Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Miss Wiggles is going to a wedding

All concerned have been duly warned, I will accept no responsibility for what happens but it will most certainly be funny.





There are times that, as the old saying goes, I feel like some little old mushroom being kept in the dark and fed poop with respect to the lives of those around me. Whether my mushroom-ness is an unconscious act on my part to avoid a whole spectrum of assorted minutia I can do without or a deliberate act on the part of others to avoid bringing the redneck Neanderthal out in public is something for debate. But even then at some point news eventually filters down to me bringing me into the light, at least momentarily. Such an event happened this week while I was over armpit deep in fighting various work related alligators that have a habit of springing forth at the worst times. Dragonwife called me at work to report that her youngest brother who I will call descriptively "Warren Beatty" was finally tagged a few weeks ago , that is he asked his long suffering and totally fantastic girlfriend to marry him, and that now a date in which he will be bagged has been set. She went on to tell me that the happy couple is going to have a small wedding on some secluded Virginia beach mainly attended by family and "just a few friends".

While the only thing I try to avoid more than a wedding is a funeral but when informed of the wedding's ocean side location I quickly decided that in this case I could make an exception. I religiously follow the rule that a bad day at the beach always is better than a good day at work or one stuck at home. Even when that day at the beach forces me into what I am sure will be some sort of formal attire and having to deal with people I don't know and all sorts of social rules that might as well be high level quantum physics to me. After returning home from work free of my concerns there and my nature being what it is I began trying to figure out an angle that could get me out of the formal ceremonies allowing me to more readily enjoy my usual beach practices. It was then that my daughter, Miss Wiggles, came running into the living room from the backyard holding a brother, or at least a distant cousin, to the Geico gecko screaming that the little guy was hungry and that he needed a honey bun. Various ideas about how to avoid the wedding ceremonies flew through my head as I tried to talk Miss Wiggles into releasing the gecko even as the little guy's eyes were beseeching me to get him away from what I'm sure he thought of as the cute terror holding his life in her hands. It didn't take too long for me to realize that the best plan to accomplish what I wanted involved my little girl standing right in front of me. After some serious negotiating the gecko was returned to the backyard with a small piece of honey bun and my daughter in turn received a tall glass of chocolate milk to go with the rest of the honey bun. I then called my mother-in-law to sacrifice myself for the sake of an uninterrupted wedding.

One thing you have to understand about my in-laws is that each and every one of them are a very structured, controlled, and deliberate person. I do not offer this as a criticism, although they would certainly differ, but just an observation of how their family works. My family is almost completely spontaneous with most plans of any nature not surviving contact with the morning light. They in turn just about plan everything to a microscopic detail at times strangling the life and fun out of what they wish to do. Being honest here but both the spontaneous and the structured ways of doing things have their benefits and drawbacks. Many times my family have meant to do one thing with a last minute minor change in plan ruining just about everything else. On the other hand going on vacation with my wife at times can feel like some timed road march I use to have in the army with her rushing us from one location to another to beat the crowd or make some parade. Holidays like Christmas with my in-laws also are a structured affair with each event like opening presents timed down to the second and Christmas dinner being thrown into a nuclear meltdown panic as someone realizes that a vital ingredient for some gourmet dish is missing. My family in turn would just throw out the failed dish and open a can of Spam. But all things being equal my in-law's desire to have everything perfect with every person in their place and a place for every person often runs slap into the face of reality.

When Mrs. Sunshine, my mother-in-law, answered her phone I began feeling her out about the wedding asking her if Miss Wiggles was going to have any duty in the ceremonies. She said no, and then I asked her what the general idea of the wedding was going to be like. While it is planned to be a simple affair the couple have each written special vows that will be performed with several pieces of music being played that are important to both. As she stayed true to her family's structured nature going into every tiny detail of what was planned I struggled to avoid its mind numbing effects as I was told the various color schemes and flowers that were going to be used along with where and how they would be placed on the beach as water from the light surf would lap over the young couple's feet as they speak their vows. Once she was finished and I took several hits from the beer I had opened about eleven to twelve minutes into her description I asked her if it would be best for Miss Wiggles and myself to hang back at some other location (I was thinking a Tiki bar with a drop dead gorgeous female bartender) to avoid any undue outbursts that might derail the event. Mrs. Sunshine was completely flabbergasted that I would even suggest such a thing saying that all the plans, while not having the children in the ceremonies, none the less required the children to be present. I took a deep breath and opened another beer as I told my mother-in-law that in all the trips to the beach I make with the kids it is habit to let them in general, and Miss Wiggles in particular, to run absolutely wild to burn off as much energy as they can. I also reminded her about how at our last visit to their house we all went to Shoney's for a quick dinner and had to drag Wiggles off the salad bar after she slipped away from Dragonwife and crawled up on it to get more macaroni and cheese after we all said she couldn't have any until she ate her peas. Mrs. Sunshine, in her best Southern accent, said that her granddaughter had certainly outgrown such behavior by now. I almost told her she needed to ask a certain terrified gecko about that presumption but thought against it.

