Saturday, April 6, 2013

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus***


...Or Observations on the state of the Christian faith in Twenty-first century America.





As a somewhat chagrined observer of the human condition, one of the activities I always find fascinating is how we naked primates are constantly searching for a connection with God to justify our existence or actions. It is not enough that we have created God in our image by visualizing him/her not just as human but an old, Caucasian guy endlessly answering the prayers of his favorite ethnic group or individuals, we search every facet of daily life looking for the least little thing that might suggest his/her interest in our lives.     

On the surface it seems, at least to me, a reasonable behavior very much akin to a small child seeking reassurance from his or her parents. Except that when you are dealing with humans  a person or people desperately looking for that personal one-on-one Oprah moment with the creator of the universe have a very nasty tendency to go overboard. On a grand scale, new religions are the worse since they fly off the handle at some point believing the Big Guy wants them to convert every unbeliever, at the point of a sword if need be. On an individual level, things can get just as weird with countless cases of people getting really stupid. The short list involves people blowing themselves up, taking a shower in gasoline and then flicking their favorite Zippo lighter, or my favorites since they are far less hurtful to others, like seeing images of Jesus or even the Big Guy in clouds, MRI pictures, or fried foods.

I clearly remember an incident back in the 1970’s when I was standing in the checkout line at the local Piggly Wiggly with my grandparents overhearing a couple of “Good Old Country Folks” discussing the religious significance of a particular picture in one of the national tabloids. The image in question showed clouds that supposedly looked like Jesus and Satan locked in combat over the ruins of some ancient church. I believe I was thirteen at the time and while my grandparents both attended church on a regular basis I clearly remember my granddad fighting off belly laughs as the two Country Folks convinced each other this “battle” meant that the Rapture was rapidly approaching.

Both these Country Folks went as far as buying the tabloid so they could take it home and show some relative so “he would get right with the Lord.” Honestly, if the Creator of the Universe has to reveal his presence on a tabloid he may want to find another agent because sharing printed space with the likes of the Kardashians or the latest gossip about Prince William cheating on Kate is oh so tacky. On a side note, if that goofy bastard ever cheats on the beautiful Kate he needs to be on hung upside down from the Tower of London by his balls.

Sadly, it is not just the proverbial Good Old Country Folks that see Jesus in curious places, one obviously middle class lady is convinced he appeared in her MRI picture. While I admit I have also seen some strange and wonderful sights, usually after one too many shots of bad tequila, it goes without saying I am more convinced that the “Paul is dead” message was real than Jesus deciding it would advance the Christian faith by surreptitiously inserting himself on a medical image. Forgive me for getting uppity but if Jesus wants to inspire believers, the approach that might work far better is having a kid or two suffering with cancer receive a miracle cure. On another related side note, if a major news organization has to broadcasts such moronic crap they need to find another line of work.

The most bizarre examples of Jesus making appearance have him showing up on fried foods. Over the years I have seen television newscasts and still pictures of fools holding up such items like grilled cheese sandwiches or tortilla chips emblazon with burn marks in the shape of Jesus Christ. Generally speaking, it takes me several minutes for my stomach to calm down after seeing such reports. First, it challenges my belief in reality that anyone except two-year old children and the utterly insane would ever believe such moronic fantasies. Secondly, with such incredible sights on both the macro and microscopic scale implying some sort of underlying order like the planets and the structure of DNA inside cells overly religious types look to fried foods for evidence of the divine suggests a cosmic joke of unbelievable proportions.

Finally, this brings up the latest in divinely inspired foods a woman in Florida has found evidence of the Almighty on a Goldfish cracker.



Woman Finds God on a Goldfish Cracker

Burke hasn't decided what to do with her holy cracker yet. She carries it around in an earring box padded with gauze.




***1.) Listen let me make this very clear it was not my intent to anger anyone, I was raised in a very Christian household and over the years I have known many good and intelligent people doing their best to follow the teachings of Christ but to any sane people this fascination with supposed divine images on food is crazy. 2.) Yes, I stole the title from a Jimmy Buffett song. 

17 comments:

MikeP said...

"Jesus came into my life and all I got was a cracker."

Pixel Peeper said...

"I believe it's a sign...a sign from God..."

Me, too. A sign that she should eat a lot less Goldfish crackers! All that sodium, fat, and refined carbohydrates from eating 2 to 3 pounds of those crackers will give her high blood pressure, make her bloated and overweight, and cause diabetes. Maybe then this woman can pray for a miracle cure.

I just have a hard time believing that God is interested in appearing on crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, and fried food, or making it rain on a political convention, caring about the outcome of a football game, or blessing just one specific nation.

Mr. Charleston said...

So God is a smiley face? Isn't that a Forest Gump thing? Isn't that a good thing? Just think, it could be a lot worse. He could be Dennis Rodman.

Marja said...

Good piece Beach. Amazing too that this fishy story gets so much attention in the media. It appears that some people are more interested in this than in being good to each other. Too busy studying crackers I guess

Beach Bum said...

Mike P: LOL!!!I forgot to add that a Jesus-shaped Cheeto has also been found.

Pixel: And some people wonder why I talk about finding some isolated spot away from the greater mass of civilization.

Mr. Charleston: Good point, of course I'd go along if God looked like Kate Upton.

Marja: I made a remark to one person that since I live in a very developed area I can't see the stars anymore because of the artificial lights. That person could not understand what in the world I was talking about but this person is the kind that freaks out over God on the Goldfish cracker story.

Akelamalu said...

I bet God has a good laugh at the expense of humans. ;)

Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

Well, this certainly explains a lot.

okjimm said...

ohohoh...reminds me of a book by Carl Hiaasen (a funny and good writer) featuring an wil stain in the road that looked like Jesus...damn, can't remember the title. He is a good read if you haven't already found him.

lime said...

lord have mercy, i consider myself a christian but i agree. this sort of thing is beyond ridiculous. looks to me like the tip of a phillips head screwdriver imprint. maybe a screw came loose in the machinery...both in the goldfish production line and in that lady's head.

okjimm said...

ohohoh....found the book. "Lucky You"

~LUCKY YOU is set in the small town of Grange, Florida. It has become famous for its fiberglass Madonna that sheds tears and a road-stain that resembles the face of Jesus.~

Randal Graves said...

My Flathead can beat up your Phillips.

Life As I Know It Now said...

On another related side note, if a major news organization has to broadcasts such moronic crap they need to find another line of work.

But then those reporters might have to actually, you know, work! Better to keep the masses happy with pap ;)

Life As I Know It Now said...

And okjimm is right, Carl Hiaasen is a funny and good writer.

And I can't see the stars at night either!!!! That really, really, really pisses me off but most folks are so busy looking at their smart phones or watching "reality" TV and they don't care about the real stars, you know, the ones up in the sky, at all.

Ranch Chimp said...

Yeah Bum, I heard alot of that stuff over the year's myself ... ole Jesus and Mother mary show up in all kind's of form's and all kind's of place's ... be good if they showed up on Capitalism Hill in Washington to scare their asses for all their corruption I figure {: ) You mentioned that "Piggley Wiggley" place again ... I remember them year's back when I stayed in Atlanta for awhile, like back in the 1970's ... they had this pig face on the front of the store too {: ) (not the band "PigFace" : )

Take Care Bum ....

Ranch Chimp said...

I doubt much that anyone would claim to have seen an image of Allah ... probably get beheaded or castrated ....

goatman said...


Hope rings eternal . . .

Bella said...

got any Goldfish? I need a snack! LOL