“You're really going to eat that?”
My wife said looking at me as her face morphed into an expression
that registered both borderline disgust and sad resignation that she
married a man only one step above a primitive and uncultured brute. I
paused just long enough to consider her words.
The food item in question was a small
portion of my garlic mashed potatoes that had fallen off my fork and
impacted on the fake leather bench seat I was sitting. The Italian
restaurant we were eating was one of those national chains that will
go unnamed, but needless to say the Chicken Bryan entree I had
ordered, and which came with garlic mashed potatoes, is one of my
favorite meals. So yes, I totally ignored the numerous rules of
polite dining etiquette along with simple health concerns and scooped
up the errant portion with my fork and savored the delicious flavors
without hesitation.
“Remember the rule we had with the
kids,” I said once I had swallowed. “It was less than five
seconds and I'm sure they wipe down the seats after every customer
here.” I further said before craving up another portion of the
fried chicken breast careful not to disturb the goat cheese that the
chief had spread over it.
“That was just plain wrong.” My
wife wearily replied before forcing herself to forget my latest
transgression.
“Trust me,” I said enjoying the
moment, “it's not the worst thing with food I have ever done.”
“Oh, of that I have no doubt.” She
said in such a tone that further discussion of me scooping fallen
pieces of food would not be tolerated. A fact that allowed me to
stroll down memory lane unmolested by snooty, judgmental people.
***
Never one to take the direct approach
in life, after having spent two years in the South Carolina National
Guard I transferred over to the active army in 1986. I had already
received my training in the Man Portable Air Defense Systems like the
old Redeye and early versions of the Stinger missile as my Military
Occupational Specialty, so despite the desire to do something
different upon going active duty I found myself assigned to the air
defense battalion at Fort Carson, Colorado.
Sometime during the summer of 1987 my
unit was chosen from the others in the battalion to take part in one
of the old and truly enormous REFORGER exercises that moved both men
and material to Western Europe. Just to clarify, REFORGER was one of
the better conceived military acronyms that stood for Return of
Forces to Germany, which was an annual exercise to practice the quick
deployment of American and other NATO allied forces to western Europe
in the event of a conflict with the Soviet-dominated Warsaw Pact.
While the charted commercial jetliner
my unit, and at least a couple of hundred other soldiers were aboard
landed in Amsterdam we weren't allowing any sightseeing. But were
quickly hustles off by buses to one of the many propositioned
military depot sites to draw vehicles like hummers and old jeeps
along with radios and other pieces of equipment. From there we
convoyed out of the Netherlands and into the northern parts of West
Germany, a drive so damn long that I was forced to pull over to the
side of the road to relieve myself. Funny thing about that one little
incident, everyone behind my little jeep pulled over as well making
my team leader, the other guy in my jeep the defacto convoy commander
after I got back in the vehicle and floored the accelerator in an
attempt to catch up with the main body. Those were some serious tense
minutes because of both the level of civilian traffic on the road as
well as the nagging possibility that the rest of the convoy, which
was long out of sight, might have made a turn onto another road we
wouldn't see resulting in us getting seriously lost. Thankfully, we
eventually found the main body of the convoy and followed it to our
final, rather anticlimactic destination.
For at least the better part of a month
my unit bivouacked in an empty field in what had to be the absolute
middle of nowhere West Germany. We're talking scores of what was even
then ancient army, two-man pup tents lined up in columns and rows so
surgically precise it would have made generals going back to Roman
times shutter with glee. I've got to admit, if you could ignored the
smell of the manure the farmers were spreading around in the
surrounding, active farm fields the area had a pleasant, almost nature reserve atmosphere. The daily temperature ran from
comfortable at noon and just a little chilly during the night. The
woods surrounding the farm fields were a deep green, which had both a
calming effect on us all and dampened the greater part of the sounds
coming from the vehicles on the major highway that I was told was
three kilometers away. Aside from the smell of the copious amount of manure on the ground, I would have
called the area idyllic.
Where things went to metaphorical crap
was the food situation. Since arriving in Amsterdam, we had been
living off a combination of first generation MRE's, horrendous
creations typified by meals like dehydrated beef patty and Chicken a
la King and “T-rations”, huge unit-sized meals that were packaged
in aluminum trays that looked like old fashioned TV dinners.
