Real Dangers to Democracy

Okay, I'll make this brief because I've got people coming to remove some storm damaged trees. What does a dangerously authoritarian-leaning political party do when they can't win elections? You got it, they change election laws in the state legislatures they control. 

What does the other political party do to TRY and avoid having elections stolen? You write a bill that prevents the other party from destroying democracy. What's seriously tragic though is to have the Democratic senators from West Virginia and Arizona sabotage the process.  

On another front for those who don't realize this, we're at war with Russia. We have been at least since the November 2016 election, although it has probably been going on for years before that. While the recent pipeline cyber-attack was supposedly done by non-government hackers they have been traced to Russia. It would take strong evidence to convince me something like this happened in Putin's personal kingdom with him not knowing about it.

Putin is engaging in a curious form of asymmetric warfare with the United States. Numerous news reports over the years all suggest Putin blames the United States for the breakup of the Soviet Union. Putin's inference in American elections is certainly an attempt to spread dissension and chaos in this country. It wouldn't be hard to convince me now given his success that he and his cronies may believe they can actually breakup the United States as a form of revenge for his beloved Soviet Union.   

Understand something, for the most part I trust science and scientists. Of course where science gets sticky is when you have paid lackeys like the "scientists", who while employed by cigarette companies, claimed smoking didn't cause health issues. 

The same can be said for current day "scientists" who work for oil companies and claim Climate change is overblown or not caused by humans. But for the most part if an unbiased scientist with strong evidence says something I'm usually going to side with that person.   

No science is not a religion but it's a process that has been extremely useful in discovering how the world and universe works. Over the centuries since applying this process we have made the lives of billions of people far better. No science isn't perfect and the pursuit of knowledge can be a double-edged sword causing untold death and destruction.

In some ways we've been lucky with the Covid virus. It could have been far deadlier and with the idiots running around denying basic science and politicizing something trivial like wearing face masks the damage would have been far worse. I write this realizing well over half a million people died from Covid here in the United States.

The insanity of our times is exemplified when you have racists morons, like the ones on Fox News, spreading outright lies about the vaccines that could end this pandemic.  

  

More Cardiac Adventures- An Unexpected Hospital Stay

Just a quick update. Had a cardiac ablation on October 11th to solve issues with things like heart flutter and ventricular tachycardia. Cardiac ablation is a relatively simple outpatient procedure but I took a four day weekend to recover because my groin area was quite sore. You really don't want me to explain that detail, just take my word that it's unpleasant.

After a relaxing weekend, on the afternoon of October 15th had a setback. I was suddenly hit with another bout of ventricular tachycardia which sent me to the emergency room and a hospital stay that lasted until this passed Thursday.

Didn't post anything about this hospital stay because I was both depressed and more than slightly pissed. Depressed because the assurances I was given about the problem being "solved" weren't worth the toilet paper stuck to Trump's shoes as he boarded Air Force One the other day. And pissed because I didn't do my own research into VT and the cardiac ablation procedure. Found out people can have up to four procedures and still end up taking the medicine that controls crazy heart rhythms.

Feeling "better" as compared to the events on October 11th. But I'm still getting use to the new blood pressure meds and the fact I don't really have much of an appetite lately. The appetite thing could be a blessing since I need to lose weight anyway.

Once again, huge shout out to my wife, son and daughter who did their best to take care of me. And a massive thank you to my coworkers who visits made me feel much better. 

In The Land Of The Gun

You don’t live around, and in all honesty once belong to the extreme end of the gun culture without having some basic understanding about how things have gotten this bad. There was time when the general public had enough commonsense to understand pulling any sort of weapon out as a threat was a declaration that society had essentially broken down at that moment. 

Without delving into all the facets of Southern society and their various strengths and faults the overall view was that civility was preferable to some sort of recreation of the Old West. Now there were individuals who were exceptions to this viewpoint, but a seemingly casual visit by a reputable law enforcement figure was usually enough to quash any nasty proto-anarchical tendencies forming. However, decent and mostly sane behavior could usually be traced back to how a person was brought up.  

