Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Semi-redneck Neandertral Parrothead Rental Cinema

Screaming in from the outer reaches of interstellar space is a meme from that great American Randal Graves asking me about the movies I have rented recently from the local Blockbuster. No, despite my best efforts with the wife we haven't joined Netflix yet and probably never will until someone completely disconnected from the family, usually someone at work, brags about it to her in which she will then fly home at ludicrous speed and sign us up for the most expensive plan saying I should have said something about it earlier. Never the less, then will have a bunch of movies sitting around that will go unwatched instead of the two or three we rent from Blockbuster on the weekend gathering dust next the television until we get the call from the corporate Big Brother saying we will have surrendered custody of our children and bought the movies if we don't return them in the next twenty minutes.

However, the request about the movies I do end up watching is simple enough but as with anything I do there are complications. The first one being is that I will have to eliminate all the porn I watch. But its free on the internet so it doesn't count anyway. Second is that going to Blockbuster for me is about on par with going to the dentist. There seems to be some law of nature that whenever I pull into the Blockbuster parking lot the place is rushed by all manner of sub-human redneck and suburban drones.

The rednecks are usually dragging six or seven wild eyed kids behind them with an chimp-like ruckus being raised upon finding the latest mad slasher film with the deranged killer on the DVD case often bearing a strong family resemblance to those renting the film. Funny thing about the rednecks, "Deliverance" is very often pointed at and chuckled about as they walk by on the shelf.

On a digressive side note my wife and I often debate my actual standing in the redneck community. She assures me, with her Old Virginia air of superiority and education, that I am far from one who should be casting any such stones concerning such things as breeding and social conventions. Usually when she gets that way I start picking my nose and flicking the buggers out the car, then she calls me a "neanderthal" but I can live with that.

The suburban drones buzz through the aisles looking for the latest film just out on DVD shepherding their 2.5 children. The .5 is the suburban drone still in the larvae stage. The drones often congregate at the return box waiting for the nerdy clerk to organize the DVD's inside. Trying to pass the time waiting with them with small talk is general a impossible task. With only slightly exposed antenna they sniff you for evangelical church hive identification. If said person waiting with them can't positively be identified as a member in good standing at one of the finer houses of worship at best you are ignored, at worst your head is bitten off and your body is expelled from the store with on-duty drones dragging it back to their church hive to be used to feed the other, younger larvae.

After navigating the dangers of the aisles ending up at the checkout counter is an adventure all to itself. Behind the counter is usually some zit popping teenager who will stare at you for several minutes not saying a word. I'd like to say that said teenager is more evolved than me and is sending a telepathic message wanting to carry on the entire rental transaction by a high bandwidth ESP data exchange but at some point the mental fog will clear and the teenager will suddenly see me and begin the procedure to rent me my movies. The other possible check out clerk is the obnoxious guy who in the space of the time it takes the debit card to run through will tell me everything about the movie, even the ending and think he has done me a service.

I would let my wife just go but then she would come home with an arm full of estrogen-rich chick flicks leaving me in a Jane Austen inspired hell. No hate mail please, I seen every recent Jane Austen remake recently, actually likeing them, and sat through the entire movie "Age of Innocence" because my son was entertaining his friends upstairs. So I should get some credit for that.

Okay enough of my raging drivel, here are my most recently rented and viewed movies. Sorry, I have to adapt the meme just a little since to movies I have on hand because as I stated above going to Blockbuster ain't fun.

  1. The Happening: M Night Shyamalan movie about plants conspiring to bring humans down a couple of notches by causing them to commit suicide. What can I say? I like end-of-the-world disaster flicks.
  2. The Great Escape: Truly a great guy flick that has Allied servicemen trying to escape from a German POW camp. DUH! But honestly I love this movie.
  3. I am Legend: End of the world and pseudo-zombies that is a winner any day in my book.
  4. Forrest Gump: Seriously, its a great movie and it was filmed in South Carolina. "Stupid is as stupid does", damn George Bush missed his true destiny. He was Gump without even trying.
  5. Harold and Kumar-Escape from Guantanamo Bay: Laughed my ass off, and I was drunk. Been drinking wine lately and I had a bottle of some Australian red that knocked my socks off while watching the movie.
  6. Wall-e: Okay, if you watch this movie and don't want to immediately go out and plant a tree and hug your toaster you have no soul.
  7. Red Dawn: A totally ass kicking movie that has godless commies invading the United States and being fought off by American high school kids. Okay, total fantasy I know, if we were invaded Mr. and Mrs. Middleclass would collectively somehow send their pericious children off to Canada to college. Fighting America's wars is for the working and lower classes.
  8. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Loved the movie, I was so deep in the story I never noticed the time. And while she ain't my first pick Cate Blanchett is so doable. I know that was an extremely sexist thing to write but she is hot.
  9. Quantum of Solace: What can I say? Bond gets the girl, kills the bad guys in exotic places, pisses "M" off, kills more bad guys, gets the girl. I actually didn't care for this movie.
  10. Endless Summer: Surfing documentary made in the 60's about two guys traveling the world surfing in places sometimes far removed from the screwed up hand of man. Out of all the movies I have ever watched this one is by far the best.


