Friday, August 17, 2012

The Truth and Nothing but the Truth




The nurse who just minutes before had drawn several test tubes of my blood, taken my blood pressure, and then handed me a small plastic cup and told me sternly to wipe the sides with a paper towel after I filled it was now asking me a series of rapid fire questions concerning my health and lifestyle. It was all the usual medical-related inquiries asked when someone starts seeing a new group of doctors. The nurse asking the questions was friendly, in a strictly generic way, and because of that, I could tell she was not in any mood for idle banter. That did not bother me in the least because I had worked the night before and it was already nine o’clock in the morning and all I wanted to do was get through paperwork and go home so I could get some sleep.

My reason for being in the doctor’s office was for a preliminary examination to have several annoying moles removed for my chest and neck area. Something I had postponed for months due mainly to the fact the previous medical practice I used was on the other side of town and had become a serious pain in the butt to get a decent appointment. Somehow, none of the scheduling staff understood that I could not wait until the early afternoon to see the irritating and arrogant dickhead that had become my primary physician after the beautiful and compassionate lady doctor I first saw had decided to move back to Texas after getting married.

The nurse now asking me questions as I sat in an uncomfortable chair in a small exam room was a clearly a fanatical fitness type with a very military no-nonsense attitude. In fact she seemed so tough it was easy for me to imagine she could have belonged to one of those top secret special operation teams often whispered about that are forced to be coed because of the demands of their missions in enemy countries. Because of this, not only was I giving short and concise answers I had, at least at first, unconsciously sucked in most of stomach. Not that she noticed but dammit, but I have some small sliver of pride left.

The first twenty-five questions were fairly boring and asked in such a way leaving little in the way of answering beyond a simple “yes” or “no” but after that things got interesting.

“Do you drink alcohol?” She asked without pausing from typing on the computer keyboard. Silly question really but I did not tell her that.

“Do you smoke or use tobacco products in any way?” She continued. The answer is a big no on that one.

“Do you use illegal substances to get high or alter your consciousness?” The answer on that was no although there are times I wish medical marijuana was a possibility here in the middle of stuck up “Just say no” country.

“Are you married, single, or divorced?” She asked with me simply saying married in response.

“Are you sexually active?” The small portion of my brain that is agile was puzzled at the bizarre nature of the question.

“No,” I said instinctively, “I’m married, remember.”

Unexpectedly, that stopped her flat and she began to laugh. So much, she started snorting and had to leave the room. A second or two later after the door closed I heard an eruption of laughter coming from the other side. When the nurse returned she was all smiles and escorted me out of the exam room to the front desk so I could check out. Never the sharpest knife in any drawer it was not until I was driving home that I connected the true nature of her question. Dragonwife might not appreciate my answer, or this post for that matter, but sexually active and marriage just do not mesh in my mind.

18 comments:

Mr. Charleston said...

LOL I had to outright lie when the nurse asked me about illegal substances (I smoke pot) but my doc is an old friend and he knows its something I can't have in my medical record so it all works out.

Robert the Skeptic said...

This reminds me of the insurance company that was evaluating an employer to provide coverage for the company's workers.

On the questionnaire the insurance company asked the employer to.. "List all of your employees broken down by sex."

The HR director penciled in the blank: "No one broken down by sex, but we do have two alcoholics".

Beach Bum said...

Mr. Charleston: Not that I have an actual condition that medical marijuana could help but I sure as hell would get a medical excuse if it was possible here.

Robert: LOL!!!! I actually hated to write this post to a certain extent. It far more truthful than I am comfortable with but at least I have a lot of company. Several of my buddies speak of very similar circumstances. Its actually a bridge of brotherhood between liberal me and several conservative boneheads.

Life As I Know It Now said...

Wow, uh, well, sorry about that. All I can say is that hasn't been my life experience and if it was I'd be super depressed by it. Sex is like chocolate--must have and yummy good for the heart and the body!

cloudia charters said...

you held my short-attention through that whole story! see, that's narrative. . and a good punchline too.


Aloha from Honolulu
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Pixel Peeper said...

Hahahaha...every once in a while you can get those serious medical people to crack a smile. During a mammogram a few years ago, the technician was directing me into all sorts of uncomfortable positions. To break the ice, I asked her if she ever sang the Hokey Pokey to herself during this process. You know, "...you put your right boob in, you put your right boob out..."