For various reasons my grandparents raised me from the age of eleven until I reached that nebulous stage called young adulthood. During that time I was exposed to, but did not have any access to weapons greater than a BB gun without my grandfather right beside me. One of the few times my grandfather actually felt the need to ever spank me was the day I showed off his antique double barreled shotgun to a few curious buddies. Concerning the BB gun, I once made the mistake of bragging to him about a bird I shot for a thrill, the calm and cool reasoning my grandfather shared with me about how that was monstrous behavior was in its way far worse than the spanking. Needless to say, I never killed another bird again. Squirrels were a different matter; they could be cleaned and cooked and my grandfather’s neighbor loved to serve them up with rice and butter beans.    

Somewhere in the midst of the Ronny Reagan-inspired rebirth of American patriotism the usual reserved approach to even the appearance of weapons in public went the way of the dodo bird. It is hard to stay reasonable in the face of a massive theatrical onslaught where semi-coherent, quasi-actors battle the latest surge in atheistic communism with humorous one-liners and the most advanced and massive assault weapons their steroid soaked arms can hold.

While there is a question which actually came first, shrill politicians panicking over the Soviets conquering the Western world or the Hollywood action hero going out to battle this political Sauron and his legions of AK-47 carrying orcs. Our elected leaders, always willing to sink to the lowest common denominator of base behavior far faster than any daytime talk show host, continued to stoke the communist fears and promote the idea that the way to defeat the red menace was through armed conflict.

You simple cannot carry on like this without the basic underpinnings of society starting to come apart. Never mind that the Soviet Union collapsed under its own ponderous weight, once fear has been instituted as a national characteristic and the belief that all problems can be solved with the use of a weapon with sufficient caliber all bets are off. People start believing that weapons specifically designed not to outright kill, but shred the bodies of soldiers should be owned by all. That there is a right to the unrestricted purchase of all kinds of ammunition even though you cannot buy one package of extra-strength sinus medicine in a drug store without a record being kept. Or that a person should be immune from prosecution if he kills an innocent bystander because he was “standing his ground.”

From "The State" newspaper:

Is shooting a bystander in South Carolina someone else's fault?

COLUMBIA, SC — Shannon Scott argues he should not be prosecuted for shooting and killing an unarmed Keenan High School basketball player.

In his Stand Your Ground argument in a Richland County courtroom this week, Scott and his attorney, Todd Rutherford, said Scott fired his weapon from his front yard to protect his daughter, who was being chased by people trying to hurt her.

It’s terrible, but Darrell Niles, a 17-year-old innocent bystander, just got in the way, they said.

“He simply ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Rutherford said.

Scott, 36, says he should be granted immunity from going to trial on murder charges. But others told the judge that if Scott isn’t prosecuted, South Carolina will move one step closer to becoming a free-fire zone where people shoot and kill innocent bystanders with impunity.

Read more here: http://www.thestate.com/2013/08/16/2924473/is-shooting-a-bystander-in-south.html#storylink=cpy

Still Here...Sort Of

Try as I might to get back to a more regular schedule of writing my usual crappy short stories and semi-psychotic rants the same problems just keep getting in the way. First and foremost is the fact that I have lost control of my laptop. Now that in itself should not be any type of problem since my family owns more than one computer, but like everything else in life the devil is in the details.

Right after we bought the current family computer in 2010, we noticed a curious little glitch that up until this last February was no big issue. It is a very fast Hewlett Packard desktop with an awesome high-definition screen that at first exceeded everyone’s expectation, except for the fact that it would sometimes automatically shut itself off resulting in the total loss of all unsaved data. At first, it would only do this about once or twice a month, but around February, it began doing it between forty-five minutes to an hour after being turned on. This has essentially made it a glorified boat anchor.

I took the sorry piece of overpriced shi… I mean computer to a local repair shop and was told the motherboard needs replacing to the tune of over five-hundred dollars. The two stereotypical nerdy-looking technicians actually seemed surprised when I started laughing at them for suggesting I would even think about spending half a grand when the same amount could buy a completely new computer. Of course, my wife laughed at me even harder when I got home for daring to suggest we go out and buy a new computer when the septic tank was again bubbling up all sorts of smelly detritus into our backyard.

