Monday, September 27, 2010

Where Do I Apply For That Job?


In a move that I am sure will bring howls of derision and laughter from many quarters the United Nations is about to appoint the first ambassador to coordinate contact with any alien species that might want to establish relations with Humanity. Now understand I do not find this hysterically funny for what would be considered normal and sane reasons, I serious believe that intelligent life exists all through the universe and that there is a very slim possibility that even now we are being observed.

No, I find this funny because if anyone takes the time to look up how much energy it would take to propel a starship the vast distances between the stars why would any intelligent species even give us naked primates the time of day. In fact if we are being observed I somehow see an interstellar Las Vegas on some distant planet with huge view screens showing the various activities of us humans on this planet. Some monitors would show fat ass bankers sailing around in mega-yachts, others would show starving children huddling in dark corners. Many would have the usual armed fanatics out to kill in the name of some ridiculous cause, to huge factory ships on the oceans stripping the waters bare of any life.

All the while some multi-armed and eyed bookmakers would be taking bets on when the sanctimonious idiots finally kill each other off quickly or slowly due to their pollution wrecking the planet. With a few beers in me I even imagine interstellar real estate agents looking enviously at our world with plans to come in and fix the place up once we finally die out. Plenty of water and we surely couldn't totally sterilize the place. A little work with planetary engineering equipment and I imagine they could turn a decent profit selling Earth as a global subdivision.

Given how I feel about real suburbia and the human inhabitants I live around even now I find that idea riotously funny. (Sorry, I've been drinking again) Especially since the subdivision I live in has a huge problem with native wildlife taking refuge in garages and underneath houses with several businesses dedicated to "removing" them. Now think about some poor raccoon looking for shelter under a house and now upscale that to aliens subdivisions here on earth with the last few humans scrambling to do the same.

But I digress, getting back to the human ambassador position I have to admit that I would love a chance to apply for it if they hadn't already picked Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, for the job. I would mainly want the job just so I could emulate my hero Jim Kirk, see the dude could both get real "friendly" with smoking hot green skinned chicks and almost at the same time whip out his phaser and blast the ugly alien saving day and leaving Spock with a curious expression of disgust on his face. Call be crazy but that's real diplomacy in my book.




She will set out the details of her proposed new role at a Royal Society conference in Buckinghamshire next week.

The 58-year-old is expected to tell delegates that the proposal has been prompted by the recent discovery of hundreds of planets orbiting other starts, which is thought to make the discovery of extraterrestrial life more probable than ever before.

Mrs Othman is currently head of the UN’s little known Office for Outer Space Affairs (Unoosa).

In a recent talk to fellow scientists, she said: “The continued search for extraterrestrial communication, by several entities, sustains the hope that some day human kind will received signals from extraterrestrials.

“When we do, we should have in place a coordinated response that takes into account all the sensitivities related to the subject. The UN is a ready-made mechanism for such coordination.”

Professor Richard Crowther, an expert in space law at the UK space agency who leads delegations to the UN, said: “Othman is absolutely the nearest thing we have to a ‘take me to your leader’ person”.

The plan to make Unoosa the co-ordinating body for dealing with alien encounters will be debated by UN scientific advisory committees and should eventually reach the body’s general assembly.

Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

Mrs Othman is understood to support a more tolerant approach.

But Professor Stephen Hawking has warned that alien interlopers should be treated with caution.

He said: “I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. The outcome for us would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”

20 comments:

PENolan said...

There is a space treaty from 1967? Who knew?

Beach Bum said...

A relic from the "Space Race" of the 1960's. There was real concern at the time that the United States and Soviet Union would take the Cold War to space. Just for my own selfish reasons I sort of wish they had, we would have cities on the moon by now.

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

holy fuckamoly...the shit we spend money on.

As for the varmints...they lived their first, so fuck the humans that get put out by them.

lime said...

i wonder what language her business cards will be printed in...you know, so the aliens can read it.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

As a non-alien, sometimes even I can't believe what's going on "down here". Can you imagine what somebody/something with a totally fresh perspective would think? I mean, my God, double b, the "Jersey Shore" alone would probably be enough to explode whatever it is that contains their intelligence, sensibilities, etc..

Randal Graves said...

Everyone knows that if we were ever to encounter an alien, we'd shoot first and ask questions later.

Liberality said...

Well it would serve us right if they came and did the same to us that has been done to countless cultures and animal species. ;~P

Beach Bum said...

Dusty: I agree, of course I hate suburbia and for that reason I have a huge bias.

Lime: Good question, but I just hope if aliens come they don't eat us.

Will: I have said several times, although I left it out of this post, I don't believe humans are an intelligent species.

Randal: Good point, or we would hire them to pick our food and clean out yards.

Liberality: According to Hawking that will happen, and he's a smart man.

Marja said...

WOnder what the protocol would be
in NZ they would great them with the Haka a warrior dance but that would scare them off

Beach Bum said...

Marja: Better in NZ than here in the States, the crazies Americans would go all alien invasion when the they only stopped by for directions.

Tim said...

Times like this I wish I still drank.

?>Well as one who's seen a UFO, and no I wasn't drinking. I was about 12,
I'm convinced they exist. btw I was with my friends playing baseball.when we saw it. Close enough to see some details. It hovered for a minute or two then disappeared. I guess it was reported by a lot of other people who seen it to.
I wouldn't want to be the ambassador. We have enough to deal with the tea scrotum's....

okjimm said...

//the first ambassador to coordinate contact with any alien species that might want to establish relations with Humanity//

...... so the UN is sending an Ambassador to Fox News

Teresa said...

I loved it when they included the Green Alien in the new Star Trek !!

Beach Bum said...

Tim: If I got detailed enough, over enough beers, I would come across as a flake over what I think about UFO's. I haven't seen anything close to a UFO but with the universe as old as it is and even now scientists talk about wormholes to jump between stars even though it could take us 10,000 for us to figure out how, if ever, I think the situation is far more complicated than many would understand.

Okjimm: That would dangerous and sleazy duty, you couldn't pay me to enter Fox headquarters with nothing less that a fully armed squad of infantry. I think more of undead zombies than Fox people.

Teresa: I have to admit that was one of my favorite parts, Chris Pine was a lucky guy. By the way, I think you like my vampire stories, I have one about ready to post.

Pixel Peeper said...

Hey, it's entirely possible - Gliese 581g is only 20 light years away. Cosmically speaking, that's practically next door. I'd even share chocolate or beer with them if they came to my house.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Double b, while I abhor Ms. O'Donnell for saying that "evolution is a myth", I completely agree with you that we haven't evolved anywhere near enough (Ms. O'Donnell herself being the most obvious case in point to that).

Teresa said...

I'm ready --v-v--

AYATOLLAH TRUTHMENI 101 said...

A hot chick is a hot chick regardless of the pigmentation of her skin.

You know what they say in the Andromeda galaxy: Once you go green...

Beach Bum said...

Pixel: I'd share just about anything with any space alien but beer is strictly BYOB.

Will: The thought has crossed my mind that we may be devolving, the strange creatures on Jersy Shore are my prime example.

Teresa: Got one more page to write then I begin proof reading. Its been a stop and go project for close to a month. But I had the vampire movie "Daybreakers" steal one of my ideas and now the book "The Passage" sort of got another one. Thank God, I ain't trying to sell this stuff.

Truthmeni: You are a man of great wisdom sir. On a side note while she ain't green ask me sometime of the nurse I have been talking to at work. WOW! I knew I loved Mexico for a reason.

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