Sunday, December 13, 2009

Splotchy strikes again

The great and mighty god Splotchy has saw fit to look kindly on us mortals and set us upon the path of righteousness and mediocre (that would be me) story telling. The holy premise as set in the unwritten scriptures is that Splotchy will set in motion a story through the use of one blessed paragraph and then select a series of prophets to expand and then pass on the blessings to yet another grouping.

The great god Splotchy beginnings were as such:
The mall was crowded. There were happy people, angry people, people in a hurry, even a few people sleeping on benches. To the security guard, they were a blur of coats, hats and scarves. He was just beginning his second eight hour shift. He yawned, leaning against a pillar in the food court, the aftertaste of terrible mall cookies lingering on his tongue. His eyes abruptly snapped open with the loud sound of glass shattering behind him.

Let it be written that it was good with the first prophet Cormac the Great:
The glass landed on the main concourse floor and the strung Christmas lights around the mall made the floor glitter like a field of glittering gems. Out of Hot Topic came a huge tasseled-shod foot and the glass cracked like ice under the foot's immense weight. Above that antiquated shoe was a massive muscular leg, clad in green tights.The elder Mrs. Hajba knows what this creature is and she screams out its name, yet no one understands her. Mostly because everyone else is too busy screaming, but also because the only person would understand, her daughter Anastasia, is across the mall at T.G. McFunster's...trying to find husband number four, lest her, and her mother be deported.This being that apparently is unknown to America, stands some sixteen feet tall in bright green and red clothing that would be more suitable to the Renaissance. The brute is muscular and misshapen, with veins that bulge and throb at a preternaturally speed. Its skin is bright white, and its teeth silver and black like tinsel. The eyes of the beast have no pupils or irises to speak of. They could best be described as giant red, opaque Christmas ball ornaments.Mrs. Hajba summons every brain cell that American TV soaps haven't manged to destroy yet and she yells at the security guard, "It's Ghost of Kreestmass Disappoint-ted!"
The second prophet, MRMacrum the Fantastic, was dazzled and was able to pass along:
Christmas was especially hectic here at the largest Mall in the Universe. Jenkins had been temporarily transferred over from his normal eight hours of checking doors at the local high school to double shifts here at the mall. On any given day starting in November, as many as 1,ooo,ooo shoppers a day flocked here to drop their credits in one or more of the 3000 shop til you drop stores found inside it's ten story 5000 acre complex. Increased traffic meant more shoplifting, assaults, and an uptick in the usual run of the mill bag thefts and purse snatchings. Jenkins definitely did not consider the quarter an hour raise to be enough compensation for what he had to put up with here. Nodding off sitting on a hard chair at the high school seemed like heaven about now."Base. Come in Base.""Jenkins, that you? What's the problem? Jeezus guy, hold the mic away from your mouth some. I thought we went over that. The feed back is terrible.""Uh, well okay, gotcha Base. Seems one of those new Tron androids got loose. Looks like the big one in the window display as a matter of fact. He's headed for food court 23.""Jenkins, that display cannot move. They promised us that it was completely non-functional. Get your shit together and check it out.""Base, that display maybe is supposed to be inoperative, but I tell you something big has just made a helluva mess from Hot Topic to the big tree display here on floor five. I see some woman up ahead waving at me. Maybe she has a clue. Jenkins out.""Lady, lady." Jenkins shook the woman on the floor. She turned her head in Jenkins' direction. Panicked shoppers continued streaming by them in the opposite direction of the commotion closing in on food court 23."It's Ghost of Kreestmass Disappoint-ted!" That's all she said. "What's that mean lady? Tell me."Her eyes suddenly fixed on something over Jenkins shoulder. Jenkins turned........

Now the third prophet being a hopeless slacker yearning for beaches and scantily clad ladies dancing in the surf but stuck all weekend at the house grabbed his new Jimmy Buffett CD, a couple of slices of cold pizza, and a two liter bottle of diet Coke and presents his offering to the Holy Spoltchy:

Jenkins was a fan of all sorts of zombie and horror movies often sitting up late at night alone watching some horde of monsters, ghosts, or demons attempt to cause as much destruction on earth as possible. For him such movies had long since become untangled from the base fear and dread they were made to cause and were more enjoyable from the nearly subconscious fantasies he entertained about his ex-wife and her rich new husband being chased, then eaten by one of the evil creatures.

Until now that is, turning away from the babbling woman and focusing his eyes on the insectoid creatures streaming from the mega-Tracy’s department store into the mall concourse Jenkins felt a fresh rush of terror that paled all others in his life. The creatures were about two to three feet high, walked on four legs with an identical front pair that was being used to catch and hold whatever unlucky human had remained too close. Even now Jenkins watched a blond woman replete with excessive jewelry dangling outside her expensive coat still struggling to hold onto her full shopping bags be lifted and fed into pair of over sized mandibles.

The spasm of blood that followed at least slightly camouflaged the woman being ingested. The creatures until that moment had only been entering the mall concourse grabbing whatever people were nearby but once the blond lady had completely disappeared chuck by bloody chunk the rest of bugs made quick work of those they had caught.

The first people to scatter upon the arrival of the sixteen foot Tron android had long since made their way to whatever exit they could find but more than a few had either been too stupid to move or frozen in fear now panicked as the insect creatures now flooded down the concourse grabbing the old and whatever foolish types refused to drop their loads of Christmas booty. It was then the giant android raised his arms, his veins throbbing ever faster, and began moving in the direction of the over sized roaches.

