Clowns to the left and jokers to the right

Down here in South Carolina you could feel the shift in reality last night the exact moment the various news networks declared Mitt Romney the winner of the New Hampshire primary. This will sound crazy but I liken it to having the fiery and evil eye of Sauron focus it gaze on the hapless Frodo weary from carrying the Ring of Power.

I am sure the huge army of campaign staff workers and press personnel were already packing up for the trip to the Palmetto State even before some programmer was tasked with downloading the focus group approved victory speech into the newest animatronic Mitt. I watched the speech and I've got to admit those engineers have really made some huge advances in creating lifelike robots. The former governor of Massachusetts for once actually looked like he was a real fresh and blood person. Now he still spoke in halting sentences suggesting a processor upgrade might already be needed and after the first two minutes it looked liked a couple of the gears in his jaw were stuck making his smile look less mechanical and more like something you would see on a jovial skull.

For Newt his very poor New Hampshire showing last night and resulting speech explaining how the combined forces of everything unholy and anti-American stymied his crusade left him looking like a disgruntled Orc and Drawf half-breed if you will allow me another nerdy "Lord of the Rings" analogy. He seethed so much anger and resentment at the podium last night that I half expected his wife, who looks remarkably like a sex blowup doll I once knew, to explode into flames. It wouldn't have been a big deal, given her husband's past behavior she would be foolish not to realize Newt probably already has a replacement for her waiting in the wings.

As for the press they are expecting a death match between the renegade Disney Hall of Presidents animatron and the white-haired megalomaniac convinced he alone can save Western Civilization and South Carolina is the battleground. It is sure to be fun since my home state is such fertile ground for political fruits, nuts and associated moralistic stuff suits. In fact if you add Oops Perry desperate to be taken seriously again and sweater vest Santorum it becomes a huge circus. Although the former senator from Pennsylvania would disapprove of the primary being called that because it would mean animals and fun and we simply can't have that here. People might get ideas and that is never good for those trying to protect the moral fiber of the nation. Someone might be forced to wash all the frothy stuff off their hands.

But it will all be over in two weeks and the traveling circus of candidates and press will then move down to Florida. God help those poor souls and for God's sake will someone please tell Huntsman to just give it up before then. Don't even get me started on Ron Paul, that's a whole separate rant all by itself.