Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tremble in fear for I now have writing goals





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The writing class I am taking has been a real catalyst in focusing my concentration and sharpening my skills as a writer. Hey, don’t laugh I mean it. My instructor, Professor Ann has used her considerable talents as an educator and writer and has taken the quivering gray mass that exists between my ears and managed to massage some information into it. She has actually taught me how to deal with the most irritating of things in English grammar called “passive voice” which my inability to comprehend sent every English teacher I had in high school to college into a tizzy of frustration.
I’m sure the rumors that Professor Ann will take a yearlong sabbatical after this class are completely unconnected to her exhaustion at teaching me. The most recent assignment for me was a bombshell since I never really thought much in the way of my long-term goals as a writer.
Being honest here but the first time I read the assignment the voices in my head cried out in unison “TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION” as my goal using armies of cybernetic zombie chickens that even now live under my house awaiting orders to bring all the nations of the world to their knees. The voices in my head are a droll bunch and since that goal was unconnected to writing, I ignored them and they settled for pizza, beer, and a good movie on DVD this Friday night. On a less maniacal note my far-fetched but highly desirable writing goals are far easier on the environment, trust me cybernetic zombie chickens can make quite the mess.

The beginning steps of my ultimate goal would have my blog recognized by the true leader of America and a good portion of the Western world, Oprah Winfield. She would have one of her shows totally devoted to the wit and wisdom that I put forth on my blog when my muse strikes and my kids let me have the computer for longer than a few minutes. They both have Facebook pages and dear old dad has been bodily threaten over their need to tell their sixty jillion close personal friends what they are thinking. It’s gotten so bad my uppity crumb snatchers are even stealing the Chips Ahoy cookies as they update their statuses.

The next step as my fame grew would be a multi-million dollar contract with a publishing house to turn my various forms of posted pomposity into semi-intelligent stories that would climb the best selling charts all across the nation. Stephen King, Jimmy Buffett, and I would then pal around and make fun of Dean Koontz and his toupee that I swear he must have stolen from William Shatner. I understand the reason Koontz’s golden retrievers are so well behaved is that they are terrified of his toupee, which gives them commands in frequencies too high for humans to hear.

After that, I would tour the country signing autographs with a small entourage of say two-hundred. A staff of twenty would be devoted just to removing all the green colored peanut M&M’s from the candy bowls in my swanky suites and making my aluminum foil hats to protect my inspired ideas from evil leprechauns. By this time, politicians of all strips would be beating down my doors for me to show the least little approval of them and their policies. The price of my support would be their acceptance of wearing clown clothes, including those huge clown shoes, and clown makeup at all times while serving as elected officials. The second thing would be them voting ladies beach volleyball as the national spectators sport.

As the years continued to roll on, I would tire of this lifestyle and move to attain my final goal. I would purchase an old beach house that I have stayed at on the mainland side of Pawleys Island situated right on the marsh. It is there that I would retire doing my own impersonation of my hero Mickey Spillane and spend my days writing and without having to share the internet or the Chips Ahoy cookies with my kids. Oh yeah, I would spend some of my riches to house my army of cybernetic zombie chickens close by, you never know when we might have to repel an alien invasion.

27 comments:

Beach Bum said...

For those who might not understand my attempt at humor is because the two stories I'm working on are having more technical difficulties than NASA getting a new manned rocket and the Obama administration combined.

Teeluck said...

Bravo my friend, you have entered the halls of the elite and the informed Orators...say hello to Oprah for me...

sunshine said...

Pffft...
I know you Beach.
First goal would be that Beach house. :)

The stories will come. You're a great writer. They are in there.
Don't worry, it will happen. :)

You know that my blog is only a hop skip and jump away if you want to read some really bad writing. :P

((Hugs))
laura

Holte Ender said...

Passive voice is used by politicians all the time "Mistakes were made" instead of "I screwed up." The Marvin Gaye song I Heard It Through The Grapevine would become the less catchy title It Was Heard By Me Through The Grapevine. Fun with words.

sunshine said...

Every time you mention foil hats, I'm reminded of that scene in "Sign".
:P
Did you see that one? I laughed my ass off over that. :)

((Hugs))
laura

sunshine said...

