Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Cosmic Karma Looney Tune

Despite the seriously bogus school project involving the teaching of complex economic concepts to my daughter and the rest of her second grade class that I was not taught until high school she and I were having a good time rolling peanut butter balls in the kitchen Wednesday evening. This project has strained my otherwise laid back attitude because the local Conservative acolytes of free market capitalism are doing their best to indoctrinate the young before they might be exposed to any nasty socialistic ideas like there might be something more to life than squeezing the last possible cent of profit from selling the public more crap.

For the last couple of weeks Miss Wiggles was nearly overwhelmed with homework assignments involving such things as filing for a business license, coming up with a business model, and my favorite part of the project so far having to write and record some sort of commercial for her business. My son Darth Spoilboy was able to write some lyrics along with a perky melody, which we recorded on a simple tape player. Unbelievably Wiggles' teacher suggested in the instructions for the commercial that her students could do a video and burn it to a DVD since they had a big projector attached to the class computer. After reading that segment, I am sure some capitalistic computer geek will have a full-fledged, high production value commercial complete with pretty computer graphics this Friday when the parents come to see the class business exhibits.

After much discussion and research, Miss Wiggles and Dragonwife decided on doing a candy business, which was especially pleasing to me since I allowed an array of socialistic tinged thoughts of revenge to dance through my mind about leaving the capitalist pig teacher to deal with her class of sugar-hyped kids for the rest of the day after all the parents leave. That brings me to the sad and tragic events that I guess was the universe teaching be that such sinister thoughts can send my karmic balance sheet into the red.

My daughter and I jumped feet first last evening into the preparation of chocolate covered peanut butter balls long before Dragonwife made it home sending clouds of confectionery sugar into the air as we added it to the already mixed mound of creamy peanut butter smelling of a cup of high fat butter inside the food processor. After mixing thoroughly she and I spent about an hour rolling the goop into inch-wide balls then placing them on a baking sheet which then we then put inside the refrigerator. During this father/daughter time, which I admit was nice, an old Bugs Bunny cartoon somehow drifted to the forefront of my mind. It was the one where Elmer Fudd dresses up in body armor looking for all the world like cast offs from some Star Wars golden R2D2 droid singing "KILL THE WABBIT" to the tune of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries.

Wiggles and I started singing the tune while rolling the peanut butter balls with both of us almost losing all semblance of sanity; so much that when Dragonwife walked in she thought Wiggles had followed me over the edge of sanity and into the silliness abyss. It's a long story but as far as my wife and in-laws are concerned, my sanity has always been in doubt and I revel in the near eternal question they ponder about what dumb thing I will do next.

For the rest of the night my mood, so elated even with the ridiculous project taking so much time, had me singing "Kill the Wabbit" and thinking about old Elmer coming upon some hole and gleefully stabbing his spear into the darkness hoping to nab old Bugs that I made myself take a step back and chill out. Still though I was flying high and actually eager to head on out to work a few hours later. Little did I know that the cosmic karmic bitch had laid a trap for me as I headed out of town that would derail me the rest of the night.

As I was driving past the last of the mega-churches on the way out a little bitty rabbit jumped out of the darkness at the last second and with an oak tree on one side of me and a passing car on the other I was not able to turn enough to avoid the small creature. In fact, the rabbit, caught in the headlights, jumped around enough in confusion to line perfectly up with my right front tire. The result was not quite a bump but more than the feeling of a soft squish as I passed over the creature.

Despite general opinion and some evidence to the contrary I am not some redneck who enjoys running over small animals in the road. Yes, I will eat such small and innocent creatures as Peter Rabbit, Steve the Squirrel, and Bambi but unlike some people I know I do not laugh when such traffic encounters happen and actually feel bad about them. For the rest of my drive to work I was totally bummed out feeling like some slime found on the surface of a dead pond. Yes, I did realize the irony that I was joyfully singing "KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT" just a few hours earlier.

Getting into work I found I had a sterilizer down with a note from the head surgical nurse on the night shift saying she needed it back up and openly wondered why I had not come in earlier. The fact that I am not on-call this week and that the sterilizer guy who is on call told the second shift general maintenance guy to wait for me is just something I did not even try to explain to the head nurse since she would not listen if I tried.

