Friday, August 20, 2010

Man's Best Friend

The sound of items crashing to the floor woke Michael from a deep alcohol induced sleep. Looking around his apartment a small kernel of panic developed when he saw that the top of his nightstand was cleaned off with his alarm clock, several books, and the television remote scattered about the floor.

However his concern centered on the box containing the engagement ring he was suppose to give to his girlfriend, Lisa, later that morning. It was nowhere to be seen, amongst the items forcing him to quickly jump out of bed and crawl around the floor looking for it. While Michael was under his bed looking for the ring box he looked back and saw his Black Labrador Retriever, Murphy, lying on top of his briefcase with a very strange look on his face.

“Murphy,” Michael said looking at the dog, “you didn’t eat the ring box did you?”

“No,” the dog replied in English which astounded Michael. “But we have far greater concerns, my cover has been blown and you’re going to have to skip work today since I have to leave the planet.”

Still suffering the effects of yesterday’s small party with his buddies Michael reared up abruptly in surprise from his talking dog, smacking his head on the bottom of his headboard. Stars blinked about his field of vision as he felt a trickle of warm blood run down the side of his head. Not feeling quite in touch with reality Michael forgot about the ring and just laid on the floor.

“Dammit,” the dog said, “We don’t have time for this; my life is one the line here.” Murphy stood up and grabbed a chunk of Michael’s sweatpants with his mouth, pulling his owner from underneath the bed. “I swear to Dog in heaven if you don’t get a hold of yourself right now I will pee on your face.”

“Murphy old buddy,” Michael said smiling to himself while lying on the floor, “I must have had a great time last night because I swear to god I’m dreaming that you are talking to me.”

“Sit up!” Murphy barked with his owner astonished in his dog’s tone of authority and the fact that he sat up and froze in place. “Let’s get one thing clear dumbass; you think you have been writing all that cutting edge programming code? Well, you may be the one keying it in like a good monkey but it’s me that’s been feeding you the actual data. Now get dressed and I will fill you in on the life you thought you were living.

Able to move again but under some form of control Michael jumped up and began walking toward his closet fishing out a pair of jeans, polo shirt, and sneakers. Murphy followed and began giving details how it was Michael who was the pet while he was the intelligent owner.

Murphy explained that it all started 150 thousand years ago when his kind discovered Earth and the newly emergent Homo sapiens. Those ancient starfaring canines took pity on the barely sentient primates which looked like creatures they kept as pets on the home world. They conceived a plan to infiltrate human settlements and began to both raise human awareness and teach them neat tricks.

“Just how intelligent are we humans?” Michael asked while putting on his shirt.

“You remember ‘Forrest Gump’; well to us the best of you monkeys are under him.”

Murphy went on saying that it wasn’t only humans with stupid politicians. Certain conservative segments, called Pugicans on the home world thought raising human awareness was against the Great Dog in heaven’s plan and had been actively sabotaging efforts. Inside Michael’s briefcase was the final segment of a program that was to be released onto the internet and after it had invaded most computers would over the course of a few decades raise humanity to true sentience. Pugicans agents were looking to kill Murphy and use the obedience chip in Michael’s head to make him load a different program onto the internet that would have the opposite effect of Murphy’s.

“I have an obedience chip in me? And why does your species want to help us?” Michael asked feeling sick to his stomach.

“The chip has been standard procedure for centuries and we are helping you because we think you’re cute and for your opposable thumbs, telepathy can only do so much.” The dog said irritated with the passing time.

Murphy had to look normal in public and they walked away from the apartment building with the alien dog on a leash and Michael carrying his briefcase. They had to cross town quickly to rendezvous with Murphy’s starship and avoid Pugican agents looking for them. Their luck ran out next a tea shop where a party was spilling out into the streets. A blonde, long haired Russian Hound, backed up by a German shepherd and Doberman, appeared and soon surrounded them.

“Well Boulter you bitch, we meet again. I see you’re still working for your Pugican master Lush, has he ever gotten over his drug issues?” Murphy snarled.

The skinny blonde dog snickered. “Yes, and I see you still have some sick infatuation with the monkeys. Give me up the uplift program and I may let you smell my butt.”

“Not in a billion years you emaciated skank. Okay Bannity and Heck, let’s dance you pussies.” Murphy said as he and the two Pugican henchdogs began to circle each other.

“Quick Michael, open the briefcase and pull out the ring box and open it.” Murphy said as the overweight shepherd, Heck, lunged toward him.

Doing as he was told Michael pulled out the ring box and opened it, the diamond ring began to glow, emitting a shell of light that engulfed the four dogs and lone human. The effects from the ring were immediate, the blonde hound felt suddenly fat and ran off to puke; Heck felt a strong urge to cry and fell down weeping; the Doberman, Bannity, normally an outright coward became convinced someone was coming with a bucket of water and a board causing him to run away.

With their adversaries incapacitated Murphy and Michael ran for their lives.However they weren’t in the clear yet, a squadron of pigeons, allied with the Pugicans, appeared overhead and began diving bombing them with acid poop. Only the timely arrival of Murphy’s allies, the eagles Jon and Stephen, scared the feathered rats away saving them from a gooey death.

The starship, shaped like the Oscar Meyer wiener mobile, was waiting for Murphy next an abandoned baseball stadium. Both the alien dog and human had been together for years and were sad that their time was ending.

“Up about the uplift program?” Michael asked after finding out Murphy was taking it with him.

“The Pugicans will be on alert for any insertion onto the internet, I’m afraid it will have to wait a few years.”