Later, after I had gotten dressed and was getting ready to leave, she waved goodbye to me and sang, "That's what it's all about!"

lime said...

well, at the very least you broke the hard ass nurse. that's gotta be worth something.

and...uh...i feel your pain...

Windsmoke. said...

"Are you sexually active?" is a question you ask a teenager and not a married person. When you really think about it, its a dumb question to ask when you answered married to the previous question.

Symdaddy said...

Oh, well told that person!

Randal Graves said...

HA! A toast to you, sir. The best part about this club is that there are no membership dues.

Ranch Chimp said...

I got to give it to ya Bum, the ending here got a big laugh from me too! : ) ... I mean, I'm all serious reading this from the start, them BOOM! : )

Short Funny here Bum, and true: ... In 2011 I went on this really strict disciplined diet and excercise deal I engineered with the help of a doctor (my doctor is gay : ( ... (I wish I had a strict dominatrix type doctor, you lucky dawg! : ) I done this because I am getting old of course, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh ... anywayz I got pretty strict with myself, and had alot of success with it, however ... several month's later when back with Doc ... he told me that I been very strict and wondered how I was holding up from it psychologically, stress or whatever, so I was just in one of them mood's to f**k with him (he's young and cool : ) ... I told him ... "It's been hard Doctor, I mean, this shit is driving me crazy man, I even got to the point one day where I had my .357 to my head, etc, etc" ... You should have seen the look on his face Bum! : ) He sayz .... Oh my God Tom, why havent you told me any of this before?, I can prescribe medication for you to help your depression, etc, etc" ... I then told him somethin like ... "I'm just f'n with ya Guy ... I didnt really get depressed or do that ... no I dont want any goddamn dope, I done plenty of dope in my life ... the illegal kind's though : )" .... nonetheless Bum, he did take the humour well and got a laugh too : ) But yes, I have maintained discipline, and got used to it so it's basically just routine these dayz ... started also doing alot of sit up's to tighten my stomach, and swimming as well, however, I dont go to the pool, until after sundown, but have one 25'ft or so from my door, so that make's it convenient.

Thanx for the story Guy ... : )

Ranch Chimp said...

Just wanted to say "Hi" Bum ... it sayz above this comment box to be friendly and say "Hi" and I forgot to. It's that old age dude : )

Akelamalu said...

I take it you've not told Dragonwife about that conversation? LOL

Red Nomad OZ said...

Hahaha ... the power of that piece of paper, huh?? Pilchard & I have been happily unmarried for 21+ years - maybe we did the right thing after all!!

Beach Bum said...

Life As We Know It: Yeah, I have found this situation to be rather widespread for us guys. As I mentioned earlier it even bridges the political divide between liberal me and several conservative acquaintances of mine.

Cloudia: Thank you! Now you know that this particular post was extremely short for me.

Pixel: LOL!!!! For about a year I worked with a third-party company fixing x-ray equipment at Lexington Medical Center. Found out a lot about those mammography torture devices and you ladies have my respect putting up with them. One in particular was very bad it involved a needle that looked like a harpoon.

Lime: LOL!!! Now you know why I write so much.

Windsmoke: Yeah, it was a dumb question but she was reading them off a computer screen. Plus, if I got smart with he she probably could have kicked my fat ass.

Symdaddy: Thank you!

Randal: I say we restart the "He man women haters club."

Ranch: Your story was great, should write it out and post it as well.

Akelamalu: Actually I told her about the incident this evening and she rolled in the floor herself.

Red Nomad: Like all things sexual activity is relative, for me and my wife we work it out in several different ways.

Mike Williams said...

@ Randal, we have one of those already. It's called the GOP.

This is a very sad story, I vaguely remember sex. Kind of sweaty and squishy or was that yard work.

goatman said...

There ya go, just be human ,stick in one of your witty answers now and then and you win them over every time. You probaby made her day.
I once said, upon rising from one of those pillowy recliners they put you in for getting a dose of chemo: "getting out of that chair is like being reborn" . Much laughter ensued as I made my way out of there.

okjimm said...

No sex? Married? Well, I tried a divorce... that didn't work any better, either.