Monday, June 14, 2010

Lessons I Learned While on Vacation

The first lesson I learned is that inter-species relationships never work out. The lovely lady you see me with in the picture is Jenny and she flirted, kissed, and lead me on for several minutes before dumping me and moving on to someone else breaking my heart. Contrary to what I have heard Jenny felt more like smooth velvet than an old inner tube which the nature shows often say about the texture of dolphin skin.

Another pod mate of Jenny's did visit the small group Miss Wiggles and I were a part of during our dolphin encounter at Discovery Cove, his name was Gary and his skin did feel like an inner tube. It was also easy to tell that Gary had a thing for Jenny, which was one of the reasons the dolphin encounters for that day were so far behind schedule. The two dolphins broke off and swam away during my encounter only to return a few minutes later. What they did I have no real honest idea but from the shit eating grins of the staff I can imagine. As I wrote in the previous post, the entire Discovery Cove pod was reported to be extremely "flirty" that morning.

There are two segments to the second lesson I learned, one is that I will be joining the Hair Club for Men this Father's Day and the other is that after this post I will very rarely post my picture again.

The third lesson I learned was that never talk politics while on vacation when other might hear. Wiggles and I met a very nice liberal lady from Massachusetts who upon learning she and I were South Carolina wanted some sort of explanation of the strange behavior of people from the Palmetto state. For fifteen minutes I tried my best to explain some of the history, the politicians, and bad habits of South Carolina and ended up lost myself and just blaming all the craziness on the state's drinking water and how many babies use to be dropped on their heads during birth.

The only issue was when fellow denizen of South Carolinian, who happened to be nearby, chimed in declaring it wasn't drinking water or babies being dropped on their heads but the strange condition of nearly vertical family trees that happened to be common in the state. None of this was amusing to a family from Texas whose senior member was wearing a "Don't tread on me" pin on his neatly ironed polo shirt with highly starched khaki pants and stylish loafers. They quickly left the area to us sorry ass commie socialists.

Puzzled that two South Carolina liberals should accidentally find themselves on vacation at the same place and time my fellow criminal in wealth redistribution and social justice and I pondered timing our trips so the liberal population of the state would not fall so much in future. Oh yeah about the picture, that is me with a republican buddy I met while at one of the outlet malls Dragonwife forced me to visit.

A smaller lesson learned is that even when my wife cuts up her credit card before vacation so she would not spend any money leaving mine in one piece and active defeats the whole purpose of destroying hers. Plus, it ruins my whole day having to essentially follow her around in places I hate while in a good mood.

The final lesson learned is to always make the bartender your friend. While sitting around the pool all day viewing all manner of scantily-clad MILFs when the crowds start rushing back to the resort after a hot day in the parks making the bartender your friend assures that she will fill your request first as opposed to weary moms and dads tired of Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and those damn Disney chipmunks, Chip and Dale.

That's about it for now, can't promise I will not post more pictures but at least they will not be of me.


Teeluck said...

Hair? you have hair? lol

MadMike said...

Oh man!!! I would love to swim with a dolphin. As to the hair why worry about it? I still have mine but it is just starting to gray so I think I might shave it all off so I will look a big, bald fat guy :-) This was your usual fun read my friend.

Teeluck said...

Hey when you get back, check out MMA they have a new fiction writer's page that is just up your alley...ass lol

Liberality said...

First, things first: Welcome back to the real world. Second, my son, only 21 years of age, has a receding hairline that ticks him off. My husband, his father, and his grandfather both have hair although the hairline is a bit higher. He blames me for his problems because balding is inherited from the mother's side of the DNA code I guess. But what I tell him is that any GOOD woman will not care about his receding hairline one whit. It's a test I tell him. Any bimbo who cares is not worth knowing. You, I am sure, already know this is true, right? :)

Gwendolyn H. Barry said...

Well, I still think you're cute... it's probably that I think you have a surfboard in the garage tho... WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE...!!!!! You are only now learning that making the bartender your friend is a life priority? OMG, Beach.... we need to talk! and honey, put my son, the one with the slappy tail, down. Gator's belong to crackers baby. LYFAO u know I'm giving you a laugh, right?

Looks like ya had some fun. Did find any waves?

tnlib said...

I've always heard you shouldn't discuss sex, religion or politics - which pretty much kills any conversation.

sunshine said...

You look great. Don't worry about the hair. I actually think that bald men are VERY sexy so, there!
Don't even think about giving any hair club or stupid products that promise crap a nickle of your money. You're a hottie!!!

Swimming with that thing.. dolphin whatever it was, looks like fun. :) I'm not big on the water but, I'd watch and clap for sure! :)

I never talk about politics. Firstly because I don't know what the heck I'm talking about and secondly because it's boring!

I'm sorry that it didn't work out between you and the dolphin but, I'm very glad that you are back with us again. :)

((Hugs)) *with a welcome home titty press*

Pixel Peeper said...