“Base, this is Jenkins,” the still stunned rent-a-cop said. “You guys better get down here quickly and call the National Guard or the freaking army because not only do we have a loose android but the cockroaches we have been bitching about to management have broken out of the basement.”

“Jenkins this is base, the shift supervisor is on his way,” Jenkins heard the kiss ass Thomas say over the radio. Thomas had accidentally left his microphone keyed and Jenkins could still hear the conversation going on back at base. “Someone call the exterminators again and tell the bastards we need them to bring the good stuff, not that bargain crap management insists on them using, looks like we might have another Omaha incident on our hands.”

Mrs. Hajba had been strangely quiet during all this and Jenkins noticed from the look on her face more than slightly smug. “The Ghost of Kreestmass Disappointed is exacting its revenge on you petulant Americans.” Was all she said and with that she pulled out her cell phone and by all appearances once the person she was calling answered began speaking in a language Jenkins could not understand and to the best of his knowledge have never even heard spoken before.

The giant android had been busy through all this and after it had reached the leading element of the over sized cockroaches had begun to do a stomping dance with its big feet flattening the bugs as a surprising rate given its size and initial slowness. The mall background music was playing a soft version of "Beat It" with the android keeping keeping in step withe the music.

The bugs, angered by the android’s attack, swarmed all around forgetting for the moment all the shoppers they had been snacking on and did their best to bring the American made automaton down.

Jenkins watched as Mrs. Hajba continued to talk on her cell phone and the bugs try to get a footing at the base of the android to crawl up. If the situation couldn't get any more surreal a lovely young woman was now walking toward Jenkins and the old crazy woman from one of the branching concourses dragging a young boy by the ear. The boy was holding a fancy stick in one hand and with the other a shimmering book that Jenkins could clearly see had the title of “East Salem Community College of Magic and Wizardry: Advanced animation and transformations 210”.

Jenkins stomach sank down to his knees while his balls launched themselves into his throat. Dealing with the loose android was one thing, the bugs another, but throwing in some kid playing with a magic textbook from those East Salem losers was a whole new world of shit. I better get a freaking raise after all this shit is over he thought.

The third prophet's duty is to now appoint another to add to the holy Scriptures. While the Beach Bum is usually not blessed enough for such an endeavor choosing to let someone pick up the mantle on their own but just for shits and giggles I pick and double dog dare: Madmike, Stimpson, Doc, and Utah Savage. Whether any will answer to the Spoltchy call I do not know but I will not be held responsible for the lightening striking them down.


MRMacrum said...

Insectoids and wizard text books. Absolutely great!

Utah Savage said...

Great contribution to the art of the Splotchy Virus.

But once again, I'm going to beg off since I'm trying to rewrite my novel for what I hope will be the final time. I've all but given up on my blog. I've torn the old version of the novel in favor of a new way of getting to the painful parts through the therapeutic process of a grown up rather than the real time eyes of a child. It's such hard work, so complicated and I have the xmas blues to boot.

Laura said...

I was out shopping all morning and my head is pounding. My brain is fried so I think I will wait until later or tomorrow to read this.
I want to do it justice.

I'm glad you did this because I was going to have to write some sort of porn (the only stories running though my dumb brain)..if you didn't. Then someone probably would have reported my blog and I would have been kicked off or had to use the "Adult Content" warning.

Thank you Beach. :D


goatman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Distributorcap said...

can i have the movie rights?

Laura said...

“The Ghost of Kreestmass Disappointed is exacting its revenge on you petulant Americans.

How come all this shit always goes down in America?

Great stuff. I wonder if the kids gets it....


Randal Graves said...

You've certainly added some seriously crazy fuckery to this strain. Good job!

goatman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

Sorry, Beach, but I've been swamped with stuff (like Xmas, taking on an assigment, trying to land a nice job) and can't get down to writing anything of any worth for this Frankenstein monster of a fiction piece. My mind just won't let me concentrate enough to contribute anything any good to this project.

Commander Zaius said...

MRMacrum: Felt good to write creatively again.

Utah: No worries, just goofing off.

Sunshine: Still want the porn.

DCap: Yeah, I'll sell them cheap.

Sunshine: Better the States than you guys, its too cold up there for anything to happen.

Randal: Started to write some satire into it about mall zombies but I gave the zombies a break and only had some rich chick get eaten.

Stimpson: No worries, just goofing off. Hopefully my family will leave me alone enough next week to write something myself.

David Barber said...

Beach. That is some addition to the virus. Great stuff. Get writing the FFF's again.
All the best, David.
P.S. Got a text from a mate of mine, here it is:
"Just wasted £25! Bought Tiger Woods DVD, 'My Favourite 18 holes.' Turns out it's about golf!"

Kentucky Rain said...

Splotchy!! I love it and hey Sunshine I would love to read your porn when you write it and I promise not to report you. After all it would be solely for research purposes:-)

Me said...

The third prophet was a Parrothead.

Love it!


Laura said...

MadMike... Haha! Someday.... :P I've got a real good one.

Commander Zaius said...

David: LOL! I think old Tiger may completely screwed the pooch and killed his own personal golden goose.

Madmike: May have to create a different start and ending cause I like the middle.

Hill: Damn straight! And I really need to get out of town and to the beach.

Sunshine: I'm waiting for the porn as well.

Cormac Brown said...

Good stuff.

Unknown said...

What a treat! I've now blown about 45mins reading this adventure, like I said, what a treat! I'm so happy to have found "Splotchy Virus" ... will be reading along.
I enjoyed all these prophets...!

Commander Zaius said...

Cormac and Gwen: Was somehow able to work it in without someone screaming for me.