My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus***

...Or Observations on the state of the Christian faith in Twenty-first century America.





As a somewhat chagrined observer of the human condition, one of the activities I always find fascinating is how we naked primates are constantly searching for a connection with God to justify our existence or actions. It is not enough that we have created God in our image by visualizing him/her not just as human but an old, Caucasian guy endlessly answering the prayers of his favorite ethnic group or individuals, we search every facet of daily life looking for the least little thing that might suggest his/her interest in our lives.     

On the surface it seems, at least to me, a reasonable behavior very much akin to a small child seeking reassurance from his or her parents. Except that when you are dealing with humans  a person or people desperately looking for that personal one-on-one Oprah moment with the creator of the universe have a very nasty tendency to go overboard. On a grand scale, new religions are the worse since they fly off the handle at some point believing the Big Guy wants them to convert every unbeliever, at the point of a sword if need be. On an individual level, things can get just as weird with countless cases of people getting really stupid. The short list involves people blowing themselves up, taking a shower in gasoline and then flicking their favorite Zippo lighter, or my favorites since they are far less hurtful to others, like seeing images of Jesus or even the Big Guy in clouds, MRI pictures, or fried foods.

I clearly remember an incident back in the 1970’s when I was standing in the checkout line at the local Piggly Wiggly with my grandparents overhearing a couple of “Good Old Country Folks” discussing the religious significance of a particular picture in one of the national tabloids. The image in question showed clouds that supposedly looked like Jesus and Satan locked in combat over the ruins of some ancient church. I believe I was thirteen at the time and while my grandparents both attended church on a regular basis I clearly remember my granddad fighting off belly laughs as the two Country Folks convinced each other this “battle” meant that the Rapture was rapidly approaching.

Both these Country Folks went as far as buying the tabloid so they could take it home and show some relative so “he would get right with the Lord.” Honestly, if the Creator of the Universe has to reveal his presence on a tabloid he may want to find another agent because sharing printed space with the likes of the Kardashians or the latest gossip about Prince William cheating on Kate is oh so tacky. On a side note, if that goofy bastard ever cheats on the beautiful Kate he needs to be on hung upside down from the Tower of London by his balls.

Sadly, it is not just the proverbial Good Old Country Folks that see Jesus in curious places, one obviously middle class lady is convinced he appeared in her MRI picture. While I admit I have also seen some strange and wonderful sights, usually after one too many shots of bad tequila, it goes without saying I am more convinced that the “Paul is dead” message was real than Jesus deciding it would advance the Christian faith by surreptitiously inserting himself on a medical image. Forgive me for getting uppity but if Jesus wants to inspire believers, the approach that might work far better is having a kid or two suffering with cancer receive a miracle cure. On another related side note, if a major news organization has to broadcasts such moronic crap they need to find another line of work.

The most bizarre examples of Jesus making appearance have him showing up on fried foods. Over the years I have seen television newscasts and still pictures of fools holding up such items like grilled cheese sandwiches or tortilla chips emblazon with burn marks in the shape of Jesus Christ. Generally speaking, it takes me several minutes for my stomach to calm down after seeing such reports. First, it challenges my belief in reality that anyone except two-year old children and the utterly insane would ever believe such moronic fantasies. Secondly, with such incredible sights on both the macro and microscopic scale implying some sort of underlying order like the planets and the structure of DNA inside cells overly religious types look to fried foods for evidence of the divine suggests a cosmic joke of unbelievable proportions.

Finally, this brings up the latest in divinely inspired foods a woman in Florida has found evidence of the Almighty on a Goldfish cracker.



Woman Finds God on a Goldfish Cracker

A Florida woman snacking on her favorite salty treat found what she calls a sign from God on one of her Goldfish crackers.

Patti Burke told Florida Today she thought Pepperidge Farms was running some kind of promotion when she spotted a crown and a cross imprinted on the cracker she was about to eat during Holy Week.

"They called me back and said there’s no way this could have been printed like that in the factory," the Melbourne woman told the newspaper. "They said it sounds like something miraculous happened."

Burke eats 2 to 3 pounds of Goldfish crackers in a week.

After hearing her pastor's Easter Sunday sermon on Jesus' resurrection, she told USA Today she believes the cracker is a sign that God is present in everyday life.

Burke hasn't decided what to do with her holy cracker yet. She carries it around in an earring box padded with gauze.




***1.) Listen let me make this very clear it was not my intent to anger anyone, I was raised in a very Christian household and over the years I have known many good and intelligent people doing their best to follow the teachings of Christ but to any sane people this fascination with supposed divine images on food is crazy. 2.) Yes, I stole the title from a Jimmy Buffett song.