Yeah, what sunshine said - hair is highly overrated.

And you mean to say there were two or possibly more liberals left in SC after we moved away???

Sounds like you had a wonderful vacation!

Teeluck said...

Shit! after reading all the comments I forgot what I came to tell you, lol. Oh well, I'll go have a drink...or three til I remember.

Beach Bum said...

Teeluck: Actually I have just enough hair left to look like a complete idiot if it gets slightly messed up but not enough to really matter.

Madmike: My biggest disappointment with my hair comes from how sudden it fell off. Up until my late 30's I thought I had escaped the fate of my dad and youngest brother who both lost their hair in their late 20's. Personally I blame my wife but don't tell her that.

Liberality: Now that is the same issue I have, like I mentioned above my dad lost his hair but everyone on my mom's side of the family kept theirs. I have warned my son about this situation, he has a full head of hair but he is only listening to his mom speak about how the men in her family have always kept their hair.

Gwen: I brain farted about what I wanted to write about the bar and went for something easy to finish the post.

I liked the little gator, he was cool but I knew he would have tried to bite me ina skinny minute.

Tnlib: Actually had fun talking with the fellow SC liberal and the nice lady from New England. The guy from Texas had a stick up his butt.

Sunshine: The dolphins were cool to say the least. Always wanted to get close and see if I felt any awareness and I believe I did but it wasn't anything like us humans.

Just joking about the Hair Club, much too expensive.

Pixel: We SC liberals are like Bigfoot, rarely seen and nearly myths.

Teeluck: No worries, you know where to find me.

TomCat said...

Welcome home, Beach. What fun!

With those vertical family trees is the correct appellation for one's father "Uncle Daddy"?

David Barber said...

And here's me thinking that I communicate with the man in the photo, top left. :-)

Nice to have you back and really pleased you had a great time.

Beach Bum said...

Tomcat: Absolutely!!! Kissing cousins is another prime example and just a few decades ago was very common which I guess would be an example of a tree limb growing back into the main trunk.

David: Going through vacation decompression, keep expecting to walk outside the back door and see Orlando or Vero Beach. When I realize I'm back in suburban Hell it a big let down.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Double b, when you tried to explain to that MA lady the inner-workings of South Carolina politics, was that conversation before.....or after the Alvin Greene Democratic primary victory? LOL.....15 minutes on that alone no doubt would have done you in.

PENolan said...

I have made it a point to befriend the bartender immediately upon arrival anywhere - although the concierge is also important.

rainboy said...

never talk politics hahaha I totally agree :P

Beach Bum said...

Will: Some serious skulduggery on that Alvin Greene deal, but I did not know about this story until after I talked with that lady.

PENolan: That segment was a brain fart on my part, meant to write about a non-alcoholic drink that I tried with a little tequila. Tried the regular virgin type a few hours earlier with my daughter having some. She grabbed the drink containing the alcohol off the bar after it was made and ran off with me realizing a little too late. I stopped her before she actually drank any but it looked so weird to me but the bartender laughed and said it has happened before.

Rainboy: Its a lesson I never learn, but the lady was nice.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

The sad thing, double b, he's (Greene) still probably better than DeMint. An orangutan would be better than DeMint.

Randal Graves said...

You know, every time you go somewhere that's flush with MILFs, you never post any of pictures of them. If they start acting worried that you're a creepy perv, as all us aging dudes are, tell them you work for the Travel Channel.

TomCat said...

Maybe that's wgy the GOP is devolving.

Rhiannon said...

Looks like you had a lot of fun riding on one of our delightful dolphins of mother earth. I am always so sorry to read that your wife irritates the heck out of you so much. Maybe some therapy counseling is due? You just never know.

Hope the dolphins on the gulf coast are surviving this horrendous oil spill!! SO so sad.


Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Hey, how 'bout a debate between Greene and Sharon Angle? I personally would pay BIG money to see that one.

Beach Bum said...

Will: The Amazing Mr. Greene and his incredible campaign against DeMint is something I'm just giggling about. South Carolina politics and voters occupy a whole other reality as compared to the rest of the country. If you ever get down here we will have to meet and drink some beers for me to explain because there is crazy stuff that never made the news that will blow your mind.

Randal: You make a very good point my friend, I did take a few MILF pictures and will have to post them on Facebook. This blog is family friendly.

Tomcat: The GOP has largely devolved back down to a virus already, its hard to see how they can go back further.

Rhia: No worries about the marriage, just one of those things.

Will: Honestly the whole situation gives me nightmares.

Distributorcap said...

i find that on vacation, talking to the lizards is usually the safest conversation.

and tipping the bartender

lime said...

dude, you have way more follicular activity on your noggin than my husband does. don't fret. you look so happy in the picture with jenny. that's the best part of the picture.

firneds with the bartender, good advice ;)