Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Operation Lawn Freedom

A very loose, beer inspired lawn care parable.

Last Saturday I marched outside to do my usual weekend battle with the forces of crabgrass, dandelions , and this late in the active lawn care season fascist juniper looking for lebensraum outside its traditional homeland inside the decorative landscaping island on the far side of the front yard. Persistent issues with the juniper over the last few years forced me to adopt the policy of unconditional surrender for the glorified weed and with limb shears in hand I took on the attitude of Patton cutting into the heart of Deutschland during the Second World War. I cleaned out the landscape island during the early hours of Saturday morning with the company of Daniel Shorr and Scott Simon discussing the events of the past week. After listening to those two guys talk about Bush and his “leadership style” for the last few years I’ve come to the conclusion that they must laugh their asses off as soon as they go off the air right after they discuss some new Bush inspired policy or the latest Bush speech. Well, to be honest they probably don’t laugh, they may cry, suffer fits of anxiety, drink heavily, or pray to God for deliverance for them and the country but I doubt they laugh about anything Bush says or does. But anyway, whatever they do off the air their consistent journalistic professionalism was valuable company as I joyfully ripped through the juniper taking out my frustrations thinking about Rush, Sean, Bill, and the blond haired, short skirt wearing Gila monster that somehow finds a way to crawl from a rock from time to time.

I finished ripping out the juniper in record time, and for some reason felt really good afterward, go figure. But my mission of defeating the forces of juniper fascism and their weed insurgent allies was far from over. Dragonwife returned from a Home Depot trip bringing fresh supplies of weed block cloth, pins to secure the cloth to the newly conquered territory, and fourteen bales of occupying pine straw forces. Before her departure she tried to rumsfeld me by saying she would buy the cheap tissue paper-like brand of weed block cloth at Lowes and questioning my need for more than ten bales of pine straw. And to think she said earlier that week she would go with whatever my recommendations were on how to accomplish the mission Saturday morning. Must be something in the water or air since others, admittedly on higher levels, do their best to ignore the more knowledgeable advice from those in the field or front yard. But I did not bow to Dragonwife’s pressure to underestimate what it would take defeat the forces of flora fascism. Hell no, I would not betray-us the mission by allowing insurgent weeds to hide out underneath the cheap weed block only to poke through and endanger the new regime I established in the landscaping island.

After taking command of the new supplies I surged forward and laid down the thick quality weed block cloth over the occupied landscaping territory promoting a clean, stable environment for the allied shrubs and decorative plants. Dragonwife did want be to enlist the aid of something called Blackwater weed spray to put down the hidden insurgent weeds in the ground. But I had better sense than using an extremely expensive product that no matter what poisoned the surrounding areas causing more problems than it was worth by harming the good shrubs and plants. With the weed block cloth laid out, firmly pined down into the ground, and every bale of pine straw deployed to blanket and secure the landscaping territory- always better to do this early in a mission- it was time to withdraw the remaining supplies and recover to the house to enjoy an afternoon lunch and more than a few beers. I’ve seen some neighbors embark on similar landscaping missions which were totally unneeded since whatever troublesome weed they had were completely contained in a small place and with minor operations were kept in check. But some people just can’t control their stupid urges and want to show off to prove how big a man they are by embarking on poorly planed and cheaply executed operations. Its easy to figure such people out, they come up to neighbors looking for help to pull their ignorant asses out of the fire. Some even mark time throwing more resources and money into an operation until they can turn it over to someone else and then slink off and criticize the person trying to solve the issues they created. It’s a damn good thing no such person could ever achieve a high level office or job, man they could really screw a lot of people and waste a lot of money.

Later after I cleaned up, had my lunch, and was enjoying the latest in a series of very cold Coronas with my feet propped up on the couch wanting to enjoy the quiet afternoon. Dragonwife stormed into the living room sometime later and started carrying on about how the larger decorative landscaping island in the backyard was a breeding ground of weeds which would soon be finding their way to the newly established landscaping regime I had created in the front yard. She said that the time was now to do something about the threat to all the stable attractive work we had done today. I ran outside to recon and access the threat to all the work and money put into today’s operation and decided that to tackle a new area much larger than what I worked on that day with the strained and stretched resources available right then would have been a very bad idea. As much as Dragonwife carried on saying that many of the lawn care experts reported that the time was right to defeat the evil axis of weeds I simply smiled at her as I sipped my beer and told her to get all the armchair lawn care experts crying about the evil weeds into the field to do their share of work. Dragonwife said I then walked off muttering something about drafting all the damn Chickenhawks to fight the dreaded weeds but figured after all the beers I had drank was confusing the situation and let it go.

