Not again...

I have to apologize to those who read my blog about my latest absence but events have once again overtaken my family and quite frankly I have found myself overwhelmed and lost to a great extent. Several times recently I have sat down at my computer to make comments at other sites and begin a new post entry on my site but I have found myself after many minutes staring at a screen unable to think of anything to write or much less summon the energy to type. Simply put, my uncle who I have given the name "Uncle Paul" to in my posts passed away last Saturday morning. In the course of twelve to thirteen months my family and I have lost my grandmother, my mom, and now Uncle Paul. It was not my intention to report this event chiefly because I just didn't want to write anything like this again. But I have found myself unable to "bounce back" like I had after the passing of my grandmother and mother. My grandmother's quality of life had deteriorated greatly over her last couple of years requiring almost twenty-four hour nursing care at the facility she was living at. While I miss her greatly even now please don't miss understand me when I write that she mostly talked about looking forward to seeing my grandfather again during those times she knew where she was at. I feel she is now in a better place free of the problems and concerns that plagued her in the last few years and along side my grandfather, probably sitting side-by-side next some river fishing. My mother greatly abused her health for years refusing to alter her behavior even after repeated warnings from her doctors that she was putting herself in an early grave. I made my peace with her and her behavior accepting the reality of her choices. That doesn't mean I miss her any less, it's just some things can't be changed no matter how many people endeavor to try. Their passing shook my family and me but there was a certain acceptance of the events due to the nature of their ages and health that made it, in some regards, easier to come to grips with sooner. My Uncle Paul's passing has been far more devastating for the whole family and a private hell for his wife Lady Einstein and their son, Neo.

Uncle Paul's health was far from perfect, he had been fighting a "mild" form of cancer for many years that while under control from chemotherapy never went into a full remission. Even though undergoing the grueling treatments there were several times I saw him up and about living a normal life just one or two days after the end of a session. For many in the family we had gotten to the point of overlooking what he was going through since whenever we saw him he did his best to not to show the toll it was taking on him. But it can be argued that my uncle loved life so much as long as he had breath in his body he was going to live it to the fullest no matter what. As the years progressed he did find himself making more and more visits to the hospital as the toll on his body became greater and it took more attention to stabilize his condition. The visits, at first, were usually just a couple of days but became more severe and longer as each one passed. While he fought to keep the cancer at bay the chemo began very much to be a double edged sword in its own right. The periodic chemical assault that prolonged his life ultimately damaged his liver to the point that just a few months ago while his health was stable he was under going tests in Charleston for a possible liver transplant at some point. The week before the Martin Luther King holiday I learned from my brother Joe Cool that Uncle Paul was once again in the hospital "probably just for a few days" and would be out before we all arrived down on the coast for the early start of the weekend on Friday. I had looked forward to joking with him on the Bush zombie clones roaming the state with the Republican primary coming that Saturday. My uncle was a independant minded Democrat and thought the Republicans a pack of fools. Even though the kids and I made a side trip in Charleston we arrived first in Georgetown to find Lady Einstein and him still at the hospital. His condition was far worse this time but I hoped that a little prayer and his seemly boundless energy might once again bring him back. I kept that hope as long as possible even though it became futile not long later.

One of my other cousins reached me first last Saturday morning with the news I didn't want to hear. I was devastated and I broke down and cried laying on my kitchen floor. The rest of that day was a blur as Dragonwife and the kids packed the needed items for the trip to the coast. I collected myself enough to drive down but I honestly don't remember the trip although Spoilboy did later make a point of asking me if I was okay several times. Needless to say I don't recall him asking me anything due to the shock I was in. The funeral was last Monday and since then I have found myself still unable at times to believe he is really gone. Uncle Paul almost worshiped Lady Einstein and was the type of father I try to be to my kids so I can't imagine what she and my cousin Neo have been through and will continue to have to endure. My other, and last uncle, whom I have given the name Uncle George finds himself the last sibling of the four that included my mother. The depth of his sorrow was such that the entire family was worried about his possible health. He has his wife and two sons but never expected to find himself the last one standing out of my mom, Uncle Bear who passed away in the late 1970's, and now Uncle Paul.

I am uncertain when I will return to blogging on a regular basis. I will be back at some point and I must admit that just getting this off my chest has made me feel better. Until then I will be lurking in the mist somewhere and wish everyone the best. And dear sweet Jesus in heaven I never want to write a post like this again for a really long long time.