Sunday, June 26, 2011

Pocelain Inspired Worship and Confessions

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin




 Seeking the cool and forgiving refuge of the porcelain god early this morning I stumbled into the bathroom wondering how in the world I could get lost in my own house. Feeling like Odysseus on his epic journey home my alcohol soaked brain twisted time and space into a pretzel like loop that somehow kept guiding me into the walk-in closet. Even in my inebriated state I realized if I caused any possible damage to my wife's clothes while lost my life would not be worth the boiling nuclear mass I felt inside my stomach.  

Finally at some point I backed up and while concentrating so hard I actually believe I hurt something instead of moving forward I drifted off to the left and found my destination. The cool altar welcomes my troubled forehead and I imagined, or at least I hope that is the case, it told me to reveal all my troubles. That is when I explained how my family and I had attended a party at my cousin's house with me enjoying myself far too much. It was a totally awesome get together with spectacular food and the best company and conversation in the world.

The Corona supply was unlimited and even as my lovely wife advised me to slow my intake I popped the tops on more beer I had drank in a long time. Never one to stop when I very much need too when we returned home I found the movie "Inception" about to come on one of the movie channels and wondered how I would perceive it while drinking margaritas...heavy on the tequila. It was freaking even more mind blowing!!!!

Of course at some point I had to pay for my sins and it was there kneeling before porcelain god that I confessed every sin I had committed and a few I only wished I had done. Thank God there was no recording device nearby. The only problem is that through it all Spock the Cat joined me and calmly stared at me as I paid my remittance. Cats being inscrutable I have no idea if he was there to support me or just silently laugh at my ass.  I'm not through paying for my sins yet, while my stomach has finished its meltdown my head hurts and Miss Wiggles wants to go to a local pet shelter and "volunteer" to help. Dear God have mercy on my poor soul.


20 comments:

Suzan said...

I'm right there with you.

(Used to be one of my favorite songs!)

Recover and regroup.

Charge!

Love ya,

S

Sue said...

Awww, sorry you were too drunk to know you were over doing! LOVE the part about the wifes clothes, I laughed out loud!!

goatman said...

Hey, that's not you!

That movie, inception, is enough to drive one to drink. The last half hour was a string of loud, pointless nonsense. No academy awards here.

Akelamalu said...

It always seems a good idea at the time doesn't it? But then later, on the big white telephone to God, you realise you shouldn't have. ;)

Leslie Morgan said...

Hey, Birdman (Parrothead), I'd already liked what I'd seen on your blog and whenever you comment over at Tag's Going Downhill, but I only just caught that you are a friend of Bill. Me, too, and not so very long yet. Sad to say, I really did kind of use this as a barometer: if I was still cute, then I wasn't too drunk, I guess "too drunk" being cannot rise from the floor or hair in a knot or clothes disheveled . . ugh. Don't want to go there.

A Buffett favorite: Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw.

Windsmoke. said...

Down here in Oz we call that laughing at the porcelain i've done that many times after a long session on the turps. The Dean Martin quote made me smile and gets my vote :-).

lime said...

"inception" while drunk. interesting concept!

thanks for not being so drunk you couldn't remember the evening and share a rather hilarious glimpse.

the cat really tops it off.

Sherry said...

Last time I had one of those worship at the porcelain throne moments was 21 years ago. It included some cleaning of the bathroom floor with an omg my head just exploded headache because...ummmm....well...let's just say I missed the bowl when I crawled in.

It was the wine I tell ya, it must have gotten sour or something. And it was the last time I had a drink.

The cat was simply wondering exactly what it was that made you do that and when were you going to do it again?

Ghost Dansing said...

sorry.... i guess we can all go deeper into the dream...

Beach Bum said...

Suzan: Its 8:36pm right now and I'm still shaking the cobwebs out of my head.

Sue: Yeah, I puked inside the closet once, speaking strictly metaphorically coming out was tough.

Goatman: No, I saw that photo on Demotivational poster website while back and thought it was a riot. I saved it but never really knew it would come in handy.

***Got to run, will finish responses later***********

Tag said...

God's own Drunk and a fearless man.
A poem I wrote a while back.

A Rough Night
by Tag Williams
Calling all my angels,
all my supernatural friends.
cuz, I lost my goddamn car keys, again.
I probably should quit drinkin' until 2am
but you know when I get going
it's a little hard to end,
but if you help me find them,
I'll get down on my knees and
swear I'll never drink again.
I'm calling all my angels,
all my supernatural friends.
I really hate to bother you
with such a trivial pursuit
but, the car keys still elude me
and I've looked high and low.
I've checked my laundry basket
and went through all my clothes
stuck my hand inside the sofa
found a a dollar fifty seven
and an old remote control
'oh so that's where it went'
Now I'm calling all my angels,
all my supernatural friends
just to give my thanks for
leavin' them under the toilet,
When was I in there?

So has anybody seen my wallet?

Beach Bum said...

Akelamalu: I'm probably going to do it again July 4th weekend. We are having my cousin and her husband over at my house and I don't have to go to work Sunday night. I just never seem to learn.

Leslie: Sometimes the fun thing about getting drunk is the ability to make excuses for behavior you would never do while sober. Been there, bone that, and have a fine collection of t-shirts for my efforts.

Windsmoke: I liked Dean, he would have been a blast to party with in the old Vegas days.

Lime: Inception is one of my favorite recent movies. You should have seen me try and type Sunday morning, now that would have been funny.

Sherry: Last Thanksgiving I got food poisoning or some stomach bug and missed a couple of times myself.

Ghost: Amen!

Tag: LOL!!!!!!
I never mentioned it but I did lose my wallet after coming home. Found it in the litter box. I have no idea how it got there but Spock looks guilty.

Nance said...

The pet store. Uh-huh. Here's where you get to earn your self-selected Parrotheadedness.

Randal Graves said...

What is this 'drunk' you speak of, is that like some smartphone?

Pixel Peeper said...

Love your quotes! My favorite "alcohol quote" is still the one from Benjamin Franklin ("Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.")

The last time I got this drunk (a long, long, long time ago), I remember saying to my ex, "Get a bucket and stop the bed!"

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Your only mistake double b, NOT GETTING RIGHT BACK INTO IT!!......Seriously, though, a little hair of the dog (not a lot in that you don't necessarily want to get tanked again) can sometimes avert the Armageddon that you seemingly experienced.......Not that I have any first hand experience pertaining to this, mind you.

Lowandslow said...

"....I have no idea if he was there to support me or just silently laugh at my ass."

I'm guessing laughing at your ass. Hahaha!

Better tomorrow. :)

S

Cloudia said...

Steady Bro!



Aloha from Honolulu

Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>


> < } } ( ° >

< ° ) } } > <

R W Rawles said...

I don't remember smiling at the porcelain on account of demon rum more than once in the last three decades. But before that time (about), I often smiled at our aged backyard avocado tree which was fortuitously shaped to receive long and broad smiles. Ah, nostalgia!

Mr. Charleston said...

Don't worry BB. God looks after fools and drunks. I can attest to it.