Saturday, September 11, 2010

Another Outbreak of Foot In Mouth Disease.






Spock the Cat jumped on my bed early Tuesday afternoon and began playfully gnawing my fingers waking me up from what at best was a fitful sleep. Spock does this when he wants attention but after rolling over to look at my alarm clock and seeing it was only 1:30pm, far too early to even consider getting up, I shooed the cat off the bed and tried to go back to sleep. As I lay there with my eyes closed, it was then I noticed the first stabs of headache pain like someone first hears the sound of a distant but oncoming thunderstorm.

Ignoring past headache experience and how they often turn me into a mound of quivering Jell-O, I rolled over and finally dozed off hoping I could sleep it away this time. When it came time to get up at 3:30pm my headache was in full synchronization with the shrill and pulsating screeching of the alarm clock forcing me out of bed and stumbling to the bathroom to try and find some medicine. I had less than thirty minutes before my daughter was suppose to be at gymnastics and I still had to drive to her school first to pick her up.

I cursed myself for not finding some sort of pain reliever when the cat woke me up earlier because I quickly remembered that my wife had engaged in her hobby of near obsessive reorganization the previous weekend. Sitting on the bathroom floor gorilla-like, I snatched open plastic storage containers throwing aside just about anything you might have in household medicine chest but not one damn thing for pain, except for a bottle of Midol which I ignored just for stupid, male chauvinist reasons.

As expected, I finally found something to take not in any of the bathroom storage containers but on the spice rack in the kitchen. Don’t ask me why the Tylenol and Excedrin bottles were stored there; I was just damn glad I found something even though I had to mix a couple of different pain relievers since the bottles had only one pill each. I know mixing medication is a big no-no but with my right eyeball feeling like it was being sucked in my skull while the left felt like it was going to pop out something had to be done. After I forced a couple of pills down I ran out of the house and somehow got my daughter to her gymnastics class on time.

Miss Wiggles’ gym is just far enough away from the house to make going back home a waste of time since I would only have about thirty minutes at the house before having to drive back to pick her up. As usual, I retreated to the car but instead of reading, I went back to sleep hoping the pain reliever would soon kick in. The pills did kick in as I hoped but that offered a whole new opportunity for me to embarrass myself

My sinus headaches are so extreme at times that I have to take some sort of maximum strength medicine to control the pain. When I run out or, like that day, simply can’t find I have to make do with what is on hand. There are usually little or no side effects but as I woke from my nap in the car, I realized I had a very nice buzz going. The world no longer hurt at all but it did have a warm fuzzy feel that made coherent thought difficult in its own way.

Back inside the building, a gaggle of mothers were still gathered around the windows of the viewing area watching their respective children and talking about homework, dinner, and the various chores they had waiting on them when they got home. Even with my buzz going and loving all humanity I knew enough to stay away from the ladies not only since being the only dad present stifles normal conversation but the instructors were going overtime with the kids throwing off well-rehearsed schedules and pushing their moods to the dark side.

When the kids were finally released both they and their now late moms quickly hauled butt to get home and back on schedule. That left one final mom and myself waiting for our children who were still with the instructor.

This attractive mom was dressed in a nice pantsuit with a tight blouse that showed off her nicely shaped breasts. This lady’s daughter and mine are friends both in school and gymnastics but I did not know her name, and in all the time Wiggles has attended gymnastics I have never spoken more than ten words to her. I could tell she was upset, I figured from the waiting, so the higher function levels of my brain were telling me that this was not the time to try and strike up small talk. The only problem was that with my buzz going my higher functioning levels were not entirely in control.

After checking her watch again, she impatiently stepped into the actual gym area momentarily before coming back out. “They are finally finishing up.” She said to me letting out a long sigh and folding her arms across her chest.

Seeing how her folded arms uplifted her breasts it was then that a thought originating from the lower functions levels of my brain went through. Unfortunately, my buzz-addled brain redirected that thought to my vocal cords.

“You have really nice boobs.” I both thought and said at the same time with my brain sending an emergency stop message about a microsecond too late. Given my past bad relations with damn near everyone I live around, I figured I had finally totally screwed the proverbial pooch.

I admit the lady froze in place and looked at me like I was insane. Worry about all sorts of repercussions leading up to me being forced to leave town flashed through my head. Not that leaving this area hasn’t gone through my head many times but it was always under happier circumstances. In the end, all I could do was stand there and wait for the shit to hit the fan.

“You know,” she said as I cringed expecting the worse, “I have had a rotten couple of weeks and that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.” It was then she reached out and gave me a hug, seemingly squeezing me especially hard.

After she released me, our kids came running out and we all quickly left. Frankly, I was perplexed not knowing which to be more grateful for, the hug or not getting into serious trouble. Driving home, my buzz long disintegrated, I figured it was best not to tempt fate and I decided it best to leave that question unanswered.

24 comments:

tnlib said...

I'm forever doing something like this and I don't even have a buzz on. I'm all too familiar with the part about "my brain sending an emergency stop message about a microsecond too late." I don't think I'd mix those pills again, though. Too damn funny.

Joan Perry; Sidewalk Curator said...

That encounter could have ended very differently! Good for her.

TRUTH 101 said...

I don't see what the problem was Beach Bum. I'm always telling women they have nice boobs. I once told a lady when I was running for county board that her kid was the ugliest baby I'd ever seen.


It would be nice if a few ladies returned the favor said I had a nice ass or impressive bulge. They don't even have to mean it. Although I did mean it when I said the baby was ugly.

Pixel Peeper said...

LOL! Glad to hear you're one of us normal people who know how to open mouth and insert foot!

