Thursday, November 25, 2010

Returning to the One True Faith

There are many forms of evil and I think one of the most elemental has to be hospital cafeteria food. Case in point was the chicken nugget bar Monday night with me a little bit hungry from just eating a salad back at the house earlier that evening. It was an honest effort to eat just a little bit healthy as compared to my usual diet but it doesn’t pay to work nights hungry, you can make very simple and dangerous mistakes paying attention to your stomach instead of the job.
As I paid lip service to the usual jokes always mentioned in a communal eating establishment short of a trained and caring staff, I loaded up my Styrofoam container with lumps of fried golden brown goodness. If I remember correctly, food poisoning was mentioned in a laughing matter as the staff gave us the evil eye. What can I say? Little did I know the universe has a sick sense of humor.
I didn’t go crazy; it was just six nuggets, a small side of honey mustard sauce for dipping, and a diet Pepsi. It should have been a safe choice, as compared to others that night, and for the rest of the shift and well into Tuesday things went swimmingly.
It was only after I got up Tuesday afternoon did things start to go askew with the world doing a counter rotation that only I could perceive along with a heighten sense of smell that suggested everyone and everything needed a breath mint. Tuesday evening things got very bad as I sat watching my daughter doing her gymnastic stuff when some kid came by munching on a Happy Meal, the smell was something from the lower pits of Hell.
Long story short, fourteen hours of worshiping the porcelain god in some manner did much to reacquaint me to the faith that I have not followed in any real manner in decades. There is a mark of true divinity in how cool and relaxing any of the dominations of the true faith can be. It doesn’t matter if you are resting your head on a toilet seat loyal to the First Church of American Standard, the Kohler sect, or the uppity reformed Barclay types with the crazy gizmo that washes your butt. The porcelain god is never judgmental, never makes snide remarks, and is always forgiving of the gravest of sins. My biggest problem is that I had no sins worthy of confessing as compared to what I whispered to it in previous years no matter what some might think.
Now all is not bad, even though I still feel as weak as water I was able to skip the Thanksgiving migration to the in-laws and I find myself, for the most part, propped up on the couch watching Burn Notice with an ample supply of ginger-ale. All things considered, it could be worse.


Bill's Big Bamboo said...

It's times like you describe, when I think of the older brother in the movie "Weird Science" & he asks:

"How about a nice, greasy pork sandwich?"

Commander Zaius said...

Bill: Funny you should ask, I haven't eaten anything except toast since this started. I'm missing the cooked turkey but avoiding the living bale at the in-laws.

Laura said...

Oh no!! That's awful.
So sorry to hear that you were feeling so badly. Throwing up is the worst! Yuck.

Too bad that you've missed your Thanksgiving feast, but I do know how you feel about the in laws so .. I guess it isn't all that bad. ;p
Feel better soon!

David Barber said...

Nothing worse than sickness. Saying that, it worked out well re: the in-laws. I've got mine coming for Christmas and New Year so I could do with a dose of what you've had. Ha!

Hope you're feeling better soon, bud.

Pixel Peeper said...

Oh no - hope you feel better soon. I've never trusted hospital food ever since I found a little itty bitty live maggot in my applesauce when I was eight and had my tonsils out.

Chef Cthulhu said...

Urgh. Gotta' watch those emulsified nuggets there, buddy.

Hope you feel better soon.

The Lawyer said...

You forgot the Toto. Best fucking toilet every engineered, and proof that man is worthy of his angelic aspirations.

Commander Zaius said...

Sunshine: Yeah, in a crazy way I actually believe I caught the better end on the Thanksgiving activities.

David: I really shouldn't whine, the in-laws are going to Virginia during Christmas and we have the cruise soon after that in 2011.

Pixel: Truthfully, this is not the first close call, its just that I regularly work with electricity and late at night my attention span is already frayed. Having my stomach growling is just making things a little bit worse. Although, if I have to get zapped the OR is the best place, I guess.

Chef: Think I will stick to diet sodas and candy bars.