Should read "SignS" Sheesh!

Randal Graves said...

They misled. Are you misleading us? Will there be Chips Ahoy cookies? Those are good for dipping in milk.

Now, zombie chickens. You can still bake those at 350°, right?

goatman said...

I was once accused of writing some of my poems in "passive voice -omnicient" I still don't know what that is but I continue to write the random gleaning and can provide examples.

HILLBLOGGER said...

Hahah! Spiffing goal!


The way you speak of your resolve, er, goal is contagious.

Good yarn, Beach!

Caffeine Princess said...

Dear Loyal Minion,

I have changed the name of my ANONYMOUS (ahem.) blog to 'Caffeine Bubbles'.

The new address is now: http://caffeinebubbles.blogspot.com/

It is with deepest regret that I must also inform you of the death of 'Angry Princess'. But it is with infinite joy that 'CAFFEINE PRINCESS' is born! woot woot

Don't forget to look out for the latest articles and to leave your opinions/comments.

Hmm. I fancy a chaï latte.

Caffeine Princess said...

Haha

I've just had to edit my friend's manifesto (he's running for a Student Union officer position).

I was surprised at how he HORRENDOUSLY failed to grasp the concept of the passive voice (linguistic device which is humbling even if you are the most obnoxious of individuals).

Reading and correcting his manifesto made me (re-)realise the importance of syntax and words if you want to make it big in this world.

Also...

Chips Ahoy cookies are AWESOME!!!! almost as much as your blog.

Oso said...

Beach,
I enjoy your writing and hope someday you will be a published author. You're a good guy and would deserve success.

My older daughter is a poet, when she turned 21 I gathered all of the work she'd given me together and had it assembled in book form.

Should you ever become discouraged in your quest and be tempted to take the easy way out-have someone drop an anvil on your head from a tall building;you would then be qualified to write speeches for politicians or Hollywood sitcoms.

Beach Bum said...

Teeluck: I'm holding my breath waiting for her call now.

Sunshine: Absolutely, the house I speak of was built in the 1960's and has five bedrooms and three bathrooms. It is owned by two sisters and they rent it out to only certain people they can trust, my youngest brother being one of them. It has a huge screened-in porch facing the marsh and while it is on the mainland it is still close enough to the beach to easily hear the roar of the surf.

For it to be on the east coast it is far enough away from city lights that the stars blaze at night. It has its own small pier on the marsh and the last time my brother, his wife, my kids, and me were there it was a nice breezy spring night and I think we didn't go inside until well after 2:00am.

With it being so "old" as compared to the overly ornate mansions that are near it the price to buy the place is only $660,000(priced in 2004). Not including insurance and taxes that drive most people away.

All things considered for me it is a little piece of heaven.

Yes, I love the movie Signs and watch it every time it comes on. I love the spooky atmosphere and the sense of impending doom the movie generates. Actually, I thought of the movie as well when I wrote up the foil hats.

Holte: Not only did I raise the blood pressure of my English teachers over passive voice my version of Microsoft Word throws up the error message on passive voice so much that I'm sure the program comes close to crashing at times.

Randal: I have come to the point that my Chips Ahoy cookies are always hidden in an undisclosed location. As for zombie Chicken, 350 degrees works just fine and I have found that a little mango salsa goes well with it.

Goatman: Passive voice got so bad for me that I gave up and just hit the ignore button when the error message popped up.

Hill: Which goal? The total world domination or the eco-friendly rich and famous writer. If the writer thing doesn't work out I can always fall back on my army of zombie chickens.

Caffeine Princess: The new address will be added tonight. I'm still hitting the passive voice wall but at least I know enough now to correct it.

Oso: Thank you my friend and for that you and everyone else for that matter can be paid members of my entourage.

Rhiannon said...

I think you are a great satire writer...you are very good at it..it just seems to come so naturally for you! I'm not much on the Oprah deal..she is so overated and I grow so tired of so many people hanging on her(and Dr.Phils) every word like she is some god..or uhm excuse me "Goddess"! It is time for her and Dr. Phil to move on! It's so easy to tell people what to do or think or feel or say, when you are very very rich! Cop out! They've made more than enough money to save all of Haiti for heaven sakes! Makes me sick.

