Friday, February 15, 2008

Not again...

I have to apologize to those who read my blog about my latest absence but events have once again overtaken my family and quite frankly I have found myself overwhelmed and lost to a great extent. Several times recently I have sat down at my computer to make comments at other sites and begin a new post entry on my site but I have found myself after many minutes staring at a screen unable to think of anything to write or much less summon the energy to type. Simply put, my uncle who I have given the name "Uncle Paul" to in my posts passed away last Saturday morning. In the course of twelve to thirteen months my family and I have lost my grandmother, my mom, and now Uncle Paul. It was not my intention to report this event chiefly because I just didn't want to write anything like this again. But I have found myself unable to "bounce back" like I had after the passing of my grandmother and mother. My grandmother's quality of life had deteriorated greatly over her last couple of years requiring almost twenty-four hour nursing care at the facility she was living at. While I miss her greatly even now please don't miss understand me when I write that she mostly talked about looking forward to seeing my grandfather again during those times she knew where she was at. I feel she is now in a better place free of the problems and concerns that plagued her in the last few years and along side my grandfather, probably sitting side-by-side next some river fishing. My mother greatly abused her health for years refusing to alter her behavior even after repeated warnings from her doctors that she was putting herself in an early grave. I made my peace with her and her behavior accepting the reality of her choices. That doesn't mean I miss her any less, it's just some things can't be changed no matter how many people endeavor to try. Their passing shook my family and me but there was a certain acceptance of the events due to the nature of their ages and health that made it, in some regards, easier to come to grips with sooner. My Uncle Paul's passing has been far more devastating for the whole family and a private hell for his wife Lady Einstein and their son, Neo.

Uncle Paul's health was far from perfect, he had been fighting a "mild" form of cancer for many years that while under control from chemotherapy never went into a full remission. Even though undergoing the grueling treatments there were several times I saw him up and about living a normal life just one or two days after the end of a session. For many in the family we had gotten to the point of overlooking what he was going through since whenever we saw him he did his best to not to show the toll it was taking on him. But it can be argued that my uncle loved life so much as long as he had breath in his body he was going to live it to the fullest no matter what. As the years progressed he did find himself making more and more visits to the hospital as the toll on his body became greater and it took more attention to stabilize his condition. The visits, at first, were usually just a couple of days but became more severe and longer as each one passed. While he fought to keep the cancer at bay the chemo began very much to be a double edged sword in its own right. The periodic chemical assault that prolonged his life ultimately damaged his liver to the point that just a few months ago while his health was stable he was under going tests in Charleston for a possible liver transplant at some point. The week before the Martin Luther King holiday I learned from my brother Joe Cool that Uncle Paul was once again in the hospital "probably just for a few days" and would be out before we all arrived down on the coast for the early start of the weekend on Friday. I had looked forward to joking with him on the Bush zombie clones roaming the state with the Republican primary coming that Saturday. My uncle was a independant minded Democrat and thought the Republicans a pack of fools. Even though the kids and I made a side trip in Charleston we arrived first in Georgetown to find Lady Einstein and him still at the hospital. His condition was far worse this time but I hoped that a little prayer and his seemly boundless energy might once again bring him back. I kept that hope as long as possible even though it became futile not long later.

One of my other cousins reached me first last Saturday morning with the news I didn't want to hear. I was devastated and I broke down and cried laying on my kitchen floor. The rest of that day was a blur as Dragonwife and the kids packed the needed items for the trip to the coast. I collected myself enough to drive down but I honestly don't remember the trip although Spoilboy did later make a point of asking me if I was okay several times. Needless to say I don't recall him asking me anything due to the shock I was in. The funeral was last Monday and since then I have found myself still unable at times to believe he is really gone. Uncle Paul almost worshiped Lady Einstein and was the type of father I try to be to my kids so I can't imagine what she and my cousin Neo have been through and will continue to have to endure. My other, and last uncle, whom I have given the name Uncle George finds himself the last sibling of the four that included my mother. The depth of his sorrow was such that the entire family was worried about his possible health. He has his wife and two sons but never expected to find himself the last one standing out of my mom, Uncle Bear who passed away in the late 1970's, and now Uncle Paul.

I am uncertain when I will return to blogging on a regular basis. I will be back at some point and I must admit that just getting this off my chest has made me feel better. Until then I will be lurking in the mist somewhere and wish everyone the best. And dear sweet Jesus in heaven I never want to write a post like this again for a really long long time.

24 comments:

lime said...

that is one awful series of losses culminating one one that is particularly devastating. my sincerest sympathies to your and your family at this tremendously difficult time. i pray time with the rest of your family and good memories of a man who had a profound impact on you will bring comfort and healing.

Anonymous said...

The wound never heals, but time eases some of the pain. The laughter will come back....

Pammy said...

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Connecticut Man1 said...

I kind of know how you feel. My family has had a lot of losses and serious health issues to deal with over the last year and most days I have not really felt like writing anything. Take whatever time you need since family should always come first.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry. I went through a terrible string like that a few years ago, and it is a hard thing to bounce back from. It is natural of course, your body, soul and heart will take time to recover. My grandma is in now, and that hurts too. Your uncle sounds like an amazing man, and he'll live on in your memory and the way you raise your boys in his honor. Take care of your other uncle, after that string of terrible loss a few years ago him and I were the last ones left. He's been survived by all siblings and parents. Although of the generation that doesn't like to admit it he did get some counseling and meds and credits it with saving him. It is a lonely and sorrowful place to be.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but my thoughts are with ya'll, and let us know if you need anything, k?

Japee said...

What a difficult stretch and sad time for you and your family. I am so sorry. Take good care.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

oh no! i'm so sorry for your losses.

