The Good, the Bad, and the Naked Ugly

It’s easy to forget at times but the little moments are really the best part of life. This was something that I had forgotten over the last couple of weeks dealing with the normal array of shit that often has me questioning the validity of God’s plan for the universe and the cosmic joke that can be my life. 

You may ask what had gotten Beach Bum waxing philosophically again risking a Zeus-like lightning bolt from the Big Guy upstairs tired of the constant whining coming from one petty human and the questioning his omnipotent authority. The Big Guy upstairs has a whole host of problems from the easy to the impossible. His concerns range from answering the prayers of species on a planet about to be wiped out by a comet looking to be the cue ball to their planet being the eight-ball into the corner pocket to fighting off American bankers so evil and voracious that they have scared the shit out of the devil.

My concerns are sub-atomic stuff in the greater scope of existence but they none the less I found a few this past weekend testing the limits of my warm and fuzzy feelings for humanity.

Proving that nothing occurs in a vacuum and explaining why Joe “You Lie” Wilson is the congressman for this area Dragonwife accidentally let it slip Saturday that the slimy low-life neighbor living across the street called the sheriff on us about a year ago. The problem was that we had bought a new car outright and had donated the old and tired Corolla to charity. I had transferred the tag to the new car leaving the old car sitting in the yard waiting for the people to come take it away. This find example of the area, instead of manning up and coming to talk to me about it, called the sheriff forcing them to come to the house and ask about the car and what we were going to do about it.

Dragonwife was home at the time and very calmly and professionally explained the situation. Now the deputy sheriff didn’t care she was already pissed because our fine neighbor cussed out whomever he talked with on the phone promising to use his friendly relations with the high and mighty of the county to ruin her day if a deputy did not come out and force us to do something with the old car. Once the deputy had her information, she drove away and the old Corolla sat in the yard for at least a few more days until the tow truck working for the charity came and took the car away.

Wisely, Dragonwife kept this information from me. See me and that sorry fucker had words about three years ago that came very close to blows and him threatening me with all sorts of wrath from his mighty friends.

Upon learning about this stuff Saturday, I was torn two ways. One I was pissed as if it had occurred just then. Two, I was smart enough, for a change, not to go ambush the bastard over something that had happened a year ago. Especially since another neighbor I was friends with came by my house a few months after that asking me strange questions I thought at the time whether or not I was still pissed at the guy. It was easy to figure out my friend was probing for information but I thought it was over the original incident.

That day became even more warm and fuzzy when I learned that the credit card that we had just paid off a month ago had well over a thousand dollars back on it. After cleaning up the iced tea that I had coughed all over my son and a few of his friends watching them play Mass Effect 2. My young Sith Lords helped me to sit down because I was dizzy over the knowledge that the almost eleven hundred dollars earning interest for the big corporate fat cats so they could have an even bigger bonus next year bought replacement ceiling fans for the perfectly functioning ones still attached to the ceiling. Other home improvement items were also bought and I was assured we saved a bunch of money on them as well. After that, the room began spinning and I blacked out.

So I was actually happy Sunday night returning to work. I was comforted by the general mayhem and even hearing a guy being wheeled into the Emergency Room on a stretcher with a six-inch butcher knife sticking from his skull claiming that all he did was sleep with his mother-in-law reassured me everything was going to be okay.

But after returning home this morning it was then I that I knew God still had me in his thoughts. I went straight to the shower stripping down to the birthday suit wanting to get cleaned up and then catch a little of the comedy we call human civilization on one of the news channels. I had already jumped into the shower when I realized all my manly man soap had been used. The other options sitting on the small shelf in the shower stall would leave me smelling all rose peddle soft and lavender sweet and I just wasn’t in the mood.

Knowing my son, Darth Spoilboy, being in the early stages of hormone-induced girl chasing had a huge collection of assorted manly man soaps and shampoos I turned off the water and still buck naked jumped out of the shower to walk across the house to the bathroom he uses. In doing so, I had to pass the foyer in clear view of the front door, which has two small windows mounted on either side.

Passing by the front door, I noticed movement coming from one of the small windows next it. Frozen in shock were two missionary types, they could have been Jehovah Witnesses or Mormons. Both were skinny white dudes wearing 1950’s short sleeve shirts and razor thin black ties. Adding to the effect was the official NASA pocket protector each had inserted in their shirt pockets. The words, “Jesus Saves” blared out in gold lettering on the pocket protector.

From the look on their faces I figure they had been about to knock on the door and try to share with me assurance that I would see paradise if I joined their faith. The circumstances just struck me so damn funny God had to have arranged it. A second or two either way and I would have missed them or heard them knock and went straight into super ninja mode with me hiding until they left my doorstep.

For a split second, the theme song from “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” played in my head with Clint squaring off against armed bad guys in a dusty old west town. So I grabbed my package like the weapon it is and turned into the foyer to go open the door. I don’t know why but I must have spooked the dudes because they were on the other side of the neighborhood and still running when I saw then again after opening the door.

The cool thing is that I figure I won’t be bothered by those guys or their buddies anytime soon. Its these small moments in life that bring order and cosmic balance to my mind.