The Lawyer: LOL!!! Never heard of it, must be too high end for this redneck. At least I have something to aspire too for the future.

Michael: Chill dude, I'm just a simple country boy looking for his lost shaker of salt.

okjimm said...

Ha! I remember a couple of episodes like that.... I think the second one actually did kill me.... and now I am living this shitty reincarnation.

Cloudia said...

Yeah, I'm scared of "food."

Hope you feel better! swing by my blog and relax in some sun, P.H.

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral



Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

If your in-laws are anything like mine were (and I pray to the NON porcelain God that they aren't), that prayer session of yours was a very small penance indeed.

Commander Zaius said...

Jim: I know the feeling, I think I died once on the porcelain altar.

Cloudia: I'm better now and your post was great!

Will: Mine are hard core Fox Noise watchers and that causes a lot of problems.

Ranch Chimp said...

Wow Guy ... cool pic ... my first thought was a dog that got drunk having to vomit. I know diet's are such a big thing with folk's ... I'm 54 and just keep eating what I ate as alway's but just reduced my ration's ... and I mostly eat Mexicano- Tex/ Mex probably. Like Salmon alot and Steak too. But hoping you had a good un at least ... I watched of course football all Thanksgiving Day at home alone ... one of my daughter's brought me by some turkey and fixin's to pig out on ... but I didnt bother going over to their house. Did I watch my calories? Fuck No ... :)

Later Guy! :)

Distributorcap said...

well i could say this is the divine's way of saying dont over eat this year

but i wont

despite the worship of the porcelain god (sounds so sanitized) i hope you have a wonderful holiday season..... and get to sneak in some of that food at a later date

Tim said...

I didn't know you liked

Life As I Know It Now said...

Maybe you got a touch of some stomach flu going around if nobody else got sick with the food eaten earlier. Anyway, oh boy, I hate throwing up. Hope you are feeling better soon and enjoy your coach potato time :)

Dave Dubya said...

You lucky bastard! You found the perfect way out. I'd have traded for your circumstances in a heartbeat many times in the past.

Songlines is also a fine Derek Trucks album.

Judy T said...

Sorry to have had a laugh at your expense, but your sharing was too funny. We've all been there!

While some of my in-laws read Anne Coulter and watch Glenn Beck, we read Progressive Magazine and watch Ed Shultz. Makes for awkward conversation and long pauses.

Again, I can relate.

Wait till you feel better to come read our latest post; it'll make you sick again. The disparity between the resources of the rich and poor in our country--makes me want to hurl!!

Two Seeds on a Blog

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

South Carolina 29 Clemson 7 In the words of Dwight Yoakam (Doyle) from "Slingblade", "F__k me."

Commander Zaius said...

Ranch: Been hitting the gym and trying to eat decent for several months, not always an easy thing with how busy I always seem to be. Now one of my weaknesses is Tex-Mex but they may be because I'm in love with one of the ladies at my favorite restaurant. I pictured her when I wrote the last short story.

DCap: It was okay, although I wish liek Hell I had skipped the nuggets that night.

Tim: LOL!!!

Liberality: Doing much better as of this writing, yeah it could have been a stomach bug for all I know.

Dave: After the wife and kids returned I learned it was for the best I skipped the dinner. Lots of high class activities and no football watching, it would have been hell.

Judy T.: I had a very bad encounter with my in-laws once when they learned my son had received Jon Stewart's first book for Christmas a couple of years ago. They wanted to give him O'Reilly's collection of books for kids and I told them through clenched teeth that I would burn that bastard's books the minute I saw them.

So politically we live on differnt planets.

Will: Massive suckage, made even worse because my stomach was still upset enough to make beer taste bad.

lime said...

oh awful. i'd contend the food they give patients is even worse. i was positively horrified by what was offered to my daughter as "nutrition" during her 2 recent stays in the hospital. this is what you give a sick person in order to promote recovery???

but you do well in your humorous description of true faith, just sorry you had to "worship" at all.