That unfortunately ongoing situation should finally be fixed this Friday. There is some good news on that problem at least. We are only going to have to pay fifteen-hundred dollars to have the luxury of taking a poop without creating a further HAZMAT issue in our backyard. On a side note you should see the weeds around the septic tank, we have some serious evolution going on and I would not be surprised if they start talking. So, with all that going on you can easily imagine why my wife threatened me with bodily harm if I gave any hint of trying to sneak out the house with the Best Buy credit card.

Since my wife has always thought my blogging was a rather bohemian hobby whose only good attribute was that it kept me out of trouble with the family computer crapped out she taken over my laptop to run her eBay business selling equally crappy hobby and craft merchandise. We’re talking about cross stitch and scrapbook stuff among other things that knocks me out like a fifth of tequila whenever she tries to tell me about it. To be fair the same thing happens to her whenever I start blabbing about one of my stories or science stuff.

Top it all off my daughter’s teachers are very computer literate and have created scores of webpage’s to support the curriculum they are teaching this year. This also results in my daughter spending lots of time on my laptop as well, especially on the weekends when my muse usually hits me the hardest.

Long story short for the foreseeable future my posts will be few and far between. In fact the thought has crossed my mind to just throw in the towel and give up blogging since I cannot describe the number of times I have started a story or political rant only to have one of both of the usual suspects declaring there is some life or death issue they must address right freaking now.

Yeah, this is all truly First World problems with several of you out there warming up the violins to play “My Heart Bleeds for You.” Now my wife assures me control of my laptop will be returned, sometime around Black Friday this coming November.

Eleven Questions

 Lately my mind has been a gooey glob of unorganized sludge. Attempting anything creative has resulting in such a god-awful mess I have instead just vegetated on the couch watching Big Bang Theory whenever I can find it on television. 

When I have the desire and the creative energy to write something my daughter, wife, or the universe in general throws up some roadblock ending my pitiful efforts. 

Lime over at House of Lime responded to a meme and then created eleven questions for someone else to answer. Hoping this might jump start some sustainable mental activity I decided to give it a go. If any of my answers make any sense I would advise you to seek immediate mental health help.    


1.)I'm inventing a new yoga position inspired by you.  What does it look like and what shall I call it?

What does it look like? Two words say it all: couch potato. The ideal yoga position for the middle aged American male dead tired from both his night-shift job and trying to manage his ten-year old daughter so she keeps her mind on her homework. The couch potato is not for the yoga novice, for not only does it necessitate the practitioner to fall totally limp on said piece of furniture, it requires a total clearing of the mind reducing it to the level of your average jellyfish.

I liken it to resetting a tripped circuit breaker. The only trouble is that the length of time between exhausted and frustrated dad to functioning person seems to be increasing.     

2.)What is your quest?

My quest is a simple one. It is to escape the overly pleasant but spiritually dead suburban prison I find myself living. My destination once I break out is as equally uncomplicated; it is to find some refuge close to the ocean where I can live out my days free from yard work and obnoxious neighbors suffering from delusions of grandeur. My ideal location would be the southern island of New Zealand or the Tierra del Fuego archipelago off the southern tip of South America. Or in other words about as far away from the United States as possible to avoid the increasingly unavoidable psychotic breakdown most of the country seems Hell bent on having and still have a chance at home pizza delivery. Yes, they do have Dominos there, I have checked!

Possible alternatives include the southern coast of Australia, British Columbia, or Key West. On the last one I figure we could blow the Seven Mile Bridge and if needed ask Cuba for a few used gunboats and attack helicopters.     

3.)Ghengis Khan or Snooki?  Why?

Ghengis hands down, because I while do not blame Snooki I see her and nearly all other reality show celebrities not as people but as hideous and bizarre television viruses and how the decay of American culture mighty have reached the point where it is beyond saving. This country on a widespread level once believed in a higher form of cultural and intellectual life appreciating things like literature, art, music, and science. Hell, over the course of the last few years I have all the cable channels that once prided themselves on broadcasting thought provoking television have devolve into a gooey mass of mindless reality shows filled with strange creatures like Honey Boo Boo and her kin.