The MRE's were nothing less than barely
disguised attempts at human experimentation to see how badly hunger
could force a soldier to consume things that looked like a petrified
brown sponge, in the case of the dehydrated beef patty. Yes, I added water to the package to soften up the "meat" but that is a relative term because no matter how long you waited the entree was still an abomination. Concerning
what was euphemistically called Chicken a la King, it more resembled
the half digested contents pulled from the stomach of a two-day old
corpse. Yes, there were other MRE packages that approached the level
of being edible human food, but it required a soldier to use all his
or her concentration to think of any other subject as they consumed
the required calories needed to complete their duties.
One of the most important tasks in any
military conflict is to keep the troops properly fed. It ranks right
up there with keeping soldiers healthy and properly equipped. The
trouble with feeding troops though is that it is damn inconvenient
because moving, storing, and preparing food takes time and effort
that could be going to the defeat of the enemy, this is where
T-rations come into play. The story that I was told at the time was
that T-rations would go a long way to solving all those concerns
because all it took to prepare them was a large pot of boiling water.
In theory, this was supposed to removed the need for specially
trained cooks as well as refrigeration because T-ration trays could
be stored at normal temperatures like regular canned goods.
It was all a nice idea, but the only
real way T-rations excelled were in their utter blandness. Unlike the
first generation MRE's, which are memorable because of how bad many
of the meals were, I don't remember any of the T-ration entrees. I do
have vague recollections of dreaming about pizza and hamburgers as I
stood in line to receive my serving of whatever came from those large
aluminum trays. While I never personally read anything for certain, I
do not believe T-rations lived up to their theoretical potential. For
the rest of my active duty time, they seemed to slowly faded away
while MRE's continued to evolve and improve.
We did receive a real, fully prepared
meal during those weeks bivouacked in that field. One of the pieces
of equipment drawn from the depot in Amsterdam was a mobile field
kitchen whose proper military moniker escapes me at this moment. If
memory serves me right, I believe breakfast was the one meal that we
could depend on to carry us through the day. Of course, once all the
forces arrived in theater and the actual war games began even that
one bright light of our existence ended. Luckily, the war games last
just a week, after that things got much better.
The thing about REFORGER exercises was
that once you've brought all those troops and equipment across the
ocean you eventually have to send everyone and thing back home. That
takes time, so once the war games were over everyone was pulled back
to rear assembly areas to do maintenance on equipment and wait for
their turn to board a plane back to the States. These areas were on
even bigger empty fields and consisted of giant circus tents that
acted as barracks, mess halls, and even recreation centers made up of
restaurants, movie theaters, arcades, and just about anything else
designed to help the morale of the troops.
Yes, I know REFORGER exercises were not
combat and that the five or six weeks my unit, me, and all the others
were in the field was akin to a trip to Disney World compared to the
hell our guys and gals endured in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.
But that is the fault of circumstance and the relatively wiser
geopolitical leadership of that era, all I can say is that after
weeks of either MRE's or T-rations I was ready for anything that
approached normal food.
After going through the procedures of
finding the area where my unit was supposed to park and then securing
our vehicles, we were released and allowed to explore the circus tent
where all the recreational stuff was housed. My unit was in no way
one of the first troops brought to the rear assembly area, in fact
the place was rather crowded, so much that my friends and I all
wondered if some of the soldiers came over to Europe just to spend
time at that particular spot. Whatever the case, my group of about
four or five split up to hit the various food stalls with me picking
the one that sold huge slices of New York-style pizza.
Part of the reasoning of my choice had
to with the fact that for the last couple of days of the war games
the MRE's I had drawn for lunch at our T-ration breakfast were the
really bad ones. While dehydrated beef patty and Chicken a la King
were the champions of gross, dehydrated pork patty and beef stew were
only the tiniest bit better, but not enough to really make a
difference. Except for a couple of bites of the entree, I had
essentially skipped lunch those days and was pretty hungry. The
second reason for going for the pizza was that the line in front of
the stand wasn't as long as other places. Given my hunger the
equation was pretty simple, so about fifteen minutes later I find my
way back to the table my buddies and I claimed and sit down with the
most beautiful piece of double cheese pizza that existed in the
entire universe. Throw in the large Coke that I had bought and I was
as close to being a happy camper as anyone can reach in this life. That is
when what would seem like a total disaster occurred.
With my elbows resting on the table I
lifted that gorgeous and quite hot slice of pizza up from the paper
plate. At the exact same time my buddies got back with their own food
and jostled the table. Hand/eye coordination never being one of my
strengths, this caused me to bite more of the slice than I had
planned burning the living shit out of my mouth, which lead me to
dropping my food on the floor, cheese side down. You have to
understand one important factor about the nature of these circus
tents, yes they had plywood floors but because of the traffic of literally a few
thousands soldiers fresh out of the field there was plenty of dirty
and small pieces of vegetation everywhere. Given how my slice of
pizza had fallen, that now included such detritus mixed in the
cheese.
