Where Do I Apply For That Job?

In a move that I am sure will bring howls of derision and laughter from many quarters the United Nations is about to appoint the first ambassador to coordinate contact with any alien species that might want to establish relations with Humanity. Now understand I do not find this hysterically funny for what would be considered normal and sane reasons, I serious believe that intelligent life exists all through the universe and that there is a very slim possibility that even now we are being observed.

No, I find this funny because if anyone takes the time to look up how much energy it would take to propel a starship the vast distances between the stars why would any intelligent species even give us naked primates the time of day. In fact if we are being observed I somehow see an interstellar Las Vegas on some distant planet with huge view screens showing the various activities of us humans on this planet. Some monitors would show fat ass bankers sailing around in mega-yachts, others would show starving children huddling in dark corners. Many would have the usual armed fanatics out to kill in the name of some ridiculous cause, to huge factory ships on the oceans stripping the waters bare of any life.

All the while some multi-armed and eyed bookmakers would be taking bets on when the sanctimonious idiots finally kill each other off quickly or slowly due to their pollution wrecking the planet. With a few beers in me I even imagine interstellar real estate agents looking enviously at our world with plans to come in and fix the place up once we finally die out. Plenty of water and we surely couldn't totally sterilize the place. A little work with planetary engineering equipment and I imagine they could turn a decent profit selling Earth as a global subdivision.

Given how I feel about real suburbia and the human inhabitants I live around even now I find that idea riotously funny. (Sorry, I've been drinking again) Especially since the subdivision I live in has a huge problem with native wildlife taking refuge in garages and underneath houses with several businesses dedicated to "removing" them. Now think about some poor raccoon looking for shelter under a house and now upscale that to aliens subdivisions here on earth with the last few humans scrambling to do the same.

But I digress, getting back to the human ambassador position I have to admit that I would love a chance to apply for it if they hadn't already picked Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, for the job. I would mainly want the job just so I could emulate my hero Jim Kirk, see the dude could both get real "friendly" with smoking hot green skinned chicks and almost at the same time whip out his phaser and blast the ugly alien saving day and leaving Spock with a curious expression of disgust on his face. Call be crazy but that's real diplomacy in my book.

UN 'to appoint space ambassador to greet alien visitors'

A space ambassador could be appointed by the United Nations to act as the first point of contact for aliens trying to communicate with Earth.

Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, is set to be tasked with co-ordinating humanity’s response if and when extraterrestrials make contact.

Aliens who landed on earth and asked: “Take me to your leader” would be directed to Mrs Othman.

She will set out the details of her proposed new role at a Royal Society conference in Buckinghamshire next week.

The 58-year-old is expected to tell delegates that the proposal has been prompted by the recent discovery of hundreds of planets orbiting other starts, which is thought to make the discovery of extraterrestrial life more probable than ever before.

Mrs Othman is currently head of the UN’s little known Office for Outer Space Affairs (Unoosa).

In a recent talk to fellow scientists, she said: “The continued search for extraterrestrial communication, by several entities, sustains the hope that some day human kind will received signals from extraterrestrials.

“When we do, we should have in place a coordinated response that takes into account all the sensitivities related to the subject. The UN is a ready-made mechanism for such coordination.”

Professor Richard Crowther, an expert in space law at the UK space agency who leads delegations to the UN, said: “Othman is absolutely the nearest thing we have to a ‘take me to your leader’ person”.

The plan to make Unoosa the co-ordinating body for dealing with alien encounters will be debated by UN scientific advisory committees and should eventually reach the body’s general assembly.

Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

Mrs Othman is understood to support a more tolerant approach.

But Professor Stephen Hawking has warned that alien interlopers should be treated with caution.

He said: “I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. The outcome for us would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”