Yeah Ghengis was a bloodthirsty conquer who ravaged countless lands and people on his path to empire but I would still prefer to hang out with him than Snooki.   

 4.)What does the color turquoise smell like?

The first thing that comes to mind is a desert morning I guess, I’m not into those smelly, feel good scents. In fact, I once totaled up all the money my wife spent in a month on the semi-clever air-freshener devices corporate America has invented and then convinced the public they needed and came out with a sum that over the course of a year could have paid for a much-needed Disney cruise.

5.)I'm giving you butterscotch candies, cabbage, yak milk, and escargot.  What sort of tasty dish will you prepare for me?

That is easy, a large meat lovers pizza because I am tossing all that stuff in the trash and calling Dominos.

6.)If you wear garlic around your neck to keep vampires away, what should you wear to keep zombies away?

If anything gives me the willies it is not only the concept of undead zombies roaming the land searching to make the living a form of mammalian sushi but the amount of serious thought that seems to abound these days on how to deal with such an apocalypse. Being a fan of such discussions, not only at observing those who take it far too seriously like it might happen but as an cerebral exercise in survival. Yes, the distinction I have made between the two is very thin, almost microscopic in fact, but comes down to those who know a little on biological functions and those whose main source of science is Fox News, Glenn Beck, and their likes.  

First of all. I do not know of any substance that will ward off zombies like vampires. Almost by definition alone, zombies have no higher brain functions; see my thoughts on both Snooki. Fox News, and Honey Boo Boo above, but are unfortunate souls suffering from some sort of disease that has ended nearly all functions and processes we call carbon based life. This infection leaves them nothing but instinctive husks seeking to spread the contagion they contain in their decaying bodies.

Instead of pursuing some futile search for a substance that wards off zombies like PBS and NPR chases away my evangelical and conservative relatives the best course of action is instead to avoid the sad creatures but that requires an examination of the two main types of zombies.      

Slow zombies, those that in the movies and television shows amble about and whose chief threat to the living is their sheer numbers, seem to be drawn by sound. While survivors might want to gather together with their trusty Bushmaster and AK-47 assault weapons and carve out little fiefdoms free from the evils of a tyrannical federal government (long story but I am making fun of someone here) the noise generated by firing off numerous rifles will only draw more of the undead.

Unless some form of civilization is still functioning allowing for the creation and logistical maintenance of a real army the best way to clear the land of zombies will be simple and dangerous hand-to-hand combat with spears and swords. Never forget the basic rule of any zombie apocalypse, they only go down permanently when you destroy the brain.  

Recent movies have introduced the concept of a fast moving zombie who retains all its basis senses in some fashion. If you find yourself in that situation unless you and your fellow survivors have some secure fortress or easy access to a boat that will carry you far enough off shore to escape the deadish horde you are screwed, blued, and tattooed. One zombie website suggests that given the wear and tear on an undead body's tendons, muscles, and other parts of the fast moving zombie will wear out in about a month at most. It is a small comfort but then again this is all idle and fun speculation, right?

 7.)What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

What species? And on which world are you talking about because planetary gravity is an important factor. Said creature would almost certainly be faster on Mars but the lack of terrestrial atmosphere would require the creature to be wearing a pressure suit that would not interfere with the function of its wings. Then again a swallow wearing a pressure suit on Mars would probably use a jet pack requiring years of expensive development by the military industrial complex before the project ever blasted off for the Red Planet.

This bullshit is why we can’t have a decent space program.

  8.)Tell me a story involving a bathtub of macaroni, a red wagon, and a head of state.

This is a piece of American history few know about but George W. Bush had a strange fetish about taking baths in a tub filled with macaroni. In fact since George had always lived in the shadow of his father and suffered the indignities of being the dumber brother when compared to Jeb his one real enjoyment in life was soaking in a tub of warm pasta.

This obsession so consumed the forty-third president that when Dick Cheney withheld the delivery of ziti pasta to the White House he was able to force Bush into the invasion of Iraq. Because Bush feared that the news of his bathing habits might become known to the American public by classified executive order he had an elaborate red wagon built containing a huge bath tub and placed it on his Texas ranch.