Randal Graves said...

The odds of me ever renting a flick from a Carolina Blockbuster is low, but what a fascinating slice of creepy Americana that I'm curious to see. Of course, since you have to actually deal with such lunacy, maybe Netflix IS the way to go. Do it for the sake of your sanity.

The Great Escape is probably my favorite war flick of all time. (Patton is damn good too) And don't worry, this fellow pig has your back, Cate Blanchett is a babe.

Malicious Intent said...

Sounds like our local 7-Eleven.

and..thanks for the movie reviews...was wondering about Benjamin Button...will try it now.

Watch out fer them drones! Especially them half baked .5's.

Gonna stay north of the mason dixon line, which does run through my state. This makes us neither north or south, just f'n confused. But after reading the hazards of you just renting a moving down there, I feel better now.

Beach Bum said...

Randal: You think what I wrote about a local Blockbuster is wild, one day I might wrote about a 2:00am trip to Wal-Mart. Zombies are REAL dude.

Malicious Intent: As Jimmy Buffett once said: "that's my story and I'm sticking to it." I find humanity in general far stranger than anything even the most imaginative science fiction write could ever dream up.

Like I said to Randal, renting a movie is a walk in the park compared to a late night run to Wal-Mart.

lime said...

i can't even remember the last time i rented a movie (also not on netflix either)

Suzan said...

How could this be so?

She assures me, with her Old Virginia air of superiority and education, that I am far from one who should be casting any such stones concerning such things as breeding and social conventions.

I don't agree at all.

Southern nonredneck,


Marja said...

We actually hardly rent a movie Probably I spent to much time on the computer to watch movies. Now it is winter here there are more good movies on TV. I like forest gump too One of the few I saw twice

rabbit said...

dude,watch REVOLVER.
trust me u'll thank me.

liked the post.have seen all of them.
good taste here

sunshine said...

OMG B.B.! You liked The Happening??
I think that the best part for me was when the guy got run over by the lawnmower. M.Knight IMO was a one hit wonder.
Benjamin Button was pretty good. I thought it a tad long but I did see it at the show. A Curious Case of Numb Bum was setting in.
Loved I am Legend. I really like Will Smith though. Have you seen 7 Pounds yet? Laura loved it!
Forrest Gump. Anybody that doesn't like that movie should be taken out back and shot.
With the exception of The Happening I think that I like everything you've seen. :)

Beach Bum said...

Lime: For us there is a good possibility that any movie we rent will for some reason not be watched. Usually it involves some issue with the kids that interrupts us for a couple of hours. After Wiggles has returned to bed or Spoilboy was picked up or dropped off at a friends house its too late to start a movie. Sundays suck for watching anything because of even more interruptions and the movie or movies end up sitting next the DVD player.

Suzan: Thank you so much but I actually have some fun with my in-laws who collectively view me as some sort of knuckle dragging redneck neanderthal. I find them hugely boring and pretentious so when we are around them and they want to go do something I'm able to skip whatever activity they have planned and kick back and relax.

Marja: One of the best times I ever had was at my youngest brother's house watching Forrest Gump. It was a very rainy Sunday afternoon, cold dark and grey. We had spent the weekend with him and his wife and the previous day we had cooked out, drank beer, and told stories about old family adventures. Time was coming for my kids and I to return home that Sunday afternoon but the comfort of the company, warmth of the house, and the story of Forrest Gump sapped any strength I had for driving.

As the years passed for Forrest I felt myself remembering what the family had went through those same years and how much I thought those times were somehow better than what we were going through now.

Rabbit: I will definitely catch Revolver.

Sunshine: Yeah, call it a personal character fault of extreme dimensions but I've liked most of his stuff except "The Sixth Sense". Frankly, I loved "Signs" even though it was more silly than a comic book movie. I like that sense of impending danger and possible extinction.

On a more serious note while I don't have supplies stored away for the end of the world I find myself wondering at times when something might jump up and bite us on the ass. About two years I was recruited by the hospital I work for to get a ham radio license. A ham station was going to be setup so if internet, cell, and land line communications failed the hospital would be able to talk with someone, who that might be if all other forms of communication failed I have no idea.

sunshine said...

Now that I think about it, I liked Signs too. The only problem I had with it was that they showed the aliens. If they hadn't of shown them full blown right there.. I would have had more respect for the movie.

I'm always hearing that we should have enough provisions stored up for at least 72 hours. I've got 4 kids.. if my food lasts a day I feel good. It does worry me every so often though. Wondering what would happen to us if something big did occur and we didn't have any supplies..

sunshine said...

Thanks for following me! I'll add you to my list as well.

Vigilante said...

Un-Paid Advertisement follows:

Beach, you're a reasonable man, so I'll put this out logically enough for some of your less logical readers (present commentators excluded). Which seems to you to be the most practical?

1. Watch 1st-run features at your local theater? (High prices, no talking during film, no beer or bathroom breaks, transportation expenditure in terms of gas and time.)