Sometime later Dragonwife came storming up the stairs into the computer room wanting to know why I was doing my best to avoid her brother's wedding, yes her mother called back at some point. While our relationship is light-years from perfect, hell it's light-years from normal, she and her mother know me well enough to have figured out my intentions. In all seriousness I told her that while yes I didn't necessarily have a warm fuzzy about standing on a beach in my one and only suit while sickly sweet music played and dozens of other in-laws I still didn't know after more than a decade of marriage hovered around the happy couple. I did think it would be better if Wiggles and I were someplace else so she wouldn't try to run off and go swimming as they exchanged vows. My wife assured me that she would have a talk with our daughter before hand to prevent her from showing such a behavior. One must always realize, at least with my wife and her family, when talking any further is meaningless. So I told her okay and that as long as she thought she could control Wiggles I would go along with their plans. My son, Darth Spoilboy, who was seriously boggarting the computer working his mySpace page and staying in contact with all his friends online, began snickering since he knew first hand about Wiggles’ nature on a beach. Dragonwife walked back downstairs happy that I had gone her way but unsettled that Spoilboy too thought their plans unworkable. It doesn't really matter to me in the end since I will have my camera and the antics of my daughter and the reactions from my in-laws and the bride's family will make great pictures to post. If I get a video camera I may even get something that might get me some money from America Funniest Videos and no matter what I will find a Tiki bar.

23 comments:

Utah Savage said...

What a wonderful piece Beach! I have so hated both funerals and weddings, and in fact can see little difference between the two. I have made enemies by not attending either. I have gone so far as donating my body to the University of Utah's research departments, like anatomy classes-- any useful tissue or bone, or my remarkable lungs, and enormous heart for contemplation or the nasty prank, I don't give a shit. Just so there is no damn funeral. I married three times. First time I had a "Wedding," I hated everybody by the time that horror was over. Thinking I had learned a thing or two, had quiet, court house weddings for the other two--for all the good it did me. I go so far as to say, marriage is an anachronism. A worn out institution. DNA solves paternity and the custody sharing can be mediated during the pregnancy. Child support should be reasonable and fair......bla bla ble. Cynical? Maybe. Happy to be living alone? Yes. But I'm female and old. It makes sense. All that's missing is a beach-- a mostly empty, long sandy beach, outcroppings of rock for tiny homes to all manner of delights for a child. Shells (no garbage) on the sand. My old dog, off leash. Poop bag in my hand. Bare feet, pants rolled up.

Ever been to Manuel Antonio National Park in Costa Rica?

Beach Bum said...

Never been but Costa Rica is high on my list as possible places to expatriate to. I'm not big on marriage right now myself which is very ease to read between the lines in some of my posts.

Keshi said...

I love weddings and the beach. We hv ALOT in common BB :)

Keshi.

E said...

aah..the key mistake. "There will be no role for the kids but they must be present regardless." The recipe for wedding disaster (or fun, depending on how you look at it)...

lime said...

lol, yes. you made your position known, now it is time to concede defeat, go along with whatever plans they have mapped out and just ride the waves. besure to let us know about the mayhem in all the glory. hehehehe

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Crap...I just need to go home and go back to bed. Let me try this again...

Did someone say "tiki bar" AND Costa Rica? Oh crap...I am SO there...;)

Cute story...and why shouldn't youngin's be allowed to run amok on the beach...it's part of what beaches are for! ;)

Beach Bum said...

Keshi: You keep saying things like that and I know I'll have to find a way to Australia.

E: I'm looking at it as a recipe for fun. I just hope I get good pictures of my in-laws melting down.

Lime: I'll be taking pictures just as soon as the music starts to play. And I'll do my very best NOT to say "I told you so" when things go south.

Stacy: Costa Rica is my escapist fantasy of the week. Next week it returns to some beach on the west coast of Australia. And I'll be desperately needing a Tiki bar right after that wedding. Hell, I could use one right now.

Naj said...

thanks for responding to Action Call

Best

Mike said...

Finding the Tiki bar is almost always a guaranteed success story. Keep up the good work Beach!

C.Rag said...