With his presidency is long over George Bush can finally enjoy his bathroom time without fear. In fact, he has now developed an artistic side to this obsession and now paints himself semi-naked enjoying his alone time.

***Strangely, this last part is true.***

 9.) Invent a family game using a pile of lentils and a thimble.

I’ll just go with old fashioned hide and seek.

 10.)You may not use paint or wallpaper.  With what will you cover your walls?

Simple, I will neatly cut out the pictures of twenty years worth of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and paste them to my walls.

11.)When?

My schedule sucks the big one on a pretty regular basis now. We’ll just go with whenever.

Feeling like the bug that impacted the windshield

  With all due respect, to the former First Lady Nancy Reagan after this past week I wish the reason my brains felt like eggs frying on a hot skillet were because of drugs. Even now, there is serious debate going on in what few active brain cells I have left about the possibility of sending both my precious children to military boarding school.

  When you last heard from me, I was playing, largely unsuccessful, mediator in a titanic battle of wills between my lovely bride, Dragonwife, and my son, Darth Spoilboy. Since last Friday several deals, for both a new Kia and several used cars fell through for any number of reason you might be able to guess. As time went on though, the main issue became how Dragonwife and I wanted to go slow and look around for the “right” car figuring we could juggle the duties of driving him to and from work with the vehicles, we already own. However, the hormone-crazed teenage Spoilboy wanted something bought immediately and became increasingly aggravated with what he saw was our glacial pace.

  Both Dragonwife and Spoilboy heavily searched the internet all week looking for a car or truck that was dependable and at the right price but when the former would find something the latter would more than likely shoot it down. All I can say when that happened was thank God for the Carfax internet service. Because without a doubt everyone involved in this car buying quest had an extensive re-education in the fact that private citizens selling some sort of car or truck on their own could lie with professional grade level making the ubiquitous used car salesman green with envy.

  For example, last Thursday an individual listed a nice looking Ford F-150 truck on Craig’s List that upon discovery by both Spoilboy and Dragonwife curled their toes with glee. For Spoilboy it was the appearance of the truck and the reasonable price. Dragonwife on the other hand liked the low mileage and the fact that its purchase would turn both Spoilboy and me into suburban yard working serfs for all eternity.

  Yes, I had more than a small interest in shooting this deal down but by this time I was near mental collapse and just wanted this torture over and done. Luckily, for me the Carfax report showed over twice the listed mileage the owner stated and a couple of accidents he completely forgot to tell us about, which shot down the deal. Spoilboy had jumped the gun a little and had already arranged a meeting with this person at a halfway point between our respective locations. Upon reading the Carfax report for some reason neither Dragonwife, Spoilboy nor myself remember to call this guy back and cancel the meeting. Ooops, I hope the shit did not wait very long at the Applebees we were supposed to meet.

  Now you may be wondering that if this is the worst things got why I am whining more than usual? Thank you good sir or madam, I will gladly tell you what sent this week into an abyss of despair.

  Sometime Wednesday evening I heard a loud and very shrill scream from the upstairs family room. Dragonwife is currently involved in an extensive E-bay selling frenzy and while reviewing her Pay-Pal account discovered over two-hundred and fifty dollars in charges from a weird social networking website catering to little girls. In short, Darth Wiggles completely without our permission reactivated her membership in this site and accidentally or on purpose ran up those charges. Dragonwife and I went through this once before with her and after getting the charges withdrawn by the company setup several internet blocks to prevent her from even mistakenly navigating back to that website.

  I am no expert but I am still trying to figure out how she did it. The blocks I setup were extensions offered by internet browsers we use on the family computers. One of my buddies, far more knowledgeable in this stuff than me, has suggested some internet companies willfully attempt to undermine the type of website blocks I used and that I should go out and purchase software dedicated to the job.

  The second issue unrelated to the purchase of a car for Spoilboy involves his girlfriend. If you look up the definition of “clingy” in the dictionary, you will see a picture of this young woman beside the word. Frankly, she has bothered me for a long time with her incessant talking and ability to bend Spoilboy to her whims. Several times, I have had to remind my son that before he makes any plans with his girlfriend he is to confer with his mother or me first. However, over the last few months Spoilboy’s girlfriend has felt the need to show up at our house very early in the morning on the weekends and hang out with him all day. This has gone way beyond the normal range of visits in both number and durations forcing my wife and I to put a limit on the time they spend together.