17 comments:

Phoebe Fay said...

Wonderful!

lime said...

so this is what is produced by a combination of weedicide, beer, and sun....not bad. not bad at all....

Mike said...

There used to be a bunch of juniper bushes around my house when I first bought it. I spent a couple of years trying to clean them up and maintain them. It just wasn't working out.

One day I hooked a large chain up to my truck and then placed the other end of the chain around the juniper and ripped the juniper out of the ground. It was satisfying and took care of the juniper problems once and for all.

Vigilante said...

Let me set your mind at peace, Beach. If you really had spent the day rumsfelding, bushwhacking and cheney-izing, you would have been pulverizing someone else's turf (and not necessarily a neighbor's), while neglecting both your own back & front yards.

Me? I prefer to hire mercenaries.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

it sounds like your war against weeds might need an exit strategy as well... seems like it might be an unwinnable war. at least you have won this battle.

Beach Bum said...

Phoebe and Lime: Beer has a marvelous ability to connect different ideas in my small mind.

Mike: one of my neighbors stopped by earlier with the same idea. Neither Dragonwofe's car or mine has anything to attach a chain too. But it was best I worked out my frustrations and I enjoyed thinking of the wingnuts as I did it.

Vigil: Hadn't thought of it that way but you are right.

T Mockingbird: My exit strategy is the first frost that will kill'em all. Until then I'm just trying to make out the term.....I mean season.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You just reminded me of how I have to make my old man do weed duty this weekend.

He is going to have a blast I am sure. :OD

a rose is a rose said...

i got tired just READING about your bushwhacking

Colonel Colonel said...

I was just listening to Bush Limestone on the radio, and he says that the only way to deal with weeds like that is to incinerate the lot of 'em with flamethrowers and then pave the area with asphalt.

He also said that Democrats are soft on weeds.

donviti said...

haven't done any yardwork recently.

saw a commercial about fertilizing in the fall and told my wife I really should do that.

she told me to go do it then.

I about fell out of my chair, usually she goes ballistic when I need lawn car products.

Beach Bum said...

Preposterous Ponderings: Tell I'm sorry, didn't mean to get anyone else enslaved to the yard. But do tell to take no weed or juniper prisoners.

Rose: I was bushed, no pun intended.

Colonel: A recent new neighbor cemented his entire back yard. I bet the bastard is a neocon.

Donviti: I can't tell you how many times Dragonwife has wanted to start a lawn project and gotten half way through only to get cold feet due to the money. She really did give me a hassle over the pine straw and weed block cloth.

Keshi said...

wanna crack a tinnie with me sometime BB? ;-)


btw drop my current topic when u hv time, n let me know ur thoughts...:)

Keshi.

Sara Sue said...

Bet I know what you'll be doing this coming weekend.

P.S. word verification = *inbum*

Palm Springs Savant said...

I find that a few beers helps with the weeding too. Amazing how they seem to vanish much more quickly...

The Zombieslayer said...

I hate Juniper. They do grow like weeds. What makes it worse is I'm allergic to them, so after trimming, I'd have them on my arms.

We used to play football in the backyard and there was nothing like catching a pass and ending up in the juniper bushes. I'd itch for days.

As for Bush's leadership, I think that in itself is an oxymoron.

Beach Bum said...

Kesh: I'm so sorry I didn't get to your question post. Saw it at work and every time I tried to make a comment too many people came around. Will have to slack off hitting the internet at work for a while.
And be careful, I could end up making a trip to your neck of the woods sometime and I would definitely want to crack a tinnie with you.

Sara Sue: Actually we all loaded in the family starship Saturday morning and went to the Carolina Renaissance Festival. Spoilboy's birthday party was Sunday and I didn't do much beyond helping with the laundry.

Palm Spring Savant: Beer or the reward of beer makes all thing bearable.

Zombieslayer: I hated the juniper before it got out of hand. At least its done now.

Melvin said...

It sounds good...
thanks for sharing....

___________________
Melvin
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