Saturday, December 24, 2011

Ah, it's Christmas again dammit


My nifty tradition of going on a rabid-like rant about the putrid and undead nature of hyper-commercialized Christmas has fallen flat this year. I guess the blame rests with how my wife talked me into standing in a long and godforsaken line outside of Best Buy Thanksgiving evening from nine o'clock to freaking two o'clock in the morning. The reason for me joining her that cold night was because the Best Buy account is in my name and we were very quickly approaching the end-of-life moment for our seventeen-year old refrigerator.

See, I like the milk with my Chips Ahoy cookies very cold and the old Amana model we inherited from the previous owners of the house we now live was having a hard time keeping a constant temperature. Throw in the door handles that were loose and cracked, a freezer that produced enough frost to create a glacier forcing us to defrost about every two weeks, and even a Bachmann supporter would have had enough sense to know it was time to buy a new one.

 Long story short, once we got inside the store the last thing in the world on our minds was buying a refrigerator. For me it became a matter of surviving the consumerist zombie hordes and for my wife it became about a laptop, X-box video games, and an iPod. The Best Buy staff was very professional and friendly but they had their hands full dealing with the untamed mob. I personally would have blasted a couple of rounds into the ceiling from a Mossberg 500 riot shotgun with a tactical stock to calm down their shark-like feeding frenzy nature.Yeah, that was my Christmas wish list but Santa did not go for it despite my warnings of the pending 2012 doomsday.

Afterwards, I felt soiled and corrupted walking out the store with all that booty. Since then my usual outrage at the banal nature of all the luxury car, jewelry, and cell phone television commercials filled with an overabundance of rich and beautiful white people has been dulled.

Thankfully, my spirits might soon be revived with the family leaving for a vacation the day after Christmas. While it will not be a Caribbean cruise or a trip down to my beloved Key West, it will be a Disney vacation with a visit to Discovery Cove, Busch Gardens Tampa, and if the fates allow a swim with manatees. Excessive amounts of travel-related pictures are soon to follow with me doing all the stupid stuff that is sure to bore the living Hell out of everyone. Until then there is one holiday I do enjoy, and I wish everyone a Happy Festivus! Please feel free to state your Festivus annual list of grievances in the comments.


 

16 comments:

Doc Häagen-Dazs said...

Loved the carols from the Carribean, Beach! Where I want to be, in mind and spirit, 24/7/52/365!

Doc Häagen-Dazs said...

And body!

Windsmoke. said...

Merry Christmas to you and your family :-).

Beach Bum said...

Doc: Orlando will have to serve for me this year.

Windsmoke: Thanks!

Sue H said...

Merry Christmas, BB!
Despite the commercialism, I'm hoping our celebrations will be mainly about spending time with the people I love - an all-too-rare commodity these days!
Hope 2012 turns out better than you'd expect :-)

Pixel Peeper said...

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Manatees? In Apollo Beach or in Crystal River? Either place is a great choice!

MRMacrum said...

Glad to see you are enjoying the Holidays.

Ho

Beach Bum said...

Sue: I do too. This year, with a few exceptions, has pretty much sucked.

Pixel: We are going to wait and see what the situation is like with the manatees when we get there. I'm just looking forward to getting out of town.

Beach Bum said...

Mike Crum: Will be enjoying it a whole lot more once I am setting at some pool-side bar.

Mr. Charleston said...

Good Grief BB! Disney World and Busch Gardens?? It's more relaxing at Best Buy. :) While in Tampa, check out the aquarium, it's really nice.

Leslie Parsley said...

I hope you share your adventures with us. Wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas.

Life As I Know It Now said...

Well I've yet to sully myself with Black Friday shenanigans so I do feel for you there.

My biggest pet peeve is how everything, and I mean everything anymore is an electronic gadget! What the hell people! Suppose the power goes out, what the hell are you gonna do then!?!

Okay, that's my grievance. Loved the cartoon, very apt indeed.

Have a happy holiday and an even nicer vacation. :)

Cloudia said...

Festivus for the restuvus!



Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >

><}}(°>

Randal Graves said...

At least you can rest easy that once doomsday does come, your corpse, not theirs, will be the one nelsonmuntzing.

Akelamalu said...

So did you get a new fridge/freezer or what?

Looking forward to seeing your vacation photos.

lime said...

oh lord have mercy, you deserve a medal for braving black friday and not killing anyone. really, one reason i stay home is to avoid prison after i loose my mind with the zombies.