  Everything finally came to a head Friday when I learned Girlfriend had an issue with Darth Wiggles hanging out with them in the family room upstairs. Somehow, she felt that a public area in our house could be reserved for the sole use of the two lovebirds while Dragonwife, Wiggles, of me were restricted downstairs. My son Darth Spoilboy was not ready for my volcanic eruption and the news that if I got any hint she was mistreating Wiggles in even the smallest way they would never see each other again. I also gave the Spoilboy today to break the news to her they were only going to see each other two days a week outside of high school. It is my hope that once Spoilboy is fully engaged in his part-time job and working to keep his grades up that the two will drift apart.

  Now as Saturday closes hopefully the worst is over. While it may seem we went around our elbows to get to our thumbs, early this afternoon we bought a 2012 Kia Rio. Much to my surprise it looks like I will be driving the Rio since it is far better on gas mileage that either the Toyota Corolla or the Honda CRV. As much as Spoilboy hates it, he is now the “owner” of the Honda CRV, the breaking point came after we looked at one of his beloved Jeep Cherokees. Once again, the Carfax report showed huge issues with the car that the used car dealer did not want to discuss.

  Dragonwife showing her ability to scare the living Hell out of any salesman and wheeled and dealed a Rio with several exceptional nice bells and whistles at a damn good price, one of them being an extended subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio. Yes, I have already preset Radio Margaritaville on the radio along with my usual NPR stations.

  In closing, I am now sitting at the patio table on my backyard deck nursing my fifth Landshark Lager. The four empties are standing guard along the rail as I look out at my fine collection of weeds sprouting from my much-abused lawn. It is my sincere hope that things begin to unwind around here and become less complicated. If not, at some point I can feel a road trip down to Cocoa Beach, Florida coming on and once I get down there I am sure the siren of call of Key West might become overwhelming.

Not that anyone wants to know but yes, that is what I looked like this morning, and secondly, screw Newty.

Doing the Sunday night hokey pokey

Strangeness and overwhelming confusion seem to permeate my life and honestly at times I just find its just best for me to sit back and go with the flow. Adding to the confusion is how some around me, while driving themselves crazy trying to keep up, seem to get upset with me for not doing the same myself. Now I bounce from one bizarre and confusing situation to another concerning my wife and kids hoping someone will fill me in with the details at some point.

My son finally got a cell phone this weekend but much to my surprise after months of whining he gazed upon the thing he most wanted in the world and said he couldn't show his face while using it because it was a pre-paid cell phone. None the less when asked if it would be best for us just to return it he quickly grabbed it and ran upstairs. A few hours later he was begging for more time since he had already used what time we bought texting.

After being told by Dragonwife that it was going to be a low budget weekend with no eating out or mad rushes to the grocery store for chips, beer, ice cream, and a can of whip cream (wait that was just me fantasizing) after Miss Wiggles throw a fit saying she has no clothes that look nice she and Dragonwife ran off to the nearest upper end department store and come back with multiple bags fill with bright fancy new clothes.

I in turn now sit upstairs drinking some fine ice tea wondering when I can just get out of this town just for a weekend. Luckily one is coming real soon. I still can't get over the nagging feeling with a world going crazy on almost every level maybe the hokey pokey is really what its all about.

Cosmic ponderings on intelligent life, or lack there of.

Oh, yeah Homo Sapiens the most advanced life form on the planet. Somewhere the dinosaurs are laughing their asses off.




There is been much in the way of discussion among the various science types about whether we are alone in the universe or that out there among the stars is an untold amount of other intelligent species pursuing their hopes and dreams. Those science types here on earth with absolutely no life at all have at times run the numbers on several factors that make up Fermi’s Paradox and figured out that some little green man, women, or whatever should have at some point dropped by Earth for a visit. Their absence has lead many of the egghead boys and girls to ponder the option that we are indeed alone in the cosmos. Now I’m fine to a certain extent with no Klingons, Romulans, or heaven forbid the freaking Borg showing up in orbit and blasting us with their ray guns and then sucking our brains out. But upon watching my fellow humans for years and just about coming to the conclusion that given how I must be crazy since most everyone else I’m around to me acts insane and I can’t be the only sane person around I have come to a different answer.