2. Rent at Blockbuster? (All of the unpleasantness which you describe above, plus two trips to the rentals to get the DVD's and to return them.)

3. Rent from NetFlix? (Trips back and forth to your mailbox and no late fees.)

So what's your call, Beach?

The Zombieslayer said...

I take pride in being a redneck (no, you don't have to be white to be a redneck, it's a mentality).

I Am Legend - 'Twas ok.

Forrest Gump - An ok movie, just overhyped and overrated. Enjoyable, but by no means a great film. And yeah, we elected Forrest Gump. Twice.

Wall-e - An ugly film, but enjoyable.

Love what you said about Red Dawn. Never saw it, but what you said is true.

And yes, Cate Blanchett is hot.

For Quantum of Solace, haven't hated a movie this much in years. My review is here. Warning, contains lots of foul language, but it was a foul movie that should have never been made.

MadMike said...

I liked all but 5, 7, 9 and 10. BTW BB. Watch that wine. It will get ya. I prefer Scotch, which will also get ya, but in a more gentle way if you catch my meaning.

I agree with Vigil but I still rent from the local video store. I have the no late fee, three movies at a time plan. I invariably rent Blu-Ray.

I am also a big theater goer especially for the action flicks like Star Trek, I am Legend, X-Men, and etc. I enjoy those movies that help me forget that I am living in the 21st Century:-)

Beach Bum said...

Sunshine: One of my favorite scenes in "Signs" is seeing Mel's character open up the door and seeing his children and brother wearing tin foil hats. The absurdity of it stroke me oddly and I was almost thrown out the theater. I agree with what you wrote about the aliens, if they had never been seen it would have held more mystery.

Vigil: The mad mistress of the house makes final decisions over such items and I have little input. Say what you will but past experience has taught me that when dealing with my wife and her family it is better to let them learn something on their own.

Although I still prefer to go to the theater for a real movie experience.

'Slayer: Have to make a distinction between rednecks. As with any group a spectrum exists with an extreme on one end in this case. Frankly I've met some people that are rednecks that proverbially have more smarts than a lot of college types. One fellow and his family lives simply in a small but respectable house with his interests leaning heavily on the outdoors with hunting and fishing. He buys nothing on credit cards and calls most political types, both left and right, things that I really don't feel like repeating. His personal bent on issues does not follow any ideology and comes with some surprising and unexpected twists.

Then again their are the rednecks I wrote about in this post which much to my dismay follow very closely to my description.

Out of all the recent movies I rented "Quantum of Solace" was a huge disappointment. I personally liked the last Bond film and had high hopes for the Craig's new one.

MadMike: Some how I saw you liking "Endless Summer", don't know why though. I enjoy actions flicks myself but I tend to shy away from comic book movies. Its that way in books as well. It bugs the Hell out of me to see all the video game and comic book novels flooding the shelves.

Keshi said...

I hv seen most of em..some good picks there BB :)

**Cate Blanchett is so doable



MadMike said...

I don't like the comic book thing either BB. I never saw Endless Summer, perhaps because the premise didn't appeal to me. I will rent it however, based on your recommendation.

sunshine said...

Hey!!! I look great on your side bar!LOL Thanks so much. You look pretty awesome on mine too! :)

Just popping in to say thank you for your great comment. I really appreciate the time and thought that you put into it. And it's good to know that I'm not the only one too slow on the uptake to deal with people like her. LOL (I'm one of those that .."later that night"... thinks of the perfect response.) Truth is, I don't want to fight with her. If she was a half way decent person I wouldn't care about what she was doing. She's just such a bitch though... ;)

Sorry about your relationship with your Mum. Mother's can really screw their kids over. I hope that I'm doing okay by mine. It's just so hard to tell. I have 4 kids and all of them are different. I have to be so many things to all of them and it's tough. I guess I can only hope that they turn out okay!

Anyhow...I've rambled and I apologize. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the time and thought that you put into the comment. It helped. Really. :)
Take care!

Chef Cthulhu said...

Endless Summer ... FUCKIN' A!!!!

When I was young and single and living in Huntington Beach I'd watch Bruce Brown flicks all the time - still have all his classics on VHS, the only one I have on DVD is Endless Summer.

Endless Summer 2 is good, Step Into Liquid kicks ass, just can't get any better than vintage Bruce Brown. Wish there was a swell running. Wish I'd have the time to surf if there was...

Beach Bum said...

Keshi: Honestly you are a goddess compared to Cate.

MadMike: Give it a try, you might like it. For me its a look at a much larger and freer world on the good side. On the bad, well as you know far better than me how much a cesspool other parts of the planet were.

Sunshine: you wrote:
Anyhow...I've rambled and I apologize. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the time and thought that you put into the comment. It helped. Really. :)

Nothing to apologize about, I've written several times about my mom and you are always welcome here.

Chef Cthulhu: I love Bruce Brown movies to the extreme. The only one I have though is Endless Summer. Its one of those movies that is perfect on a rainy day when the house is quiet.

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