The Kitchen Appliance Dysfunction

When it comes to the institution of marriage there is something so basic and integral to its workings that it ranks right up there with death and taxes as one of life's certainties. Simply put, no matter how much a couple may love each other when they are apart and among friends they will gripe, moan, and outright bitch about the other. This griping is not some fault inherit to marriage, in fact it is a vital facet that I would bet money I did not have has actually prevented divorces for those couples who have some avenue to vent their frustrations.

We had just such a marital griping session at my work last week. Somehow through all of this the subject eventually drifted to clutter and how our respective wives refuse to throw anything away that somehow meet their definition of “useful” even though it might have sat unused on some shelf gathering dust for years. This is where my late night story to the guys comes into play.

While some wives loves to collect jewelry that is never worn or clothes that never leave a closet, my wife has a thing for counter top kitchen appliances that literally spend years sitting unused on some shelf gathering dust. Now if I was just talking about one of two unused kitchen appliances there would be no foundation to my griping. If I only had to deal with three or four of those items it would only be a minor inconvenience. No, my wife has a collection of six unused kitchen appliances. Even worse they are all oddly shaped so these items take up far more storage space than what they should.

The overwhelming response from my griping compatriots that night was that I should pick one or two of these devices and without saying a word to my wife take them to the junk pile. It seemed like a simple but yet brilliant plan. I immediately had one of her appliances in mind, it was one of those electric frier appliances that cooks up stuff like french fries, fish, and chicken. The reason for me targeting it first? While it is a counter top appliance it is larger than the rest of the items in her collection and was taking up space in the cabinet we originally bought to store can goods. Plus, while my brother-in-law gave it as a Christmas gift to my wife back in 1997 I believe the last time it was used was 2001. If you could have seen the layers of dust coating the thing you could not help but come away with the idea that my wife and plain forgotten about the damn thing.

So early last Saturday morning while the rest of the family was asleep I gathered up the trash, as well as the electric frier and dumped everything in their respective bins at the junk pile. It was a very liberating experience, and I immediately began making plans to get rid of another unused item the following weekend.

Fast forward to today, I come home from work this morning and discover my wife has decided to take the day off. After I get cleaned up we go out to IHOP for breakfast then go buy groceries. The rest of the day is spent relaxing but this afternoon we decide to cook hamburgers on the grill for dinner. About an hour before its time to fire up the grill I hear my wife in the garage making a hell of a noisy racket.

“What's up babe?” I ask slightly aghast at all her junk she has pulled out obviously looking for something. In response to my question she looks up at me and with a completely straight and innocent face asks, “Ron have you seen my electric frier? I want to have French Fries with the burgers tonight.”

If you don't hear from me again by the end of this month please call the authorities.