A few hours later and after moving other equipment all packed less than an inch away from the disabled sterilizer I get the nasty beast back up and running then smash the living shit out of right-hand pinky finger moving all the stuff back in place. Once again, my childhood fixations on my Looney Tune pals brought the image of Daffy Duck looking totally disgusted and muttering "You’re despicable" to a very satisfied looking Bugs Bunny standing off to the side munching a carrot. The head nurse who walked away without saying a word played the part of Bugs last night. Truth be told I figure I got off easy, see she was banned from ever wandering into labor and delivery again after being caught rubbing ranch dressing on one of the newborns. The foot-long sub roll and shredded lettuce beside the baby pretty much removed all doubt about her lack of basic humanity.

Of course after that the third-shift general maintenance dude calls on the radio needing help chasing down a set of clogged toilets resulting in us deploying a really nifty but smelly device that runs through the pipes cleaning out anything that might be blocking the flow resulting in an hour of brown liquid fun. After a shower, a new set of scrubs, I retreated into one of the cardiac operating rooms and listened to the Elvis channel on the satellite radio. During the first hour, the King sang old gospel tunes and interspersed between the songs were curious stories that Elvis had not been right in the head for many years before his death. While not a huge Elvis fan and with some basic knowledge that the King did have a few monkeys on his back all his life I was still shaken a little to learn far more than I wanted to know about his skewed view of the world. Nevertheless, I spent the rest of the night in that operating room relaxing to the music and hoping my karmic equation thrown out of balance by thinking commie inspired thoughts and running over the innocent bunny had returned to the plus side over my nightly tribulations.

I was extremely encouraged to that effect this morning as I sat in the cafeteria making love to my onion bagel heavily smothered in artery clogging cream cheese. The biggest thing on my mind during that time was the upcoming final exhibits for my daughter and her classmates of their business projects. The only bad thing is that after my karmic cartoon ride Wednesday night I figure I will now have to be on my best behavior and refrain from any snarky, socialistic comments to the gathered happy capitalists. I can tell Dragonwife to slap me across the back of the head if I should get that nasty gleam in my eye, a sure sign I am about to open my mouth. She always gets a kick whenever she has a pop me aside the head when I am about to do something stupid.

With that covered and as long as I avoid running over any small animals I think I should be okay.


sunshine said...

Poor baby rabbit! :(

I do love me some chocolate covered peanut butter balls though so, you've made things right again... :P

I hope that Miss Wiggles does well with her project tomorrow! I'll send her good vibes. :)

I remember that episode of Bugs Bunny. :)


Beach Bum said...

I'm still a little bummed out about the bunny. I'll mail you some of the leftovers if the teenagers don't take everything this weekend.

David Barber said...

Beach, I think I'm like you when it comes to killings things. I nearly drove off the road the other day, in the middle of nowhere and no mobile phone signal, to avoid a pheasant. Most people here would have sped up and killed it, which is ok I suppose when you think about getting home to see your family. Don't worry too much about the rabbit. There's plenty more where it came from. ;-)

Good luck to your daughter. My wife is in the process of making Easter Bonnets for a school parade. The best 'bonnet' gets a prize and our eldest won last years, so she in competitive mood. :-)

Take care mate, David.

MadMike said...

I don't kill things. Not anymore. Not people, never animals. Poor wabbit :-(

lime said...

well my sanity must be in question too because i started singing as soon as i saw the first cartoon. i was rooting for you to go all socialist and i winced at the under the tire squish too.

you lost me with the phrase "making love to my bagel" the image that conjures up is just a little disturbing, lol

Holte Ender said...

Look at it this way, the poor rabbit has saved some anonymous carrion family from starvation and they cleaned up the mess too.

Beach Bum said...

David: Spent the evening making cotton candy as the last item for her school project. It will take all my willpower to keep my mouth shut tomorrow.

Madmike: Like I said, eating is one thing but it really bothered me I could not avoid the creature.

Lime: Keeping my mouth shut around these "people" is a real test of character sometimes. But I have to to keep my job and since my kids call this place home I have to be good for them.

My morning bagel is a ritual that everyone at work knows to leave me alone when that time comes. It is the most enjoyment I can have right now with my clothes on.

Holte: Yeah, its a cycle of life thing but I feel bad about it.