Still not really believing all this Michael’s confusion turned to concern. “What about Lisa and me, will we be safe? Won’t the Pugicans try to capture me?”

“Not really,” Murphy said, “they only really wanted me but the safety device I inserted in the ring will protect both of you. Anyway another canine agent will be assigned to you quickly, if fact Michael I’m supposed to wipe your mind so you will forget everything but…”

Michael sat bolt upright in bed looking around his bedroom feeling like something was very wrong. But he was in his sweatpants, the engagement ring was on his nightstand, and Murphy was sleeping on his dog pillow in the corner, everything looked okay.

“Thank God it was a dream!” he said to himself with Murphy looking at him like he was crazy.

“Murphy, you wouldn’t believe the dream I just had, you were a talking alien dog with evil enemy dogs out to kill you and enslave humanity. I feel so tired, I’d better go back to sleep.” He finished laying his head back on the pillow

“Just don’t be late with the dog food dickhead, and the name is Rusty.” Michael heard from the corner, figuring it was for the best he ignored the talking dog.
Also, the concept of "uplift" is something thought up by Dr. David Brin, had to borrow the word for my silly collection of words.


Tim said...

My favorite
Cute story. I already know many a dog that's smarter than it's owner.

Liberality said...

It reminds me of The Hitchhiker's Guide and I like those eagles Jon and Stephen :~)

Beach Bum said...

Tim: I had a black lab once and I swear that dog read my mind. I am seriously out of ideas and just pulled this one from my butt, sort of sucks.

Liberality: Might rewrite this one but I wanted to write something that was not some damn epic. Jon and Stephen are the best news in teh country and they are not even trying.

TomCat said...

You made one mistake, Beach. It would be much more believable not to make a dawg the ET. We cats are more handsome, more intelligent, and we already have proved our ability to own humans. ;-)

Off topic, Congrats on your Bigmouth Award at PP.

sunshine said...

Great stuff! That was a lot of fun to read. :)


Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

I had a very similar dream, double b - only in my dream, the spaceship was shaped like a six pack.

Beach Bum said...

Tomcat: I almost used cats but it would have been too soon after that recent cat vs. dogs movie. Plus the Writer's Digest website prompt used dogs, truthfully I really need better ideas but I have none.

Sunshine: Thanks, I just wanted to write something.

Will: A six pack? That would have been a winner.

Tim said...

Back in the day, I did enough drugs to have dogs,cats and chairs talk to me. Nothing to be proud of,just the facts...

Distributorcap said...

my dog used to talk to me all the time. usually it was about food and walks, rarely about Sarah Palin or the dolts on the right

tho he did like me to use the National Review to pick up his poop

TomCat said...

Beach, my comment was mostly tongue-in-cheek. You did a great job... considering that you started with a dawg. ;-)

Teeluck said...

Good thing I was not eating while I read this, I would have choked while laughed! This was really good thinking, I was pleasantly surprised all the way!

Doc Häagen-Dazs said...

Beach, I know Dobies much better than I know the clowns on clusterfux news, so I have to say Bannity is no Doberman.

Beach Bum said...

Tim and DCap: I think Spock the Cat here at house tries to talk to me, especially when he drags his empty food bowl into the kitchen.

Tomcat: I knew ;) But truthfully Spock the Cat watches me very closely so I figure I need to stay on his good side.

Teeluck: If you think that is funny I might post a serious story that I finished but after reading it think it is the silliest damn thing in the world.

Doc: I agree, but in reality "Bannity" and "Heck" are two molds that you find living in the bottom of your garbage disposal or in the drain of a sink, neither would have worked for the story.

TomCat said...

That's true. Cats tend to be very possessive of their human property. Tell Spock 'Live long and prosper' for me.

TRUTH 101 said...

"I swear to Dog in Heaven." That reminded me of one of the nuns when i was in grade school. My friend Benny was dyslexic. We were practicing the Profession of Faith and he said "We believe in one Dog..."

The nun beat the shit out of him. I said "Sister. Stop. Benny's dyslexic." She then beat the shit out of me to for saying what she thought was a bad word.

Beach Bum said...

Tomcat: Spock the Cat will certainly live a lot longer if he stops biting my toes while I try to sleep.

Truth: Only met a couple of nuns in my life but they were freaky and messed up chicks. One lady, hardly more than a girl actually, seemed a lot like the nun you mentioned.

Marja said...

Lol loved that story These dogs could easily star in "Dog of the rings" You have an great imagination BB Have a great day

Teresa said...

We were practicing the Profession of Faith and he said "We believe in one Dog..."

The nun beat the shit out of him. I said "Sister. Stop. Benny's dyslexic." She then beat the shit out of me to for saying what she thought was a bad word.


Beach you could do a story about these two boys and their antics.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

I forgot to tell you, double b. That spaceship that was shaped like a 6-pack, they were kingers - 16-pounders, if you will. I apologize for leaving out that most critical/interesting of details.

Middle Ditch said...

I swear to Dog in heaven .......... Another wonderful extract. BB, if you are interested, my friend Ruela made an animated version of MD 47. It's absolutely wonderful and very strange to see faces with the words. The link is in the comment box of MD 47 and also in 48.

gringo jack said...

Hey, boss. I got to sign out of the blog world, for security reasons. I'll be following along, out here in cyberspace. Keep on chooglin'....

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Chasin' down a hoodoo there....chasin' down a hoodoo there....Hey, what can I say, Creedence is contagious.