Totally understand about the buzz and fog from painkillers - had to undergo a tooth extraction on Friday and became familiar with how horrible Vicodin can make me feel.

Beach Bum said...

Tnlib: It's all too common for me to put my foot in my mouth, in fact it was recently remarked by my dentist that I was the first person he ever saw with athletes tongue.

Joan: Yes, I very much appreciated her good will.

Truth 101: LOL!!! I did have a lady "marvel" at how tall I am once. Not quite what I wanted to talk about with her but I will go with what I got.

Pixel: Of course once I got home I asked where the good pain killer was and she had it in one of the bathroom drawers, less than a foot away from where I tore into the storage containers.

Like I said above, I put my foot in my mouth on a regular basis.

lime said...

ROFLMAO!!! dude, when you admitted to making that remark out loud i was ducking to avoid the slap i was sure you were going to get....even as i was laughing and thinking, "oh no he did not just say that....oh god, he DID!" because as a migraine sufferer i know all to well how a headache can totally mess up the self-edit button. hilarious though. and i'm glad you got a boob smooshing hug out of the deal.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

36-Cs? 38-Ds? Guesstimate for us, double b. Inquiring/perverted minds definitely want to know.

Liberality said...

Wasn't she nice to see the compliment and probably your embarrassment and decide to be nice in return?

Today I had a killer headache that has only now just faded. They are migraine intensity and will ruin an entire day if not week. Thankfully, I don't get them as much as I used to.

PENolan said...

All's well that ends well - but wait until she tells the Mommy Mafia ;)

Doc Häagen-Dazs said...

Thank God for buttons and pain-killers!

Dave Dubya said...

And I thought I had the worst sinus troubles.

Whenever I am caught enjoying a particular view, I have conditioned myself to say, "You have a really nice... smile". I just have to remember to say that when I'm in FRONT of them...Otherwise I'd have to say "nice shoes" or something I don't know anythng about.

Beach Bum said...

Lime: Yes, I did say that and it was truly like I wrote. Just as soon as the words escaped I realized what I had done. But the lady must have had a couple of bad weeks like she said since she gave me the hug. Saw her again on Thursday but we only said hello.

Will: Simply put they were perfect, not too big and not too small with her blouse almost molded around them.

Liberality: From the look I noticed on her face before I put my foot in my mouth something was up and she was nervous. It might have just been on of those moments that were right.

I hate headaches, they destroy me and usually when I can't just lay down and sleep.

PENolan: I was worried about that when Thursday came around and I had to take my daughter back to gymnastics. Nothing happened, although I was out the door very quickly after dropping Wiggles off. No need to tempt things.

Doc Haagen: All I will say is that she is a very attractive and high class looking lady.

Dave: Due to my total lack of social standing in this area (Joe Wilson is the congressman)I keep a low profile. So I tend to say as little as possible when I am out, many here wear their conservatism on their sleeves and shoulders wanting someone to knock that chip off.

Marja said...

Lol yeh blame it on the pills ;)
But anyway that nobody hadn't said anything nice to her that she had to hug you for it is a bit sad for her though.
Have a good day beach

Middle Ditch said...

At first I though the cat woke you up at 1.30 in the morning before I realized it was the afternoon! My cat does this but not that early, usually about 4.30 with little nibbles and soft licks.

Now, don't ever mix up painkillers again. My poor husband did and, like you, payed the price. On the day we were supposed to fly too!

Nice lady.

Teresa said...

At least it was a honest statement and not proceeded with a line of BS !

TomCat said...

Grrr!! I hate the Blogger error message that means it just ate your comment! :-( Try again.

She saved you from crucifixion on a flaming Republican cross, because she could see in your embarrassed face that your outburst was not a come on. You should learn a lesson here.

Always listen to the cat. We know best. ;-)

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

TomCat, you can't even talk about chicks without being partisan? I mean, come on here, you've had the Presidency and Congress for two years now. Be happy!

Jack Jodell said...

Beach,
You are hilarious. Sorry you tend to get those terrible headaches, though. Geez---she could have just as easily hauled off and smacked you across the face! You must be a lucky guy.

Randal Graves said...

Oh, that only worked because you did the Spinal Tap cucumber-in-foil trick, you can't fool us.

TomCat said...

Will, have you no appreciation for humor?

Beach, when you get a chance, would you stop by PP? My lead article relates to your neck of the woods.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Actually, TomCat, I do. As a rec director at a convalescent home, I just came up with a brand new game (only to be played at men's club, though); bra-size bingo. 34-B! 38-D! Hopefully, I will not be terminated.

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

Sweet-friggin-jesus I think I just peed myself. You freak! ;)

I do like it when I have to direct male's to look up at my face and not at my chest.

Beach Bum said...

Marja: Yeah, not sure on teh details and just to prevent be putting my foot in my mouth I'm going to leave it alone.

Middle Ditch: The last couple of days Spock the Cat has even gone as far as to start picking on Sparky the Dog who sleeps at my feet. It gets loud quickly and could wake the dead.

Teresa: Actually if I remember correctly I recieved and A in Advanced BS 120 while in college.

Tomcat: Blogger often eats my comments, it always happened after I write something especially intelligent.

Will: You know I saw a seriously hot republican chick somewhere and pondered switching sides.

Jack: Welcome to the strange and wonderful world that occupies the space between my ears.

Randal: You're on to me.

Tomcat: Roger dodger

Will: Just hire some Hooters girls to drop by, the guys will love it or they might all drop dead due to heart failure. But what a way to go.

Dusty: Thank you, freak is the nicest thing anyone has said to me recently.

TomCat said...

Will, is a Z-bra an automatic winner?