I have been bouncing the idea around in my head for awhile that contrary to the usual presumption the human race is not an intelligent species. Yes, human beings have and still do write great works of literature, paint glorious works of art, write majestic works of music, build cities, and explore both the deep seas and outer space, none of this is under debate. But given how we are causing global warming due to uncontrolled burning of oil so one person can ride in comfort in their SUV’s, driving a huge number of plants and animals extinct for stupid reasons like using powdered rhino horn to get your woody going, killing fellow humans over religious and political reasons, and electing strange unintelligent mutant throwbacks to national office quite frankly I think the question needs to be debated. On a recent Discovery channel show one of my favorite authors, David Brin, pondered what might take our place on the planet if we, humans, should disappear. Not quoting him here but he said something to the effect that yes, another intelligent species (at least how we see intelligence) might evolve but another possibility is that a species that he described as “clever” might arise with the ability to use simple tools, organize group efforts, and learn basic principles of the world around them but not be sentient, or at least that is the basic jest of what he was trying to say. Many times since that show as the daily boneheaded antics of humanity played out on the nightly news I have wondered if humans are just “clever” animals with our civilization relatively speaking to some advanced alien zipping around the galaxy no more advance than how we look upon the chimpanzees as the go about their daily lives.

In my weird way I can see some intrepid alien Captain Kirk, cruising the galaxy looking for new life forms, civilizations, and smoking hot alien babes to bag and then have them stumbling upon or little blue marble. The most likely response they would have, apart from blasting us into oblivion, would be how some city people act when they have strayed too far off the interstate and into the more rural area of the south where family trees are rather straight up and down affairs with few branches. They might slow down for a minute as they pass through seeing all the bizarre creatures. Then they would turn around and rush back the way they came to tell others that no, there is no intelligent life in this part of the interstellar boonies.

The Joys of Plumbing and Marriage.

After several days suffering from one of the worst stomach bugs ever to hit the family the worst is finally over. Tried writing something current but nothing is really working and my son Darth Spoilboy is absolutely dying to get to his MySpace account. So here is a recently discovered artifact from my last blog which was one of my first posts.

It started last night, "Honey", my wife called. Well, she didn't say honey but I prefer not to write the word she actually said. "You need to check the kid’s toilet, it’s stopped up again." What she really meant was for me to grab the plumber’s helper and go unblock the toilet that either my son or more than likely, in her eyes, I had messed up. She had been in a bad mood the last couple of days and I had got to the point where I felt it was best just to stay quiet and ride this hurricane out. So I grabbed the plumber’s friend and marched off to do my husbandly duty.

Details at this point are better left out but there was nothing I could do. The clog was not going anywhere and so I told my female Hitler, I mean my lovely bride, that this was not the usual situation and that I would have to go to the local Mega-Hardware store and buy a plumbing snake. My hunch was that our little girl had flushed one of her small toys down the toilet but it was Wednesday night and Lost was about to start and I did not want to talk about it anymore. Someone was supposed to get killed that night and I did not want to miss finding out who it was.
The next morning I was off to the local Mega-Hardware store to purchase a drain snake and a new wax ring for the toilet if it turned out that I would need a Plan B. The great thing about the mega stores is the choices you have. The bad thing is that no matter how much the commercials say that they have a knowledgeable staff I usually only meet those who were rejected for employment by fast food places. I walked to the row that held the plumbing supplies and found the section that held devices that I hoped would free up the blockage that I was fighting without me taking the entire throne apart. My issue was that several of the drain snakes were different sizes and appeared to be designed for different applications. Now according to my wife, during better days, and several girlfriends I had in the past I never ever had a size issue and I always have been good at different applications but that is a whole other subject. But since I did not want to cause a bigger problem I needed to know which one was right for home use. But the sales associate who worked in the plumbing section looked at me with the deer-in-headlights look when I asked which one of the drain snakes were right for a simple residential toilet. Well, when in doubt always punt, so she pulled out the fancy cell phone and called someone. After several minutes of saying a lot single word responses to apparent questions on the other end of the conversation she grabbed what looked to be a dildo off the shelf and handed it to me. She explained that one end of this device would be attached to a common water hose and then the device should be pushed down the toilet until it meets the blockage. Then, she continues to explain, you turn the water on and the device would expand and a high pressure water spray would come out from the opposite end of where you screwed on the water hose. Supposedly, this would be the most effective way of removing the blockage. I told her once again that the blockage was more than likely a child's toy but she assured me that the "plumbing expert" she talked with said this item was right for the job. I almost bought her advice and the item. But as she was walking away I happen to look on the back of the package and clearly saw the instructions that read that this item was not to be used on toilets. Visions of exploding toilets and the aftermath of such played out in my mind very clearly. I tossed the dildo looking item back on the shelf, grabbed my drain snake, and a new wax ring so I could move straight to Plan B if needed and paid for my stuff and left for home.