A smarter man might have tossed the now
contaminated slice and bought another. At first I am sure my buddies
expected me to do just that, but I just picked out the larger pieces
trash and commenced to devour the now contaminated slice. My buddies
snickered a little at first as I tore the pizza slice apart, but then
shrugged and forgot about the the whole thing.
***
My wife and were driving home after
completely our dinner and I could tell she was in a pensive mood.
“What's bothering you?” I asked knowing after years of marriage
how problematic such a question could become.
“I can't believe you ate that bit of
food that had fallen off you fork. Do you have any idea how dirty
that seat might have been?”
The question was of course rhetorical,
but sometimes the universe supplies a way to answer such queries. As
chance would have it, as I considered a possible response I spotted a
french fry stuck between my seat and the center console. A relic of
some quick drive-thru adventure I carefully picked up the fry and
held it to my nose in a dramatic gesture. Not yet fully fossilized, I
causally tossed it in my mouth and swallowed before answering.
“Yeah, I understand how dirty the
seat might have been, but like I said earlier, I'm not worried
about it.”
8 comments:
If your wife had ever worked the kitchen of any given restaurant she wouldn't even have noticed. Not for the squeamish, life is. - Yoda
You painted an incredible picture of the Cold War there, and I know it wasn't the real point of the post, but it is the part I will take away from this. What a strange chapter in world history.
So far as the food goes, well, assuming you don't get hep, you'll be better prepared for a superbug than the rest of us, right? The people who lather themselves with anti-biotic hand sanitizers all of the time won't have the white blood cells you've got.
Ha - I would have eaten it, too. I remember reading once that you get B vitamins from dirt. So you just got an extra dose that day. Plus, everyone knows how clean everything is in Germany. It was clean dirt.
Mike P: No, she never worked in the food industry. Truthfully, she's a borderline germaphobe, in fact we've only had two picnics since we were married.
Harry: I've considered writing more stories about the REFORGER. If the mood strikes I'll write about the RV that was turned into a mobile Burger King.
Pixel: I so want to go back over and visit Germany again! One of my biggest regrets was not buying a camera while I was over there.
I dropped a piece of pizza at a football game once. And since I was starving & it had taken FOREVER to get it, I blew on it a little bit & ate the thing :)
Well Bum, I dropped food and ate it too, and sure had folks look at me weird, and even criticize me, when I done it. Whether or not it was contaminated or anything?, Hell, I dont know, I never got sick ... I guess if I got sick, I wouldnt have done it again.
Here some little added story for fun Bum ... first of all, I had a bad habit of eating late nights, out in the club scene younger (most of us did)
One night (4am?) I was with some musicians, just left with them on their record release party, they suggested "Cafe Brazil" here in Dallas, a cool late night eatery back then. I never been there, Joe suggested he would pick me something to eat, we were all shitfaced anywayz on booze and other illegal substances I wont mention {:-) ... I told him I wanted a burger though. Got my food, hungry as Hell, and started eating, when I suddenly spit it all over the table, I complained "WTF is this man?!!", dude told me it was a veggie burger, but when I spit it out, it got on this girl, she was furious, she said "You're f'n gross Tom!!" she threw her omelette in my face {:-)
In London, the only after hours eatery was "Wimpy's" (burger food type joint) back in the late 80's, many of the punker crowd would go there after 3am (my buddy played bass in a punk band at local clubs) ... usually about 4:30- 5am, the food fights would break out, food flying everywhere and people picking up stuff and eating it that landed on their tables {:-)
One night with some friends, we were intoxicated late night, we done little skits, acting out things making fools of ourselves ... this girl said she likes guyz to kiss her feet, I volunteered and told her I like feet fetish too! She asked if I liked taco's? ... I said "Hell ya!" ... in her skit, she put taco fixings on her raunchy feet/ toes, and told me to show all the people, how much I like feet and taco's, so I ate the taco's off her feet/ toes ... people started laughing and cheering me on {:-)
I'm outta here guy ....
When I hiked the Appalachian Trail, I remember being at a shelter where a man and his young son (maybe 10) were resting. The sun was eating his gorp and picking out brown M&Ms and tossing them on the ground and another thru-hiker (Randall) was picking them up before the squirrels got 'em. Great stories!
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