Feeling like the bug that impacted the windshield

  With all due respect, to the former First Lady Nancy Reagan after this past week I wish the reason my brains felt like eggs frying on a hot skillet were because of drugs. Even now, there is serious debate going on in what few active brain cells I have left about the possibility of sending both my precious children to military boarding school.

  When you last heard from me, I was playing, largely unsuccessful, mediator in a titanic battle of wills between my lovely bride, Dragonwife, and my son, Darth Spoilboy. Since last Friday several deals, for both a new Kia and several used cars fell through for any number of reason you might be able to guess. As time went on though, the main issue became how Dragonwife and I wanted to go slow and look around for the “right” car figuring we could juggle the duties of driving him to and from work with the vehicles, we already own. However, the hormone-crazed teenage Spoilboy wanted something bought immediately and became increasingly aggravated with what he saw was our glacial pace.

  Both Dragonwife and Spoilboy heavily searched the internet all week looking for a car or truck that was dependable and at the right price but when the former would find something the latter would more than likely shoot it down. All I can say when that happened was thank God for the Carfax internet service. Because without a doubt everyone involved in this car buying quest had an extensive re-education in the fact that private citizens selling some sort of car or truck on their own could lie with professional grade level making the ubiquitous used car salesman green with envy.

  For example, last Thursday an individual listed a nice looking Ford F-150 truck on Craig’s List that upon discovery by both Spoilboy and Dragonwife curled their toes with glee. For Spoilboy it was the appearance of the truck and the reasonable price. Dragonwife on the other hand liked the low mileage and the fact that its purchase would turn both Spoilboy and me into suburban yard working serfs for all eternity.

  Yes, I had more than a small interest in shooting this deal down but by this time I was near mental collapse and just wanted this torture over and done. Luckily, for me the Carfax report showed over twice the listed mileage the owner stated and a couple of accidents he completely forgot to tell us about, which shot down the deal. Spoilboy had jumped the gun a little and had already arranged a meeting with this person at a halfway point between our respective locations. Upon reading the Carfax report for some reason neither Dragonwife, Spoilboy nor myself remember to call this guy back and cancel the meeting. Ooops, I hope the shit did not wait very long at the Applebees we were supposed to meet.

  Now you may be wondering that if this is the worst things got why I am whining more than usual? Thank you good sir or madam, I will gladly tell you what sent this week into an abyss of despair.

  Sometime Wednesday evening I heard a loud and very shrill scream from the upstairs family room. Dragonwife is currently involved in an extensive E-bay selling frenzy and while reviewing her Pay-Pal account discovered over two-hundred and fifty dollars in charges from a weird social networking website catering to little girls. In short, Darth Wiggles completely without our permission reactivated her membership in this site and accidentally or on purpose ran up those charges. Dragonwife and I went through this once before with her and after getting the charges withdrawn by the company setup several internet blocks to prevent her from even mistakenly navigating back to that website.

  I am no expert but I am still trying to figure out how she did it. The blocks I setup were extensions offered by internet browsers we use on the family computers. One of my buddies, far more knowledgeable in this stuff than me, has suggested some internet companies willfully attempt to undermine the type of website blocks I used and that I should go out and purchase software dedicated to the job.

  The second issue unrelated to the purchase of a car for Spoilboy involves his girlfriend. If you look up the definition of “clingy” in the dictionary, you will see a picture of this young woman beside the word. Frankly, she has bothered me for a long time with her incessant talking and ability to bend Spoilboy to her whims. Several times, I have had to remind my son that before he makes any plans with his girlfriend he is to confer with his mother or me first. However, over the last few months Spoilboy’s girlfriend has felt the need to show up at our house very early in the morning on the weekends and hang out with him all day. This has gone way beyond the normal range of visits in both number and durations forcing my wife and I to put a limit on the time they spend together.

  Everything finally came to a head Friday when I learned Girlfriend had an issue with Darth Wiggles hanging out with them in the family room upstairs. Somehow, she felt that a public area in our house could be reserved for the sole use of the two lovebirds while Dragonwife, Wiggles, of me were restricted downstairs. My son Darth Spoilboy was not ready for my volcanic eruption and the news that if I got any hint she was mistreating Wiggles in even the smallest way they would never see each other again. I also gave the Spoilboy today to break the news to her they were only going to see each other two days a week outside of high school. It is my hope that once Spoilboy is fully engaged in his part-time job and working to keep his grades up that the two will drift apart.

  Now as Saturday closes hopefully the worst is over. While it may seem we went around our elbows to get to our thumbs, early this afternoon we bought a 2012 Kia Rio. Much to my surprise it looks like I will be driving the Rio since it is far better on gas mileage that either the Toyota Corolla or the Honda CRV. As much as Spoilboy hates it, he is now the “owner” of the Honda CRV, the breaking point came after we looked at one of his beloved Jeep Cherokees. Once again, the Carfax report showed huge issues with the car that the used car dealer did not want to discuss.

  Dragonwife showing her ability to scare the living Hell out of any salesman and wheeled and dealed a Rio with several exceptional nice bells and whistles at a damn good price, one of them being an extended subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio. Yes, I have already preset Radio Margaritaville on the radio along with my usual NPR stations.

  In closing, I am now sitting at the patio table on my backyard deck nursing my fifth Landshark Lager. The four empties are standing guard along the rail as I look out at my fine collection of weeds sprouting from my much-abused lawn. It is my sincere hope that things begin to unwind around here and become less complicated. If not, at some point I can feel a road trip down to Cocoa Beach, Florida coming on and once I get down there I am sure the siren of call of Key West might become overwhelming.

Not that anyone wants to know but yes, that is what I looked like this morning, and secondly, screw Newty.