Middle Ditch said...

Aw, that poor little bunny. You couldn't help it though but I do feel sorry for that little wabbit.

My cat likes to catch them, drag them in the house and dump them behind the washing machine, leaving me to catch the little bugger, climb over the fence and release it back in the (hopefully) right field.

Best wishes to Miss Wiggles and her project.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

As an 18 year vegetarian, I will gladly come to memorial service......P.S. I taut I taw a puty tat. I did! I did tee a puty tat!

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

And, really, what are the odds of a black cat getting paint on its back - NOT ONCE, mind you, but episode after episode after episode? Pepe LePew, remember?

TomCat said...

Please never sing, "Kill the TomCat!" ;-)

Rhiannon said...

yeah, "lifes like that" with our Karma some days isn't it? Way back when I accidently ran over a squirrel in my car as I had no where to turn off...traffic. I felt bad for a while, as I love all animals took a a while. Even though I realized it was not a "choice" and couldn't be helped I cried and felt so bad for the little critter.

I feel these things deeply. It wasn't your fault though and these things just happen for some reason in life. It's not your "Bad karma" and your not being punished.

It's funny the way you call your wife "Dragonwife" times upon reading that name you've given her...I thought of another name for her in your about
"Butterflywife"?...sorry I know it's silly but that sounds like a much better name for your wifey than "Dragonwife"...don't be mad at me.

Hope you have a good weekend with your special family.


Beach Bum said...

Middle Ditch: The exhibits for the class projects went well, I think most of it was over the kids heads and they took the whole shindig as a party but who am I to complain. And I did keep my mouth shut, yea me.

Will: Good idea, I'll drink a beer to the little fella tonight.

Tomcat: Never in a million years, although I have always thought of Elmer as the perfect Teabagger.

Rhia: I'm all for the cycle of life thing of prey and predator but accidentally killing the little fella with a stupid car is different.

Randal Graves said...

there might be something more to life than squeezing the last possible cent of profit from selling the public more crap.

What? Who told you this garbage?

I hear you on the rabbit thing. I'm a big sap with that. I see fuckers flying down the street and barely missing a squirrel. Sure would give me a chuckle to see them hit a nasty pothole and fuck up their vehicle. Or worse.

TomCat said...

Tomcat: Never in a million years, although I have always thought of Elmer as the perfect Teabagger.

I visualize him as a Cheney avatar saying, 'Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting tewwowists."

Suzan said...

I must be channeling you now, BB.

I almost had rabbit squash myself yesterday. Luckily for me now, I never drive over 35 if I can help it (saves on the gas and car maintenance), and I had time to hit the brakes (softly).

I saw the fear in that little guy's eyes.

I drove on in a happier frame of mind.

Love your stories!

(How was your sugar high?)


Beach Bum said...

Randal: Hell yeah, would love to see one of the local community elites screw up their expensive ride on a pothole.

Who ever said there was more to life than money? First learned that lesson watching The Andy Griffith Show, of course Andy has fallen out of favor down here with his liberal leanings. You should have seen a few of the senior citizens freak when they found out he ahd Opie were for Obama.

Tomcat: You have a point about the Elmer/Cheney connection. Of course never as a child would I have thought Elmer being the Antichrist, for Cheney it is either that or an alien from space out to destroy humanity. He is still at it because if you look closely Liz is not his daughter but a clone with the "Y" chromosome removed.

Suzan: Slightly bummed out about the sugar thing, the chocolate covered peanut butter balls Wiggles and I made were pretty damn good. My son ate all the ones we brought home except for one that fell to the floor. It was a little dusty but I follow the five second rule about food on the floor.

Actually what bothers me now that I think about it is that when I was much younger I could find all sorts of frogs smashed flat in the roads. You don't find them or lightening bugs anymore, I'm afraid the rabid pursuit of progress has thinned out the former and damn near drove extinct the latter in my area.

TRUTH 101 said...

The radio plays an ad for Rush Limbaugh constantly that calls him a lovable fuzzball. Like a rabbit. I don't feel badly. Sorry.

TomCat said...

The Lizard of Lies is a another whole subject. :-(

Beach Bum said...

Truth and Tomcat: If only Limbaugh could have been the rabbit.