I'm stuck going to a wedding in Pittsburgh that the groom loves to crochet & the bride doesn't drink.
WTF?
I can't even show up drunk, because I'm supposed to avoid fetal alcohol syndrome...stupid doctors & their rules.

Stella said...

Weddings. Not my favorite way to spend quality time with Trophy Husband. Well, Mrs. Sunshine did insist that children attend. What can you do, beach bum?

Mrs. Sunshine, in her best Southern accent, said that my daughter had certainly outgrown such behavior by now. I haven't outgrown running wild on the beach. I hope I never do.

Well, I hope the ceremony is casual and music is great. Those are the best beach weddings. And I hope you have a good vacation in June. Great post, beach bum: I thoroughly enjoyed it. In the meantime, here's a picture from Kiawah Island.

Utah Savage said...

Stella, I lived on Kauai, I know, it's not the same place, but in the early seventies I lived in a Phillipinno villiage on the outskirts of La Hui. Waling distance from gorgeous beaches, the sea wall, the harbor.

Beach I'm going to write a Costa Rica story for you. Four trips for me. My love retired there. We went on a month long expeditionary quest for just the perfect place. He chose a place I couldn't live in--The Orosi Valley, on a coffee plantation, cloud forest above. Great place to visit, but I couldn't live there. And maybe it was my snoring that drove him to such a rich location for exotic molds--my one big allergy.

Anyway, you've got a beach story in your future at my place. Put a hex on it for now. Not a great place for the menfolk or chillens.

Beach Bum said...

Naj: You welcome, both the senile old fool and the screeching witch seem intent on spreading more wars. While real and substantial differences separate the United States and Iran war is not the answer.

Mike: I'm assured that there are at least three bars in the area that will serve my purpose. Given the mental mindset of the in-laws might need to hit all three.

C. Rag: Yeah, I read at your site about the how the groom loves to crochet & the bride doesn't drink. I have to honestly say I wouldn't trade places with you.

Stella: What can I do? Try and make lemon-aide with the lemons I will be given. From what Mrs. Sunshine says we will be wearing suits and she told me that no one will be barefoot. That one will be hard, very hard.

Utah: Looking forward to the story. I wonder about Belize sometimes. But I've heard enough that many of the quiet places in Central America have been turned into copies of Miami from just too many expat Americans. The southern island of New Zealand is another option. Got to run my son is about to push me out the seat to get to the computer. He has a new girlfriend and needs to IM her. That is a post I'm working on now.

The Zombieslayer said...

You hit why I hate going to weddings perfectly. I'd so much rather be swimming with Miss Wiggles than standing up being all proper and civilized and faking a smile with the grown-ups.

One wedding I went to, Junior and I escaped from the adults and went to catch lizards. Highlight of the wedding. They were divorced within 2 years anyways, so we didn't miss much.

Beach Bum said...

Slayer: From reading this post and others it ain't hard to tell that I don't exactly (in the extreme) fit in with my in-laws or the people they hang around. I have no issue with that but I still don't like having to play the social rules. The wedding isn't till September and I still haven't ruled out spiking my daughter with a Mountain Dew right before the ceremony forcing the issue. She and I could run off to play away from the people but my son has expressed the fact that even he doesn't want to stuck there himself.

Colonel Colonel said...

In my wife's family (for generations back) all the kids ditch their swimsuits as soon as they hit the beach and run around nekkid- it sounds like the suggestion that Ms. Wiggles might do that would probably get you a pass from the formal ceremony.

Beach Bum said...

Colonel: Serious as I can be she ditched her swimsuit and went naked, along with two other girls, at one of the Disney resorts a couple of years ago. Check out my post "Dazed Disney Adventures".

MadMike said...

I can't believe I missed this delightful little gem! After almost 20 years of living in the Florida Keys, just a few miles north of Key West, I can tell you some "wedding at the beach" stories. I watched most of them from a nearby Tiki bar, a common sight in the Keys. I would love to be at this wedding, ensconced of course at the TB, watching Miss Wiggles doing what she does best: terrorizing the stuffy adults. I can't wait to hear the follow-up to this story.

Beach Bum said...

MadMike: You can bet there will be a follow up story as well as many pictures I can take without laughing my butt off while stuff is going on.

Stella said...

Is this the June 7th vacation or am I confusing the two?

Beach Bum said...

Stella: The June 7th trip is our annual vacation to Mickey's place. The wedding of my former playboy bother-in-law is in late September. That is if he doesn't muck it up.

Melvin said...

good story ... i enjoyed
thanks for sharing...


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Melvin
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