I can see you being interviewed on the PBS Charlie Rose show instead. That is where the real "intellects" and people with common sense and real talent seem to be...no arguing no yelling, just great one on one intelligent good conversations and interviews.

I have always imagined myself to one day be on the Charlie Rose show..after my book is published of 200 or so poems (13 years of my body of work in writing poetry and journaling) comes out, along with my Artwork as themes for some of my poems in the same book..I have imagined myself being on Charlie Rose show to give me more incentive to someday down the road put that book together along with my life experiences (which have been very very interesting to say the least!)and I have always seen myself with Charlie Rose holding my book up to the world..saying "what a delight it is to have you on the show Rhiannon I am so pleased you have come to discuss this absolutely wonderful incredible body of work in this beautiful astounding book of yours"! Then the interview starts with interesting questions by Charlie and intriging answers by me! Well, I can always dream can't I? I'm after all a Dreamweaver!

How's that for being acknowledged BB? Yes..I can imagine you on the Charlie Rose show instead (the intellects and important people will be watching you on there rather than "Oprah"...and I can imagine you talking with Charlie with great wit and satire and I can see him laughing and understanding your points and laughing with you..not at you..for you see Charlie is a real person. Just like you!:o)...

Keep dreaming..it just could happen. I'll meet you on TMZ and the Charlie Rose show..you go Beach Bum!...I'm serious I see your talent...oh please do not go on the Tyra Banks show...eeeeeeeuuuh!

Here's to fame my friend...the good kind..the kind that makes a difference in the world...a good difference.

Bless ya!

Rhi

Colonel Colonel said...

GO!! GO!! GO!!

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Good luck, double b (though, yes, in my mind, ladies beach volleyball already IS the national spectator sport). Regards to Oprah, also.

TomCat said...

Interesting Beach. Despite your considerable writing skills, you still have room for vivid fantasy.

MRMacrum said...

At least you have a plan now. Although watching Zombie chickens crossing the road to the nearest KFC would be a hoot.

Suzan said...

I wanna be a party of your entourage.

I'm good at separating M&M's.

Write on, buddy.

S
_______

Beach Bum said...

Rhia: I'm afraid that if I'm ever "discovered" that the minions I live around with toss me out of town.

Colonel: My wife tells me the same thing, although for different reasons.

Will: Ladies beach volleyball will always be the best part of the Olympics for me.

Tomcat: Fantasy? Don't make me send one of my elite Ninja cybernetic zombie chickens your way.

MRMacrum: That is where I buy my supplies of undead chickens. Don't tell the USDA.

Suzan: The problem with the green ones is that I believe they have been infected with nanobots whose ultimate goal is lower the intelligence of the American people where they would be interested in the mad prattle of Southern boys with deluded dreams of being Mickey Spillane.

goatman said...

I came I saw I went!

And in a passive voice

Hill said...

Passive vs Active.

As to your goals? They sound good to me.

:)

Beekeepers Apprentice said...

Stephen King, Jimmy Buffett, and I would then pal around and make fun of Dean Koontz and his toupee that I swear he must have stolen from William Shatner.

LOL!!!

Take it easy on Captain Kirk, there, though... :)

lime said...

can i be the sorter of m&ms in your new hierarchy? please? i like the green ones. also i have experience with zombie chickens. i could be their handler. basically, i just want access to a beach house, however rustic it may be, in this new order of things and i'm willing to to the jobs no one else wants.

Beach Bum said...

Goatman: This passive voice stuff is a major pain. I had major issues with passive voice in the story that I posted last night.

Hill: The world domination thing is still a possibility.

Beekeeper: Actually, I'm looking into hair restoration myself so I can't really talk.

Lime: Cool, just remember if the zombie chickens get uppity pull out a box of "Shake and bake". They usually fall back into line quickly.

MadMike said...

Bwahahahaahah!! I can't believe I missed this little gem. Hey Beach we are both starting new journeys. You with your writing and me with my efforts to turn MMA into a web magazine that will eventually be taken seriously. Good luck to you buddy!!!

Joyce said...

Obviously straight from the heart. Noble goals indeed! Brava! And most definitely keep those chickens close. You never know...