The drain snake is a fairly simple device, on one end is what looks to be a corkscrew for a wine bottle and on the other end is a piece that you turn to get the snake to expand down the hole basically, with it fully retracted you push it into the hole and start to turn. In theory at least at some point the corkscrew end should encounter the blockage and then, I guess, it either breaks up or as you turn it to retract again you will pull it out. My first attempt netted some...no let’s not go there. Let’s just say that after two attempts I pull out next to nothing and on the third I got the damn thing caught and for thirty minutes I could not pull it out. At that time I gave up and began working just to remove it from the toilet. About the time I started thinking of just buying and whole new toilet the snake broke free and I began preparing myself for Plan B.
Jumping ahead after removing the "water" from the toilet I removed the tank and carefully placed it inside the bathtub the base was removed and I moved it outside to begin the really disgusting part.

By this time of day the morning walkers were out. An older couple walked past my house as I was bringing the base out and could not help but to make a couple comments. Their comments were meant to be funny but I was not in the mood. The only reason it bothered me was by this time I was tired and slightly smelly. Knowing this prevented me from tossing water from the toilet on their cute, matching jogging suits. But getting back to business I figured whatever was jammed in the toilet was wedged very tightly so I took the water hose and pushed it up from the bottom with the water turned on. Right from the start I was able to push the water hose up to where I could feel the obstruction. The water hose was stiff enough that I could push it up but unlike the dildo that the Mega-Hardware store associate tried to sale me I did not have to worry about the damn toilet cracking. I finally felt that I was going to make some progress. So I started gently thrusting more and more with the water hose hoping that it would fall out. Ignoring the world around me I started saying things like "yeah baby" and "I know you’re ready". It was at this time that I looked up and saw the neighborhood divorcee walking past looking straight at me and laughing. This is a woman who any man would more than likely sell his soul to be with, she is that drop dead glorious. She has always been very friendly towards me but has never given me any hint that she might be interested in me but having her see me like that was very embarrassing. Maybe, you could say that I saw all my secret fantasies being flushed down the toilet.

Looking back on this whole event I realize that compared to other more serious problems this was very minor. But given that my wife had been on the warpath lately and she had been leaving very long "honey do" lists that had damn well better be finished when she returns home taking all day to fish out a child toy in a toilet that had just been installed three months ago was a major pain in the ass. But right after the divorcee walked by I looked down to find that my daughter's small Spongebob Squarepants toy had fallen out of the toilet. I cleaned up and reinstalled the toilet without any further adventures. I then called my bride at work to tell her about all this. My lovely wife's opinion of my handling of the situation was, as expected, full of criticisms of how I could have done everything quicker. But of course when she returned home and was talking on the phone, deep in conversation to one of her knitting class girlfriends, I laid the newly freed Spongebob close by and she quickly picked it up absent-mindedly playing with it. It actually took twenty seconds before she realized I hadn't cleaned it off. The reaction on her face when she realized why Spongebob was so sticky made up for the rest of the day. Now, a couple of weeks later and after we have made up I can laugh about the whole thing.