*hugs*

Keshi said...

aww Im so sorry to hear abt ur uncle BB...HUGGGGGGGGGZ! I'll pray for ya...


I hope u come bak all refreshed...take a break if u must..TC of ur sweet self and ALL THE BEST MATE! Im gonna miss ya tho...

Keshi.

Beach Bum said...

Thanks everyone, I'm trying to put things back together and reengage my brain. Uncle Paul was to a great extent far more of a father to me than it can be explained in nothing less than a book length format. While my grandparents took over the day to day raising of me after I left my mother during her adventurous period Uncle Paul did many of the things that fathers do for their kids. A huge regret I find myself dealing with is that right after I married Dragonwife Uncle Paul and I had a falling out that lasted about three years. Even after we started talking again our relationship was strained for a couple of more. If I had one wish it would be to do my best to patch things up with him much sooner.

Keshi said...

ty fo rthe update BB.

**Uncle Paul and I had a falling out that lasted about three years

it happens BB in every family...it happens more often than u think. And it happens to ppl who r very close to each other. Im sure ur uncle Paul knows ur heart more than anyone else...and he's aware of ur wish too.

HUGS!

Keshi.

Vigilante said...

Strong feelings sent your way, Beach.

Simply Curious said...

My goodness...Honey, I feel your pain. I know that that's usually the LAST thing that people want to hear after a year like this, but seriously...I feel it to an extent that you can't imagine. Over the past 12 months, I've lost my father, my grandmother and my aunt. It's taken a toll on me that left me blank for a couple of months and I just wasn't able to mourn properly for at least a month after the last death.

I know we don't know each other, or even communicate very often through our blogs, but my heart and thoughts are with you.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

When at a loss for words post nude pictures of yourself!

So sorry about your losses buddy.Big hugs to you!

Beach Bum said...

Keshi: I hope so. This might make me sound a little off in the head, scratch that since I know I'm off in the head, but I actually have plans to go down to the coast in a few months and set up a beach chairs at Uncle Paul's grave and along with my brothers we will drink beers and tell stories at him. In a very weird way Uncle Paul would think that would be a blast.

Vigil: Greatly appreciated,this one was tough.

Simply Curious: I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling blank. Especially after my mom's passing when almost the entire family was joking that we had ALL gotten to know the local Georgetown funeral home much too well. One of the guys I work with at the hospital has told me that after such tragic events that an equal amount of happiness will come your way. He's an African-American steeped in old country lore and wisdom and I hope he is right.
Another thing, I've been meaning to hit your site more and lists it on my blog. My son's school work, and of course family events, along with other work related issues have kill much of my blogging time. I intend to correct that issue.

Prepost Pon: Nude pictures of me? Maybe when I was twenty but hell I'll do everyone a favor and skip it right now. I really need to to get back to a gym.

Simply Curious said...

No worries, at all about visiting my page. I'll still come here if you don't.

As for the happiness part...I'm still waiting. I imagine I have a shit load of happiness coming my way one day soon. I feel like karma owes me one, big time.

Vigilante said...

Gym? Yeah, Beach, you can say that again, whichever one of those dudes you are in the death pool!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Wow, BB....my first visit and it's bad nwes. I'm sorry to hear about that.

My mom sounds like where your mom was....she has heart problems, a pace-maker, emphysema and is 73 and STILL smokes like a chimney. Once or twice a year, she gets such a bad case of pnumonia, she ends up in ICU and each time I think, "This is it." It terrifies me but she's a grown woman though...no one can make her stop but herself.

Didn't mean to ramble there...just letting you know that at one time or another, we all have to go thru what you're going thru, no matter how much we hate it. I think blogging is the best form of therapy...at least for me.

Hang in there....

The Zombieslayer said...

While I miss her greatly even now please don't miss understand me when I write that she mostly talked about looking forward to seeing my grandfather again during those times she knew where she was at. I feel she is now in a better place free of the problems and concerns that plagued her in the last few years and along side my grandfather, probably sitting side-by-side next some river fishing.

She is.

Take your time. No pressure at all to drop by. There are more important things in the world than blogging.

I've always said there are only 2 things in life that really suck - death of a loved one, and bad health.

Beach Bum said...

Thinking of u mate - hang in there!

Mike said...

Sorry to hear of another loss for you Beach. Hang in there and I hope things get better.

Beach Bum said...

Simply Curious: There is an old army saying that "the worm will turn" meaning something to the effect things will get better its just a question of time. As far as were that saying came from I have no idea. But I'm waiting for the worm to turn never the less.

Vigil: Dear Lord in heaven that is one of the things I'm upset with Dragonwife with, she has gotten the kids into so many after school activities that we had to drop the local gym we were members of. My entire time in the service I HATED to run, but in one of my very weird ways I feel in love with the treadmills they had there and was running three miles four times a week.

Stacy: Welcome and excuse the mess, so to speak. Please feel free to ramble all you want because everyone else here will tell you I do it at there sites. Making me peace with my mother's lifestyle sort of removed me from some of the worse mourning when she passed. But like you said I came to the same conclusion that do one but them can change their habits.

Slayer: Yeah there are far more important things than blogging but I consider all of you all friends and like to be in the loop. My grandfather and grandmother loved to fish after they retired and before their health got bad. Its just a question of them not fussing with each other like old married couples do somethings about how to fish the right way.

Beach Bum: Catch some waves for me dude. My daughter, who is five, is already talking about me teaching her to surf. Looking to use that to make my wife let me get down to the coast.

Mike: Seriously man, this year has sucked. I really need a vacation.

Keshi said...

wow that sounds NEAT!

**set up a beach chairs at Uncle Paul's grave and along with my brothers we will drink beers and tell stories at him

he'd love it :)


Keshi.

Colonel Colonel said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle Paul.

Melvin said...

Great story...


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Melvin
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