Eleven Questions

 Lately my mind has been a gooey glob of unorganized sludge. Attempting anything creative has resulting in such a god-awful mess I have instead just vegetated on the couch watching Big Bang Theory whenever I can find it on television. 

When I have the desire and the creative energy to write something my daughter, wife, or the universe in general throws up some roadblock ending my pitiful efforts. 

Lime over at House of Lime responded to a meme and then created eleven questions for someone else to answer. Hoping this might jump start some sustainable mental activity I decided to give it a go. If any of my answers make any sense I would advise you to seek immediate mental health help.    


1.)I'm inventing a new yoga position inspired by you.  What does it look like and what shall I call it?

What does it look like? Two words say it all: couch potato. The ideal yoga position for the middle aged American male dead tired from both his night-shift job and trying to manage his ten-year old daughter so she keeps her mind on her homework. The couch potato is not for the yoga novice, for not only does it necessitate the practitioner to fall totally limp on said piece of furniture, it requires a total clearing of the mind reducing it to the level of your average jellyfish.

I liken it to resetting a tripped circuit breaker. The only trouble is that the length of time between exhausted and frustrated dad to functioning person seems to be increasing.     

2.)What is your quest?

My quest is a simple one. It is to escape the overly pleasant but spiritually dead suburban prison I find myself living. My destination once I break out is as equally uncomplicated; it is to find some refuge close to the ocean where I can live out my days free from yard work and obnoxious neighbors suffering from delusions of grandeur. My ideal location would be the southern island of New Zealand or the Tierra del Fuego archipelago off the southern tip of South America. Or in other words about as far away from the United States as possible to avoid the increasingly unavoidable psychotic breakdown most of the country seems Hell bent on having and still have a chance at home pizza delivery. Yes, they do have Dominos there, I have checked!

Possible alternatives include the southern coast of Australia, British Columbia, or Key West. On the last one I figure we could blow the Seven Mile Bridge and if needed ask Cuba for a few used gunboats and attack helicopters.     

3.)Ghengis Khan or Snooki?  Why?

Ghengis hands down, because I while do not blame Snooki I see her and nearly all other reality show celebrities not as people but as hideous and bizarre television viruses and how the decay of American culture mighty have reached the point where it is beyond saving. This country on a widespread level once believed in a higher form of cultural and intellectual life appreciating things like literature, art, music, and science. Hell, over the course of the last few years I have all the cable channels that once prided themselves on broadcasting thought provoking television have devolve into a gooey mass of mindless reality shows filled with strange creatures like Honey Boo Boo and her kin.

Yeah Ghengis was a bloodthirsty conquer who ravaged countless lands and people on his path to empire but I would still prefer to hang out with him than Snooki.   

 4.)What does the color turquoise smell like?

The first thing that comes to mind is a desert morning I guess, I’m not into those smelly, feel good scents. In fact, I once totaled up all the money my wife spent in a month on the semi-clever air-freshener devices corporate America has invented and then convinced the public they needed and came out with a sum that over the course of a year could have paid for a much-needed Disney cruise.

5.)I'm giving you butterscotch candies, cabbage, yak milk, and escargot.  What sort of tasty dish will you prepare for me?

That is easy, a large meat lovers pizza because I am tossing all that stuff in the trash and calling Dominos.

6.)If you wear garlic around your neck to keep vampires away, what should you wear to keep zombies away?

If anything gives me the willies it is not only the concept of undead zombies roaming the land searching to make the living a form of mammalian sushi but the amount of serious thought that seems to abound these days on how to deal with such an apocalypse. Being a fan of such discussions, not only at observing those who take it far too seriously like it might happen but as an cerebral exercise in survival. Yes, the distinction I have made between the two is very thin, almost microscopic in fact, but comes down to those who know a little on biological functions and those whose main source of science is Fox News, Glenn Beck, and their likes.  

First of all. I do not know of any substance that will ward off zombies like vampires. Almost by definition alone, zombies have no higher brain functions; see my thoughts on both Snooki. Fox News, and Honey Boo Boo above, but are unfortunate souls suffering from some sort of disease that has ended nearly all functions and processes we call carbon based life. This infection leaves them nothing but instinctive husks seeking to spread the contagion they contain in their decaying bodies.

Instead of pursuing some futile search for a substance that wards off zombies like PBS and NPR chases away my evangelical and conservative relatives the best course of action is instead to avoid the sad creatures but that requires an examination of the two main types of zombies.      

Slow zombies, those that in the movies and television shows amble about and whose chief threat to the living is their sheer numbers, seem to be drawn by sound. While survivors might want to gather together with their trusty Bushmaster and AK-47 assault weapons and carve out little fiefdoms free from the evils of a tyrannical federal government (long story but I am making fun of someone here) the noise generated by firing off numerous rifles will only draw more of the undead.

Unless some form of civilization is still functioning allowing for the creation and logistical maintenance of a real army the best way to clear the land of zombies will be simple and dangerous hand-to-hand combat with spears and swords. Never forget the basic rule of any zombie apocalypse, they only go down permanently when you destroy the brain.  

Recent movies have introduced the concept of a fast moving zombie who retains all its basis senses in some fashion. If you find yourself in that situation unless you and your fellow survivors have some secure fortress or easy access to a boat that will carry you far enough off shore to escape the deadish horde you are screwed, blued, and tattooed. One zombie website suggests that given the wear and tear on an undead body's tendons, muscles, and other parts of the fast moving zombie will wear out in about a month at most. It is a small comfort but then again this is all idle and fun speculation, right?

 7.)What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

What species? And on which world are you talking about because planetary gravity is an important factor. Said creature would almost certainly be faster on Mars but the lack of terrestrial atmosphere would require the creature to be wearing a pressure suit that would not interfere with the function of its wings. Then again a swallow wearing a pressure suit on Mars would probably use a jet pack requiring years of expensive development by the military industrial complex before the project ever blasted off for the Red Planet.

This bullshit is why we can’t have a decent space program.

  8.)Tell me a story involving a bathtub of macaroni, a red wagon, and a head of state.

This is a piece of American history few know about but George W. Bush had a strange fetish about taking baths in a tub filled with macaroni. In fact since George had always lived in the shadow of his father and suffered the indignities of being the dumber brother when compared to Jeb his one real enjoyment in life was soaking in a tub of warm pasta.

This obsession so consumed the forty-third president that when Dick Cheney withheld the delivery of ziti pasta to the White House he was able to force Bush into the invasion of Iraq. Because Bush feared that the news of his bathing habits might become known to the American public by classified executive order he had an elaborate red wagon built containing a huge bath tub and placed it on his Texas ranch.

With his presidency is long over George Bush can finally enjoy his bathroom time without fear. In fact, he has now developed an artistic side to this obsession and now paints himself semi-naked enjoying his alone time.

***Strangely, this last part is true.***

 9.) Invent a family game using a pile of lentils and a thimble.

I’ll just go with old fashioned hide and seek.

 10.)You may not use paint or wallpaper.  With what will you cover your walls?

Simple, I will neatly cut out the pictures of twenty years worth of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and paste them to my walls.

11.)When?

My schedule sucks the big one on a pretty regular basis now. We’ll just go with whenever.