Managing my mid-life crisis

The male mid-life crisis is a difficult subject to bring up around some people since it exists primarily as a physiological condition. Yes, us guys have to deal with such things like an unwanted horizontal expansion at the waistline or an accelerated retreat of the hairline we at least can exercise to fight the growing bulge or buy medicinal remedies to battle an asymmetrical war to keep something fuzzy on our heads. No, this is something that affects guys on a far deeper level, see I will be honest here and write something that should be self-evident, adult males never really grow up. Society, our jobs, and more importantly our wives may say we have to behave and act dignified and responsible but deep down most of us would like nothing better than tell the established social order to kiss our asses and fly off on some juvenile adventure.

For some mid-life crisis suffering guys, adventure comes in the form of a fast sports car. The thrill of going down an open highway with the accelerator pushed to the floorboard brings back carefree teenage days when their highest priority was getting a cheerleader with big boobies into the backseat of his car. Speaking personally for myself, while at one time I did own, what was to me, a very special sports car I was far more into slowly cruising Ocean Boulevard of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina checking out the young ladies. For reasons I cannot really explain the second I went five miles over the speed limit every fat deputy sheriff and fanatical highway patrolman in Georgetown county would be on my tail flashing their blue lights. Anyone who has to pay car insurance would know speeding tickets have a way of severely cutting into a person’s spending money. Since spending money for me is a still a hard thing for me to come by, I still relish taking life slowly.

Other guys dealing their encroaching mortality choose to fling all decorum to the winds and hook up with a hot young lady who at the very minimum could be their daughters. These individuals are nearly always very rich and can deal with such things as vindictive ex-wives actively seeking revenge. Thankfully, I am immune, on many different levels, from ever having that sort of problem. The most obvious reason is that I am married to a wonderful lady who is a tax attorney with many friends in both state and county government along with several law enforcement officials. Hypothetically speaking if I ever got caught straying (I know a few of you all out there are laughing over that thought) my butt would not be worth a pile of cold cow manure.

The main purpose for this ambling collection of mental brain droppings is that I have recently found myself pondering my own mid-life crisis. The growing list of daily aches and pains that hint at real old age, the increasingly frantic pace of American life, and my steadfast hate of suburbia have pushed me more and more into dreaming about a way to escape from it all.

Fast cars and young women will remain strictly in the realm of fantasies unless I win the lotto and since I have not bought a ticket my odd of winning are even worse than they usually are. Even if I did win with my wife being an attorney, any winning would have to be signed over to her a nanosecond after I receive them. Leaving me to believe it might be best to for me to avoid the entire issue.

I could go the route of being a narcissistic asshole but there are a multitude of those types around these days that have raised the trait to such a high artistic level I willingly bow at their accomplishments. Plus, I am such an easy going and laid back guy I just do not have required energy to stay constant at it.

Recently this lack of mid-life crisis direction has begun to bother me, I can understand being a slacker with the more time consuming and boring avenues of life but even though my choices are limited, I cannot neglect this important part of my manhood. Thankfully, the answer up and slapped me aside the head a couple of days ago as I was brazenly wasting time surfing the internet.

I have often dreamed of buying a sailboat and catching a nice wind that will push me down to the Caribbean but the more logical part of my mind has always quickly reminded me I have absolutely no experience at the little things like navigating an ocean going craft. The lack of money to purchase and operate this hypothetical craft has also been a bit of a buzz kill on any plan to emulate my hero Jimmy Buffett. Despite my closely related wish to be a pirate they have had a lot of bad press lately so just taking the first sailboat I come across would not work.

What I have found is that if I lower my sights just a little I probably could manage a smaller, more affordable, sailboat that would allow me to putter around the intercoastal waterway that stretches from New Jersey down to Brownsville, Texas. Made up of bays, inlets, salt-water rivers, and sounds it allows a wannabe sailor like me to travel very close to the ocean without facing the full force of the whoop ass it can put on some silly fool in a small boat.

My ideal little sailboat appears to be one about eighteen to twenty-foot long that has a small cabin with a bunk inside where I could catch a nap. Like I have said, I am not looking to cross an ocean. Just a small sailboat I can putter around in during the day and if my frustration level begins to exceed my capacity to manage something that would allow me to find a quite cove, toss out an anchor, and forget about the rest of the world for a while. As I have perused the websites dedicated to the selling of used sailboats of the size I am now interested the prices can range well within something that is at least theoretically manageable.

Now there are a few obstacles that I will need to find a way around, first and foremost I have no experience or even basic knowledge of sailing. The local community college does offer a sailing course with lessons on a nearby lake so that does not appear to be a showstopper. Other small issues are the costs of marina fees, repairs, and upkeep for a sailboat that I would insist remain on the coast. Continued funding for those expenses are trickier since college is quickly approaching for my son as is braces for my daughter, which one of those will ultimately cost the most is up in the air right now.

A more esoteric problem might come from the lovely Dragonwife who even now thinks I waste too much time contemplating my bellybutton fuzz, the tragedy of empty beer bottles, and the eventual fate of the universe. I can imagine how she would react with me trying to slip away down to Charleston to go sailing while weeds in the lawn need cutting, shrubs need trimming; walls need painting, along with a thousand other chores that are always demanding my attention. On second thought, maybe buying a lotto ticket and hooking up with some nubile young babe ain’t such a bad idea after all.